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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My achievements are ignored.

97 replies

CrackedHeggs · 29/05/2022 13:21

Group of 5 friends. WhatsApp group, 4 of us were significantly overweight and one slim friend.

Over the last year I have lost a significant amount of weight taking my BMI from 40 plus to healthy.

I don't talk about this on the WhatsApp group in daily conversation it's really not relevant and it's not something that I tend to chat about.

However I am being a bridesmaid for my sister this summer and I ordered a dress in a size 12 which recently arrived. Having formerly been a size 24 I was very excited to try the dress on and see that it fit.

I posted a picture in the group chat and only my slim friend commented said how lovely I looked in it and what an achievement it was for it to fit.
None of my other friends mentioned address at all and just skimmed over into a new conversation topic.

AIBU to feel extremely hurt that they just completely ignored my achievement when I regularly praise them for things they are proud of?

My slim friend DM to me to say that she was sad that nobody else had said anything about the photograph and she felt that it was because it was hard for them to see me losing weight when they want to do so as well, which I do understand. There have been many times over the last 5-years that friends have lost weight or achieved something that I would hope to achieve myself but I never completely ignored their accomplishments because of that.

AIBU to be hurt or do I just need to get over it?

All I wanted was my friends to say well done, just the once.

OP posts:

Happyplace88 · 29/05/2022 13:59

really shitty of them not to congratulate you. I get that they’re struggling, but being jealous and bitter won’t make them thinner. Blowing out someone else’s candle doesn’t make your own shine brighter.
well done OP on your fantastic achievement. Enjoy the wedding

Floweryflora · 29/05/2022 14:00

Congrats on your achievement op. That sounds like you lost a lot of weight and through sheer hard work and determination .

im not sure it’s jealousy as such, I think that’s an easy answer. I’m sure your weight loss has been discussed if you see each other weekly.

I think an image of you in the dress saying “look it fits!!”, may have felt to them like showing off. Which to be fair, it was. You were boasting about it. And you wanted them to compliment you, that’s why you sent it. And now you’re upset they didn’t compliment you.

boasting and showing off is fine, but you’ve got to pick your audience.

FangsForTheMemory · 29/05/2022 14:03

How did you do it?

helloaibu · 29/05/2022 14:08

@CrackedHeggs did you just sent a pic or did you say look I can fit into a size 12?

Blinkingheckythump · 29/05/2022 14:11

Firstly, well done on meeting you goal and improving your health.

But as a pp has said, by posting a pic with that sort of comment you're boasting and fishing for compliments, and potentially they might just not have wanted to be drawn into that. You say you don't go on about it but that you are posting on Instagram about it, maybe they are just bored of it or maybe they are jealous or triggered or something. Personally I would have said congratulations or you look great regardless. I understand you'd feel disappointed they didn't but unless you ask them about it you'll not know what reason they had for not

roarfeckingroarr · 29/05/2022 14:13

They're jealous.

Bobbleballbags · 29/05/2022 14:14

You do you, let them do them but it's unreasonable to expect people in bigger bodies who may be struggling to want to celebrate your weight loss with you.

It's not unreasonable to expect friends to be happy for you when you've worked hard for something! It sounds like op has been tactful and graceful about her weight loss but just wanted to share something she is especially proud of, and good for her. Also "people in bigger bodies"... They're not wearing a costume!

roarfeckingroarr · 29/05/2022 14:15

They're also shit friends

Original poster

CrackedHeggs · 29/05/2022 14:18

I see your point but there's no way if I stayed a size 24 and posted a photo of myself in a bridesmaid dress I would have got radio silence.

They were always very complimentary previously which confuses me.

They didn't have to comment on my body or size, just a 'dress is lovely' would have been nice.

OP posts:

Jasmine5552 · 29/05/2022 14:23

Congratulations on your weight loss. I am sorry that some of your friends chose to ignore this.

roarfeckingroarr · 29/05/2022 14:25

They probably feel ok about being fat when they're around fat friends but now you've shown that with some hard work and perseverance it's possible to be healthy and slim you're making them feel bad, so they ignore your weight loss/you.

Irishfarmer · 29/05/2022 14:27

Well done OP. It sounds like your friends are jealous.

Floweryflora · 29/05/2022 14:29

helloaibu · 29/05/2022 14:08

@CrackedHeggs did you just sent a pic or did you say look I can fit into a size 12?

Yes she said she posted her pic and said “look my bridesmaid dress fits!!”. It was absolutely fishing for a compliment, which is fine.

I don’t believe her weight loss hasn’t been discussed plenty , she sees them weekly, so I suspect the radio silence is less about jealousy and more they perceived her to be boasting. Which she was.

if she’d said something like “god I feel so weird in this, do you think it looks ok” she would likely got responses. But she was showing off and boasting to them. Saying. “Look look im in a size 12!”

WisteriaLodge · 29/05/2022 14:45

Well done OP that's an incredible achievement to lose that amount of weight, it does sound like they're jealous of your weight loss but it also highlights their shortcomings around healthy eating and exercise which makes them feel uncomfortable, so they choose to ignore your success instead.

PrawnToast5 · 29/05/2022 14:45

CrackedHeggs · 29/05/2022 13:51

We see each other at least every week and they know from my Instagram that I'm eating well and going to the gym. They 100% know I'm not ill and this is something I've worked very hard for!

Show quote history

If youre close enough to see them weekly why don't you ask them why they didn't reply to it?

Have you lost extra weight in the last week that would make it surprising you fit it your dress? Otherwise I wouldn't necessarily expect lots of compliments during a long weight loss journey.

alphonsedupont · 29/05/2022 14:47

If I'd worked that hard to achieve that sort of weight loss I'd damn well fish for compliments too. That's seriously impressive OP, I hope you look - and feel - amazing at the wedding. I'm sorry your friends aren't able to celebrate your success. It's taken me a long time to leave friends like that behind - people who can't be happy for your success regardless of their situation aren't great people to have as friends.

Wouldyabeguilty · 29/05/2022 14:47

You worked hard to lose that weight. They knew you were actively taking measures to lose that weight and it was something you really wanted. You got from a size 24 into a 12 which is a huge feat. For them not to congratulate you on how well you look is pure and utter jealousy. Surely is is normal to FEEL jealousy and wish they has the same success had they so wished to lose weight but to be as jealous as not to say well done, or you look lovely or fair play is simply resentment.
I cannot see how that is boasting....it is an achievement plain and simple. You didn't just wake up slimmer one morning by some sort of miracle, you worked bloody hard for it. Not all people who are overweight like being shown that it actually can be done but you need to put the work in.

Shakeupandwakeup · 29/05/2022 14:49

Congratulations on your weight loss. That takes an enormous amount of self discipline which I don't have and I massively admire everyone who reaches a healthy weight after being overweight.

I can imagine it might be very hard for them because your achievement is a reminder of their lack of achievement, and your slim friend's congratulation will ring in their ears as if she is also saying, 'Whereas you failures are still undesirably porky').

It is a massive shame that they can't overlook how it makes them feel about themselves to say well done to you. They will be envious. I would be too. But they should find it in themselves to say something positive.

Applegreenb · 29/05/2022 14:51

I’m not over weight by loads but recently have tried to loose a bit of weight.

i take my hat off to you! It’s super hard and requires a lot of dedication. I’m proud of you as that’s a massive accomplishment.

i am also a tiny bit jealous, can you send me some of your mental resistance?!

Oceanus · 29/05/2022 14:55

I've been both fat and slim(mer). From my experience: being fat is hard. People don't treat you the same, you think they do but they don't. To me weight was also a very touchy subject so I tended to gravitate towards people who were overweight too. I'm not surprised your friends ignore the new you. They're probably jealous and thinking why couldn't it be me?! Don't waste time dwelling on this! When you feel sad about it, put on a pretty dress and tell yourself in the mirror you look amazing.
They say misery loves company. It's never happened to me but I'd heard of people who lost friends when they lost a lot of weight. Apparently it's normal so there you go, just accept it.

worraliberty · 29/05/2022 14:56

We see each other at least every week and they know from my Instagram that I'm eating well and going to the gym. They 100% know I'm not ill and this is something I've worked very hard for!

If they see you every week, they'll be completely used to the fact you've lost some weight. So maybe they don't like the dress or doesn't think it suits you?

They could well be jealous but why would they be only showing that now, when presumably it took quite a while to lose the weight?

LisaSimpson77 · 29/05/2022 14:57

Well done on your weight loss that's amazing, how did you do it?
Groups of friends sometimes bond by the whole "being fat-wanting to lose weight-eating too much-consoling each other" cycle.
Your weight loss success has threatened the status quo and they're uncomfortable.
It's a shame they can't rise above that and be happy for you though.
Slim friend sounds lovely!

FlippityFlapperty · 29/05/2022 14:57

I think it’s really clear what’s happened. You posted a picture of yourself looking slim, with a clear invitation for compliments. None of the overweight friends gave you any because your accomplishment of losing weight and the clear inference that you now feel good / more attractive, highlights their own lack of weight loss. They don’t want to praise you for being thinner. They’d probably acknowledge any other accomplishment of yours, except this one because it makes them feel worse about themselves. Either you shrug it off or you take it personally, I guess.

SundayTeatime · 29/05/2022 14:57

I don’t see how losing weight is an achievement and I think it’s odd to look at it like that. Would you think it an achievement to have your hair cut and styled? If you’d run a park run or something, that is an achievement, but not the weight loss itself - that would be incidental to the achievement. So it looks to me that you are focusing on the wrong thing.

worraliberty · 29/05/2022 14:58

But also if you're posting photos of you at the gym and of what you're eating, maybe they're just a bit eye-rolly about it now?

Either way, it's a fantastic achievement for you, so enjoy the wedding and your newfound figure.

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