To be amazed how much women benefit financially from marriage

[Singleparent78]

I've been single most of my adult life, worked FT and built up a good career but despite this... I'm always struck how much better off women who are married are than me.

It's not just about the merging together of two salaries, but about how much easier financial life is when you have the benefit of a man's higher average income, giving many women a lifestyle they could never afford on their own salaries.

Consider:

• the many women I work with on low salaries or working part-time who are living much nicer lifestyles than I as they have a man significantly supplementing them.

• the married women I know at 45+ who have moved to part-time or stopped working as they have accrued significant savings with their dh but, critically, their dh is now a high earner who can pay for both of them.

• the girls from school who didn't go onto further education, got married soon out of school and haven't worked at all or a bit of p-time - they mostly live in nice houses and cars, have enjoyed nice holidays etc. There hasn't been much 'penalty' for not being independent or not having a career.

All in all these women, by way of marriage, seem to have an easier go than solo me slogging it out for 30 years working FT and trying my best to be independent.... like the teachers at school told us girls to be!

I understand: all the constraints on women to generate their own income esp the gender pay gap and the impact of childrearing; that the above scenarios don't apply to all couples; that I'm assuming a heterosexual set up; that women contribute within marriages in other way than bringing in income; and that assets in a marriage are shared as is any income that comes into a marriage. I know people might think I'm being anti-women for challenging women's choices or women's rights or just plain bitter...

Still, AIBU to wonder:.......Is it not depressing that the best or most common way for women to be financially comfortable or create wealth is still through marriage and the merging of assets with a man?

Exactly, when it works well both benefit, especially if they have the additional responsibility of raising children. We have been able to quit jobs we don’t like, try out new paths which have led to us both to better paying and happier jobs, We’ve been able to cut down our hours, buy a nice house together, just generally support and complement each other’s strengths and weaknesses. We’re perhaps quite traditional in that dh is more career focussed than me and a couple of years ago it looked like I’d probably mainly be a SAHM. Dh was fine with that but also fine if I wanted to go back to my career. Then the a job came up that would enable me to do that. However because I didn’t have to take the job. I was able to negotiate a great package, although initially paying more in childcare than I earned. After a few months in the job I was able to negotiate more flexible working and only now spend 3rd of my salary on childcare, I’m back in career I love, working part time but also home with the children most of the week.
It works the other way too and when hubby was in a job he didn’t like then I was happy for him to try a new path and now works part time earning just as much.
If your in a bad relationship and it’s about all about the keeping scores, ensuring each other pulling weight and not jeopardising the other’s wealth and security rather than each other’s happiness then we certainly wouldn’t be where we are now. There have been times when we’ve been quite broke and of course we’ve been very lucky but we’ve always accepted the fact that if it all went belly up then we were willing to face the prospect of both taking whatever minimum wage jobs we could to keep afloat and just trying to make the best of things

The senior academic I know is on a fair bit more than £100k! But to be fair, she is very senior!

Most academics, even senior academics don't earn close to £100k so that's very impressive.

Academia is traditionally not very female friendly. All of the things you need to do to to progress as an academic can be more challenging for women. We're judged on research output and publications - so if women take maternity leave they can end up being years behind their male counterparts. Not to mention the expectation for international travel, and having to move frequently in your early career chasing contracts. There's also research which suggests female academics take on more pastoral and organisational responsibilities which don't help their academic progression.

During the pandemic publications from female academics pretty much stopped where as publications from male academics increased. I wonder why that was ??!🤔

I think I did really well financially by marrying. I wasn't happy in my job, OH encouraged me to retrain, he took on the bulk of childcare when I was building my career (he was happy with where he was work wise). Without his support and encouragement I wouldn't have had a good well paid career and happy family life.

Just depends on who you marry.

Yet lots of them cheat and the women with no security are screwed and stuck.

Also, they are more likely to cheat if they are confident in the knowledge that their partner will not have a claim on any of their assets. They can pretty much get away with anything in that situation.

It is never clear cut though.
Both hubby and I studied same path and I out-earn him mainly because I climbed the career totem pole but he decided to do a phD. He could still come back to original profession and he does still locum but he is also very interested in academia/social science so will hopefully continue that interest into one of many lucrative careers his peers are into. Who knows where he will be in 10 years.

WorriedWoking;
A few examples where childcare maybe good for children even though they don't want to go and/or their carer would rather have them at home;

The educational outcomes for children who have high quality nursery education are better than those that don't.

Families who keep 2 incomes are more likely to be able ro afford enriching activities for their children (not just in tbe here and now but also in the future) such as music lessons, sports at a high level etc.

Also more likely to be able to support young adult children at University/ first home deposit.

Ask a 27 year old if they would rather they hadn't been in childcare at 6 months or not have the lack of student debt and a hefty house deposit ?

Ask a 50 year old if they wish their parents had investments to cover their care needs or does the family home have to be sold thereby negating any inheritance or even having to put their own career on hold to fufil caring obligations ?

It's about so much more than what's best in the here and now. These decisions have far reaching consequences and as has been already said on this thread 40% of marriages end in divorce. The breakdown rate for those who don't marry is even higher....

Your post isn't talking about marriage though is it? It's talking about combining resources and you don't need to be married to do that.

I earn more than my ex DH. And I'm so glad we split up but yes I'm worse off as all outgoings are now my own responsibility.

It annoys me that independence comes at a (literal) price but would rather have it that way than be in an unhappy marriage or relationship.

In the school/dance class that my GC go to there's quite a lot of women who only have the cars/holidays/clothes that they do because of their partners. Fine in itself, but these women stick their noses in the air and have a lot to say about others, perhaps they are insecure. I've been very surprised when I first saw them in their retail/Macdonald's etc uniforms, or behind a bar, you'd think that they were surgeons by the way they carry on. I do still feel sorry for them when they are dropped on their arse when they split, the clever ones have got most stuff in their name and money squirrelled away.

@AchatAVendre - re: my social circle - as I went to a v good university in a competitive program I know a lot of women who have gone on to be CEOs and/or to very high flying careers. They are often with husbands who are at their level.

But equally I grew up in a small working class town where not going to Univ was the norm and where women knew marriage asap was the route to financial security and being a SAHM was a whole lot better than taking unskilled and low paid jobs that were available.

IME it's this latter group that are the norm and the successful CEOs the outliers. It remains a very real option for women to marry and not work and tbh this option usually provides them with a much better quality of life than trying to work/carving out a career/being independent. So are women forced to marry - no. But does it remain that their lives will be much more financially viable if they do marry and mostly live off a man - sadly, yes.

I think you're right, OP.

I know plenty of people like that. They give up education asap and would struggle to hold down any job, but seem to do very well off someone else's hard work and intelligence.

Surprising that so many people don't think it's the case, given it's right in front of their eyes.

By the way, I'd think exactly the same of a man living that life.

@Singleparent78

re: my social circle - as I went to a v good university in a competitive program I know a lot of women who have gone on to be CEOs and/or to very high flying careers. They are often with husbands who are at their level.

But equally I grew up in a small working class town where not going to Univ was the norm and where women knew marriage asap was the route to financial security and being a SAHM was a whole lot better than taking unskilled and low paid jobs that were available.

Reading this, it's unsurprising that I share your views - we have very similar backgrounds.

To be clearer then - there’s no reason why men can’t contribute at home the same as women do. You seem to think men need a sahp to “facilitate” them yet their female colleagues don’t. So it’s more likely they just don’t want to contribute equally.

This comment also came from your post that it was “unlikely” men were able to work and take responsibility for childcare. They can and some do. I do know quite a few high flying men married to equally high flying women. Whether or not they do an equal amount I don’t know but certainly they are pushing to leave on time to do pick ups etc which would have been unheard of a few years ago.

ultimately men being more involved in their childrens lives is hugely beneficial. Getting rid of traditional gender roles is also a good thing imo - if workplaces adapt to people who have children because men are insisting on it too, that will strip away one huge cause of the sex pay gap.

of course there are some women who won’t benefit from this - some women prefer not yo work and to stay at home. Some men probably do too but societal pressure means many don’t. If that pressure was on women too to contribute equally financially, some women would be unhappy. But as a whole it would benefit womens equality enormously.

But so will the other half of that marriage. Because they’ll either have a second salary in their home or they’ll have someone who can do the childcare.

@Villagewaspbyke but to get equality (ie everyone being treated exactly the same) both partners would have to work. Which then impacts the children in full time, wraparound childcare before they even see their first birthday.

@Ponoka7 I've never understood that sort of snobbery. But equally there is a lot of 'ooo hasn't she done well' amongst relatives when a woman is in a 'lucrative marriage'. It's all very weird.

Marriage is about a lot more than combining resources, it is ideally is about 2 people who both try to prioritise the other’s happiness through their love for each other and the outcome of that is what often brings the benefits. When I look at my own and other marriages, on paper the assets and potential of one partner don’t start off looking the same or differ throughout the marriage but the end result is a happy family due to the marriage. When I look at what led to the path of where we are now we wouldn’t have taken it if either had been planning it in a strategic like mentality. For example, when I left a part time job I had my husband was happy to pay for our little one to stay part time in nursery for our dc benefit and to give me a break. We’re not well off at all and of course he would like to have that extra cash but he just wanted a happy family. Then when a rare career opportunity came up a few weeks later I was able to go for it due to having kept those sessions at the nursery (dc had the last place and there is now a 2 year waiting list!) still it meant spending more on childcare than I would earn and it didn’t look like that would change for a few years. A few months later I was able to negotiate further (unheard of before in my sector) and now we’re much better off. If he had been the sort of dh to say no that’s not fair we have childcare while I’m not working if it doesn’t make sense spending more on childcare than what I earn or simply had been unwilling to make the cut backs we needed then we wouldn’t be where we are now. It takes 2 to tango and if one partner is selfish or takes the mick out of the other ones good will then it doesn’t work and all the negativity will just drag you down. When I was in a bad relationship I was desperately unhappy and as soon as I separated and became a single mother my life took off, I got fit, I was able to establish my career, had quality time with my children etc. Marriages will have their ups and downs and they are worth working through and getting through the difficult patches but in some circumstances you are better off being single until and if you meet someone you’ll be happier with

We are not from affluent families, I earn twice as much as my husband and our wealth has been earned by both of us. Among my group of friends all parties work and there are no people wealthly due to a rich husband. I expect I move in different circles to the OP.

"You are also getting your data wrong, women out-earn mean until they are in their thirties."

That's a very recent thing though. A woman in her forties now won't have outearned men when she was younger.

That just proves the OP's point really. Those women could become single but their standard of living would drop.

That’s been said on the thread already though - being financially dependent on someone requires an awful lot of trust.

"The educational outcomes for children who have high quality nursery education are better than those that don't."

I don't think this is true if the parents are well educated. if you think it is, please show me the evidence.

Yes women in their fifties earn less than neon average whether they have children or not.

My marriage is a partnership.

At the start of our relationship I out earned my husband and had savings and a mortgage. I didn’t ask him to contribute and this allowed him to take a big gamble with his career that slowly paid off.
By the time we had children he was out earning me by a lot and I stopped working during COVID. Me being at home means he can spend the hours at his job he needs. If we were to split up he’d be devastated to not have the children half the week, but I don’t even know how that would work with his working hours.. it simply wouldn’t. I don’t know what life holds for us. I may decide to work again (through want or financial necessity) - we’ll see.

Our marriage works to the benefit of both of us. At times it’s me supporting him and at times him supporting me. We consider every penny equally owned.

"Your post isn't talking about marriage though is it? It's talking about combining resources and you don't need to be married to do that."

Don't you? If people are living together, they may not get anything if they leave whereas with marriage there is a divorce settlement (and a tax allowance I think).