To be amazed how much women benefit financially from marriage

[Singleparent78]

I've been single most of my adult life, worked FT and built up a good career but despite this... I'm always struck how much better off women who are married are than me.

It's not just about the merging together of two salaries, but about how much easier financial life is when you have the benefit of a man's higher average income, giving many women a lifestyle they could never afford on their own salaries.

Consider:

• the many women I work with on low salaries or working part-time who are living much nicer lifestyles than I as they have a man significantly supplementing them.

• the married women I know at 45+ who have moved to part-time or stopped working as they have accrued significant savings with their dh but, critically, their dh is now a high earner who can pay for both of them.

• the girls from school who didn't go onto further education, got married soon out of school and haven't worked at all or a bit of p-time - they mostly live in nice houses and cars, have enjoyed nice holidays etc. There hasn't been much 'penalty' for not being independent or not having a career.

All in all these women, by way of marriage, seem to have an easier go than solo me slogging it out for 30 years working FT and trying my best to be independent.... like the teachers at school told us girls to be!

I understand: all the constraints on women to generate their own income esp the gender pay gap and the impact of childrearing; that the above scenarios don't apply to all couples; that I'm assuming a heterosexual set up; that women contribute within marriages in other way than bringing in income; and that assets in a marriage are shared as is any income that comes into a marriage. I know people might think I'm being anti-women for challenging women's choices or women's rights or just plain bitter...

Still, AIBU to wonder:.......Is it not depressing that the best or most common way for women to be financially comfortable or create wealth is still through marriage and the merging of assets with a man?

Full time wraparound childcare at six months is definitely not in the best interests of the six month old

It's in the interests of a baby to have a roof over its head and get fed.

Nobody makes these sorts of remarks about men/fathers.

Did you put yours in full time wraparound childcare from six months when you had another option?

I realise you might not be asking me, but yes. I chose to go back to work FT when my baby was 6/7 months old. I did have other options.

You have to be very careful look at Alice Evans she's in her 50s she was a SAHM for years signed a pre nup for some reason only entitled to 300k dollars from the house sale and 10 percent of his earnings he's gone off with a younger woman and he's not currently working.

And your baby was in full time wraparound care from that age?

Yes they do.

My DH is definitely better off for marrying me

They really don't. Nobody ever says a dad should be at home with the child and how greedy they are for wanting to work for a nice house and a nice car and nice holidays. It is only ever directed at the mother.

They really don't.
I have never, ever heard someone question why a man has chosen to work full time and use childcare.

@Pumperthepumper yes, at nursery. Although not school holidays. I was a teacher and keen at that time but to fuck up my career progression.

That was in response to pumper

*not to

In the end it was chicken pox that fucked it up.

But how many men do you know who were left alone with a six month old with no other options? Or men who had the choice to go part time and rely on their spouse’s salary and chose childcare instead?

I’d say you’re very unusual then. What were the other options you discarded?

I returned ft after my dc were about 6m old each. Why shouldn't I?

Thank you @KarmaComma . I reckon I'm a good enough mum 😌 and my dd is absolutely bloody fabulous!

I honestly don't care whether she gets married when she's older, whether she co-habits or whether she stays single. And if she chooses to have children, I don't care if she works full time, part time or chooses to be a SAHP. What I do care about is that she gets herself into a position where she will have genuine choices that won't have to involve making sacrifices that she doesn't want to make.

It’s always going to be cheaper for two adults to live together that separate. A one bed flat costs the same on rent/mortgage if there’s one or two living in it. Bills for a second adult only increase the costs slightly.

Just checked and my husband has never been asked why he went back to work after becoming a father and our children being in childcare.

I’ve literally just asked what your other options were, which includes your husband’s option of going part time.

But how many men do you know who were left alone with a six month old with no other options? Or men who had the choice to go part time and rely on their spouse’s salary and chose childcare instead?

While I don't know any men who became single parents when the children were so young I do know plenty of men who could have survived on their partners salary or who could afford to go part time. But they don't, and nobody ever questions that decision.

Women in the other hand are made to feel guilty for choosing to work full time and use childcare.

I’d say you’re very unusual then. What were the other options you discarded?

Definitely not unusual amongst any of my colleagues at that time.

The other options were for me to go PT, for me to be a SAHM, for my husband to go PT or SAHD, for me to give up my promotions and return to mainscale teaching.

My DH had the choice to be a SAHP if he wanted to. (I was very clear that it wasn't for me, and I was the higher earner in any case.) He concluded that it wasn't for him either, and neither of us felt that it would really benefit us as a family.

That didn't mean choosing full time childcare for dd at all as we were both able to work very flexibly. Hard to say what decisions that we would have made if we hadn't had that flexibility but I'm pretty certain that neither of us would have given up work entirely as it just wasn't how we wanted to share things between us.

Sorry, meant to add that nobody has ever questioned DH's decision to carry on working, but they have questioned mine.

My and DH worked together when we had DS. Every time someone commented on the fact I returned full time I asked them if they'd asked my DH the same question...... obviously they hadn't.

Shared parental leave wasn't an option for us as we missed it by 5 months.

Why didn’t your husband go part time?

I’ve literally just asked what your other options were, which includes your husband’s option of going part time.

So? It still remains no one has ever asked him why he went back to work after having kids.