Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I want us to be on the same parenting level

86 replies

Imsotired10 · 28/05/2022 13:49

DH & I have 3 DC they're all very young and it can be difficult at times.

However DH and I have never been on the same level when it comes to parenting our children. He's very relaxed and I'm always too stressed. Trying to avoid accidents from happening etc.

For example today we went to the local park & there was a water feature with really cold water sprinkling around. Out of maybe 50 children only 2 were playing in it. Of course our 3yo DD wanted to go straight in. I said no as it was only 9am it was quite chilly and windy outside and the water was freezing. She started crying and as I got down to her level to explain once again that it wasn't going to happen .. DH interfered and said "oh let her be a child .. go on go have fun" we had no spare clothes with us no towels etc. She got absolutely soaked and when DH asked for spare clothes I turned around and left the park with the other 2 and left him to it.
Now he's upset that I've ruined the family morning with MY MOOD 😂

This is only 1 example of how different we are.
How can we become a team & was it me who ruined the morning?

OP posts:
Notodaynotever · 28/05/2022 13:51

He sounds irritatingly immature and you've given him an excuse to make you the bad guy!

I'd stop engaging and stop bailing him out.

WhatsInAMolatovMocktail · 28/05/2022 13:51

Of course it wasnt you who ruined the morning!

Let your DH learn from his mistakes, leave him in charge more.

Original poster
Imsotired10 · 28/05/2022 15:12

Thanks both & that's good I did think it wasn't my fault for ruining the morning 😂

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 28/05/2022 23:59

I'd have let her, kids don't feel the cold. You been to relax a bit more and he needs to think about practicalities a bit more.

ForensicFlossy · 29/05/2022 00:14

You definitely need to meet in the middle.

Mumwantingtogetitright · 29/05/2022 00:21

You sound a bit too uptight, if I'm honest. And your dh sounds a bit too lax. A happy medium would be good if you could find it!

TheTeenageYears · 29/05/2022 01:10

In that example I would have let DC go in the water but only after explaining to all that there were no spare clothes so get wet and cold at your peril. DH would not have been able to blame you afterwards when it all went wrong as you always suspected it would. DC will hopefully learn the required lesson and not to it again. I wouldn't battle with a child unwilling to put a coat on whilst in a nice warm house knowing it's freezing outside but I would take said coat with me for when it's needed rather than leaving at home. There's often some middle ground for kids to learn natural consequences and self regulation.

Topseyt123 · 29/05/2022 01:30

I don't think you were unreasonable as such, though I would have probably told him (in words of one syllable) that if she got cold and wet then HE would be the one taking her home for a change of clothes.

MolliciousIntent · 29/05/2022 01:44

First, always take spare clothes, it's rule 1 of toddlers.

Second, your DH is right, let her play in the water.

Third, if that was your reason for not letting her play, why didn't you tell him there weren't any spare clothes in the first place?

DillyDilly · 29/05/2022 04:49

Why didn’t you explain to your DD that she couldn’t go in the water because you hadn’t any spare clothes/towels. You could have asked your DH if he’d brought spare clothes/towel when he said it was ok to play there.

Thoughtless of your DH expecting you to have remembered spare clothes when he hadn’t himself. Though, you were being dramatic gathering your other two children who were obviously playing and leaving with them. Could one of you not have taken your DD home to change ? Or one of you popped home for some while your DD was playing ?

50 kids in a park at 9am - you were all up very early !

There’s a happy medium between being over cautious and having spontaneous fun. As long as you don’t expect the parenting level to be the one you insist on/your way all the time.

AndSoTonight · 29/05/2022 04:54

He sounds like an idiot. Sorry but I have no time for men like this who want to be the fun guy but then leave all the clean up and admin to the women.

Coyoacan · 29/05/2022 05:12

You've got to find a middle ground, OP. Maybe you both could go to parenting classes or something. Because if you don't you will end up with the role of disciplinarian while your DP will alwayg get to be Mr. Nice Guy and that is not a healthy dynamic and very damaging for the children.

LucieLemon · 29/05/2022 05:25

In our family I'd have been the parent who would have allowed the DC to have played in the water. That being said, it would have been under the proviso that there were no towels/dry clothes available, you get soggy and stay that was until we're back home (or to the car, depending on how we've got there). As it was me giving the go ahead I'd have been the one taking responsibility for the "clean up" afterwards.

I'd have removed any extra items of clothing we could have got away with (jacket, socks etc) so there was something dry go switch into, then let them go for it.

Wouldn't have been a particularly big deal, worst case scenario DC would have got cold and wet and may be a little more cautious on the next occasion. Nothing that would have ruined the outing or put a dampener on our morning, bit of a non event really. If my husband went in a mood with me over it, I'd be quite miffed at his reaction.

This is all working under the assumption that otherwise both parents are pulling their weight in regards to childcare and the like. My husbands is the more cautious of us both and I'm more likely to indulge in spontaneity. However, we do both trust each other to ensure the safety of our DC in any given situation, and not to put them in harms way.

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/05/2022 05:38

How far away was home/car? Did she have a hoodie she could take off, go and play, wear after?

Personally I used to let DD do this stuff. Life's too short to be sensible all the time.

Although I always packed spare clothes!

Lexi334 · 29/05/2022 05:54

It’s all about meeting in the middle I think. Personally I’d have explained that there was no clothes or towel so if he wanted toddler to play in the water then he was responsible for the aftermath. DH would have just let them in with no thought to afterwards.
I have to admit, out of me and DH I’m the far more stressed one. I meticulously plan and prep and could do with chilling out a bit. I’m constantly prepping for the “what ifs”. DH is so laid back he’s almost horizontal 🙄 doesn’t give anything a thought until it actually happens. No advanced prep at all. Useless at planning. He’s always been that way with himself but it’s taking a bit of adjusting now that we have a child!

He had a dig the other day when I was getting is organised for a family day out because I even pack the changing bag etc before I go to work if he has DS for the day so that I can relax knowing DS has what he needs 😬
So I stopped what I was doing and let him deal with the bag while I got myself ready.
I double check with him before we leave the house that he’s packed various things and I get “of course I have, I’m not an idiot!”.
Fast forward a couple of hours when we’re at a restaurant having a nice meal with family and DS needs a nappy change so I take him and his bag, get to the bathroom, unpack the bag and there’s no nappies or wipes in the nappy bag 👍🏻🙄🤣 Not a single thing to let me change our child 😅
He was mortified when I returned to the table and told him that he’d have to go to the shop and get some but he’s slowly learning that there’s a bit of prepping that comes with toddler days out

Andromachehadabadday · 29/05/2022 05:55

I think you both need to change a little.

if we had not taken spare clothes one of us would have gone back (you say they are all very little so assuming at least one is a baby that could have gone back with the parent) and got a towel and spare clothes.

I would let my child play in the water. Not sure either of you handled it in the ‘right’ way. So you need to work together to find a happy medium.

breatheintheamazing · 29/05/2022 06:33

Honestly.....you sound the issue more than your DH. Walking off is pretty childish isn't it?

coffeecupsandfairylights · 29/05/2022 06:39

I think you hugely overreacted here.

At the end of the day, does it really matter if she's a bit wet and cold for half an hour on the way home after playing? She won't explode!

Walking off was also really childish imo - what was the point of having a strip when the whole thing could have been avoided if you had both just planned ahead. As it's your local park, you presumably knew it had a water fountain thing, so why did neither of you think to bring spare clothes or a towel in case the kids wanted to play?

NumberTheory · 29/05/2022 06:43

Agree that walking off was not a great response. I understand it's frustrating if your DH plays disney dad then turns to you whenever the grown up parenting things need to happen - like anticipating needs on a trip out. But the better response would have been something along the lines of - "I didn't pack any, hence not wanting her to get wet, I assume you did?" and then just waiting for him to sort it out without getting worked up over it.

It doesn't really matter if things go wrong on a trip to the park, so getting stressed over it does seem a bit unreasonable. And if you're always the one swooping in and controlling how things are going to go smoothly, then it gives him no opportunity to learn to be better. There are advantages to being a bit more spontaneous and only dealing with the messes if they happen, so you may have a bit of learning to do too.

LoveActually89 · 29/05/2022 06:44

MolliciousIntent · 29/05/2022 01:44

First, always take spare clothes, it's rule 1 of toddlers.

Second, your DH is right, let her play in the water.

Third, if that was your reason for not letting her play, why didn't you tell him there weren't any spare clothes in the first place?

I agree with this. I still take spare clothes every where and mines are 5 & 7.

MichelleScarn · 29/05/2022 06:45

She started crying and as I got down to her level to explain once again that it wasn't going to happen

Why once again and how did you do it? Long flowery explanation or just, 'you'll get wet and cold and we don't have spare clothes'?

Holly60 · 29/05/2022 06:46

MolliciousIntent · 29/05/2022 01:44

First, always take spare clothes, it's rule 1 of toddlers.

Second, your DH is right, let her play in the water.

Third, if that was your reason for not letting her play, why didn't you tell him there weren't any spare clothes in the first place?

Yes I think this is probably spot on.

Marvellousmadness · 29/05/2022 06:49

And this is why you discuss parenting styles BEFORE you have kids....

TulipsGarden · 29/05/2022 06:52

This is basically an episode of Bluey.

PostItNoteScribbles · 29/05/2022 06:54

I would have said “idk did you pack any spare clothes? I assumed you had given you've let the toddler get soaked” lol

Swipe left for the next trending thread