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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My achievements are ignored.

97 replies

CrackedHeggs · 29/05/2022 13:21

Group of 5 friends. WhatsApp group, 4 of us were significantly overweight and one slim friend.

Over the last year I have lost a significant amount of weight taking my BMI from 40 plus to healthy.

I don't talk about this on the WhatsApp group in daily conversation it's really not relevant and it's not something that I tend to chat about.

However I am being a bridesmaid for my sister this summer and I ordered a dress in a size 12 which recently arrived. Having formerly been a size 24 I was very excited to try the dress on and see that it fit.

I posted a picture in the group chat and only my slim friend commented said how lovely I looked in it and what an achievement it was for it to fit.
None of my other friends mentioned address at all and just skimmed over into a new conversation topic.

AIBU to feel extremely hurt that they just completely ignored my achievement when I regularly praise them for things they are proud of?

My slim friend DM to me to say that she was sad that nobody else had said anything about the photograph and she felt that it was because it was hard for them to see me losing weight when they want to do so as well, which I do understand. There have been many times over the last 5-years that friends have lost weight or achieved something that I would hope to achieve myself but I never completely ignored their accomplishments because of that.

AIBU to be hurt or do I just need to get over it?

All I wanted was my friends to say well done, just the once.

OP posts:

MarvellousMay · 29/05/2022 17:19

They were always very complimentary previously which confuses me
Because you being fat made them feel better about the fact they were/are too.
We tend to surround ourselves with people who make similar life choice or hold similar values. It’s validating.
I absolutely agree with those saying jealousy is at play. It’s very mean not to leave a positive message.

justfiveminutes · 29/05/2022 17:21

You're right. 7 stone is a huge achievement. If you've got two Instagram accounts then they don't even need to see your diet and fitness stuff. Your latest update just confirms that they are really intentionally unkind. It will be jealousy but that's no excuse if they're friends. Ask them when you see them in person.

ittakes2 · 29/05/2022 17:24

I think horses for horses - I personally would be upset if someone congratulated me on losing weight. People making judgements on my body would not go down well with me. But if you are ok about it - well done that’s an amazing amount of weight to shift and very inspirational.

LifeInsideMyhead · 29/05/2022 17:30

Not at all the main thibg bht how did you do it op? How long have you been workingnon it for? Did you have help? Did you change methods as you went?

Im struggling binge eating and would love to lose 7 stone... (pr more 🙄)

SaggyBlinders · 29/05/2022 17:44

I'd try not to take it personally.

You don't know what's going through their head, you sending that photo saying "look it fits!" might have made them feel shitty about themselves. If you're happy with how you look then it doesn't matter what other people say or think.

SchoolThing · 29/05/2022 18:08

ittakes2 · 29/05/2022 17:24

i do agree in that I think comments on weight are inappropriate but in this instance OP posted a photograph of herself which she was proud of. The only correct response is praise. Just a “you look lovely” would suffice.

Onwards22 · 29/05/2022 18:35

Did you lose the weight through diet and exercise?

I remember a thread about a women loosing lots of weight after having weight loss surgery and many MNers were quite rude about the fact it wasn’t exactly an achievement as she’d done it through a gastric band.

Original poster

CrackedHeggs · 29/05/2022 18:44

I find it bizarre people are saying they would be offended if someone congratulated them on weightloss, I can only assume that's because you've only ever needed to lose a stone or two and weren't that overweight to begin with. In that case I can see it would be inappropriate.

But surely if someone lost 100lbs it's going to be obvious to anyone.

And anyone who's known me pre and post weightloss can see I've gone from hating myself and hiding to taking pride in myself. Any time someone has congratulated me on losing weight it's made me feel wonderful. Maybe I am just shallow?!

OP posts:

bloodyunicorns · 29/05/2022 19:40

Wow! What a fabulous achievement. You should be so proud of yourself!

Yes, your friends should have said something. Maybe they're jealous/stunned?

Enjoy feeling healthy and fabulous!

bloodyunicorns · 29/05/2022 19:44

SundayTeatime · 29/05/2022 14:57

I don’t see how losing weight is an achievement and I think it’s odd to look at it like that. Would you think it an achievement to have your hair cut and styled? If you’d run a park run or something, that is an achievement, but not the weight loss itself - that would be incidental to the achievement. So it looks to me that you are focusing on the wrong thing.

Really? Really?? You don't see how changing unhealthy eating patterns and starting a new exercise regime that results in a huge weight loss is not an achievement??? That's either sour grapes or you totally lack empathy.

bloodyunicorns · 29/05/2022 19:47

I think a lot of the posts on here are really weird. Op has said several times that she didn't discuss her weight loss with these friends.

She has done incredibly, she posts a photo of herself in a BM dress and her mates can't even be bothered to say she looks lovely?? They are shit friends, and probably jealous as hell.

CityCommuter · 29/05/2022 20:05

@CrackedHeggs well done on achieving your goal and that's because you have will power and stuck at it and you're now in a healthy BMI range... I'm sure you look lovely in your BM dress... your friends are simply jealous and nothing else which I think is a pathetic carry on from adult women... they sound bitter to have moved the conversation on to a different topic so quickly... they need to grow up and start acting their age and lose weight if they're not happy about the way they look... meanwhile, you just concentrate on you and keep moving forward and have a great time at the wedding!

whiteroseredrose · 29/05/2022 20:08

Definitely well done. I've been trying to lose about 3 stone for years and I yo-yo.

They will be jealous. I would be! But I would have the grace to say how great you looked in the dress.

whatwasyournamesorry · 29/05/2022 20:14

Well the answer is simple.

You have accomplished what they haven't. Don't take it to heart.

Well done! That's a brilliant achievement:

JenniferBarkley · 29/05/2022 20:27

I think given all you've been through you'll understand that many women's relationship with their weight is very complex.

I think if you'd posted "look it's arrived! Really like the colour" rather than "look it fits!", they would've been more likely to comment.

I think it likely is jealousy, but I think there's a lot of complexity in there, and in their own thoughts on their own weight.

I think the advice above saying you wouldn't post lots of baby pics in a group with friends struggling with infertility is good. When you were overweight and hiding away, how would you honestly, honestly, deep down have felt if one of them lost so much weight? I'm sure you would've been happy for them, but I imagine there would've been some fairly mixed feelings in there too.

Hankunamatata · 29/05/2022 20:32

As someone who has been very overweight and yo yo up and down. I wouldn't have shared that type of photo with friends who were overweight. As I feel it would be almost being smug saying look how amazing I am.

HikingforScenery · 29/05/2022 20:35

OP you’ve not answered whether your friends have already congratulated you previously. I assume it’s been a while since you lost weight, so they have? If they haven’t then, they’re bring unreasonable.
if they’ve, then this is your new size so they’re used to it, just as you’re used to their bigger sizes. It might no longer be a ‘big deal’ to them.

i’m not going to jump on the jealous bandwagon because I’d like to think you’re not terrible at picking friends.

justfiveminutes · 29/05/2022 21:16

If one of my friends posted a photo of themselves in a bridesmaid dress I'd say they looked lovely, or that the dress was lovely, or something. And that's without factoring in the massive weight loss. So even if you've already been congratulated on that, they could still have responded and it's very unkind that they didn't. They must know that it will have upset you.

Oceanus · 29/05/2022 21:54

CrackedHeggs · 29/05/2022 18:44

But surely if someone lost 100lbs it's going to be obvious to anyone.

Bloody heck you are NOT shallow. Really you're not. You should be bloody Proud you changed your life. Eating better and joining a gym isn't easy, specially when one is overweight and others constantly point that out.
All the people here saying they don't like it when others comment on their weight, well, overweight people don't like it either but it happens, all the time, at home, at work, even "nice" comments are often bitchy. It's the society we live in in and changing it will take a very long time.
Op, don't be upset over your friends. Just because they won't congratulate you doesn't mean they don't like you anymore. Stop being upset over this and move on. It's not easy for you but, look at it this way, it'll be worse for them. So stop worrying, just go and live your best life.

PurpleMarie · 29/05/2022 22:03

For someone who doesn’t talk about it a lot, you sure seem to talk about it a lot

gamerchick · 29/05/2022 22:08

It's not about you and all about them OP. Nobody wants to be overweight but the graft that goes into losing it can be a bit overwhelming. Be proud of yourself.

Happyplace88 · 29/05/2022 22:29

@CrackedHeggs honestly, you won’t get kind responses on here. Clearly people with body hang ups and jealousy here too. Please ignore all the negative comments. Your “friends” are totally jealous.
you don’t come across as full of yourself, attention seeking or gloating in any way at all. What you’ve achieved is amazing, if they feel bad it’s on them.

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