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AIBU?

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Original poster

I want us to be on the same parenting level

86 replies

Imsotired10 · 28/05/2022 13:49

DH & I have 3 DC they're all very young and it can be difficult at times.

However DH and I have never been on the same level when it comes to parenting our children. He's very relaxed and I'm always too stressed. Trying to avoid accidents from happening etc.

For example today we went to the local park & there was a water feature with really cold water sprinkling around. Out of maybe 50 children only 2 were playing in it. Of course our 3yo DD wanted to go straight in. I said no as it was only 9am it was quite chilly and windy outside and the water was freezing. She started crying and as I got down to her level to explain once again that it wasn't going to happen .. DH interfered and said "oh let her be a child .. go on go have fun" we had no spare clothes with us no towels etc. She got absolutely soaked and when DH asked for spare clothes I turned around and left the park with the other 2 and left him to it.
Now he's upset that I've ruined the family morning with MY MOOD 😂

This is only 1 example of how different we are.
How can we become a team & was it me who ruined the morning?

OP posts:
Travelwiththree · 29/05/2022 06:55

I would not have let a small child get wet first thing in the morning either OP. Your DH needs to step up and not expect you to be the default parent. On the other hand, it would have been better if you had stayed and not walked away. You gave him an excuse to blame you when it was obviously his fault.

YetiTeri · 29/05/2022 06:55

The unreasonable bit is your DH asking for the spare clothes. He's a grown man, I'm sure he has to think ahead and prepare in his job. Don't let him delegate the thinking to you. This happens again turn the question back on him. He says 'go in the water' you say 'did you bring any spare clothes'? He says no let him manage the consequences.

LisaSimpson77 · 29/05/2022 06:56

To be honest, gathering the other two children up in a huff and stomping off wasn't great. I do get that him undermining you then asking for spare clothes was irritating but it could easily have become something you all laughed about and jollies her out of.
Yes you need to be on the same parenting level but that means meeting in the middle somewhere. I think perhaps you started this thread hoping that everybody would tell you what an idiot he was (which he was,a bit) but you also sound a little bit highly strung too.
You have 3 kids together, learn to compromise rather than win.

Soubriquet · 29/05/2022 06:57

Why didn’t you say to dh that you said no because you didn’t have spare clothes?

PeopleAllergy · 29/05/2022 06:59

Why didn’t he think to check with OP if there were any spare clothes first? Or, god forbid, why didn’t HE pack some spare clothes? Both parents can do that, not just one. Clearly he’s used to someone else, probably OP, doing all the responsible stuff that allows him to be ‘fun’ irresponsible parent.

He ruined the day. Parenting isn’t all about fun, it’s also about being responsible. He needs to grow up and think of the consequences....and that’s what I expect to tell children/teens, not grown men that are parents.

MichelleScarn · 29/05/2022 07:01

At 3 and still toilet training we'd always have space clothes, also for the inevitable general grubbiness dc would manage to get. Did dh know there was no clothes?

LuaDipa · 29/05/2022 07:23

MolliciousIntent · 29/05/2022 01:44

First, always take spare clothes, it's rule 1 of toddlers.

Second, your DH is right, let her play in the water.

Third, if that was your reason for not letting her play, why didn't you tell him there weren't any spare clothes in the first place?

If dh wants to let her play in the water then he should be responsible for spare clothes. And she was likely about to tell him there were no spares when he turned full on fun dad and took over. What kind of dickhead sends his kid to get soaked through without checking they have a change?

Why is parenting entirely op’s responsibility? If he wants to get involved he needs to be fully involved, not just do the fun stuff and leave op to pick up the slack.

coffeecupsandfairylights · 29/05/2022 07:26

What kind of dickhead sends his kid to get soaked through without checking they have a change?

Well, several people on here have said they'd have let their child play and get wet - so they must be dickheads too.

If the toddler got wet, she'd just be a bit cold and uncomfortable for a while - not really a reason not to let her play unless they were out for the day, but as it's a local park I assume they could just go home and change and get dry afterwards - not really a big deal if they're in damp clothes for a half hour or so.

OneCup · 29/05/2022 07:26

You need to prepare ahead of things. Next time you go to the park, take spare clothes and a towel so the kids can have some fun.
Before you have kids, discuss parenting styles.

TeenPlusCat · 29/05/2022 07:33

Surely the more sensible thing would have been to say to your DH he needed to take her home to change while you stayed with the other DC?

The other thing I'd suggest is to get your DH to have all 3 together on trips more often.

Onionpatch · 29/05/2022 07:38

Marvellousmadness · 29/05/2022 06:49

And this is why you discuss parenting styles BEFORE you have kids....

To be fair, i was going to be a perfect parent to my imaginery kids but the real ones required quite a different style of parenting and my husband had a very different capcity to adapt to that than I did.

OP, its tough when you have different styles. Can you do a parenting course together? Not that you need a course, but it might give you a chance to talk about these things in a detached way. It becomes a bit of a blame game after an incident like that.

Flopisfatteningbingforchristmas · 29/05/2022 07:40

Sounds like a communication issue.

There is an episode of Bluey about this when Dad takes the kids swimming.

alphonsedupont · 29/05/2022 07:43

Surprised by all these people who'd let their 3 year old play in cold water on a chilly morning half an hour away from home. I'm all for letting kids make informed choices, not sure a 3 yr old really gets that future thinking and weighing up option of being cold vs immediate fun.

And more surprised by people admonishing the OP for not having spare clothes - isn't this the problem, that the mum is just expected to have them and the dad can do whatever he wants by undermining her and just ask for what he expects her to have?

I think the main problem though - as whether it was right or wrong to let her play is subjective - is that he contradicted you in front of the kids and is now blaming you for a bad situation he is responsible for.

MissChanandlerBong80 · 29/05/2022 07:48

MolliciousIntent · 29/05/2022 01:44

First, always take spare clothes, it's rule 1 of toddlers.

Second, your DH is right, let her play in the water.

Third, if that was your reason for not letting her play, why didn't you tell him there weren't any spare clothes in the first place?

Or - and I must warn you, this is a groundbreaking thought - why didn’t he ask?

fireandpaint · 29/05/2022 07:49

I'm definitely more like your dh but so is my dh so we are a bit more suited! Always surprises me how differently my friends parent from each other. I would try and meet in the middle, I would struggle with someone always worrying and preventing fun and spontaneity.

00100001 · 29/05/2022 07:49

I would have agree, and suggested to DH he sent her in her underwear and gone commando for the way home. Used his t-shirt/jacket/whatever as a makeshift towel.

Or indeed just offered the suggestion of her wearing his jumper/t-shirt/jacket for the way home and left him to it tbh.

StepAwayFromGoogling · 29/05/2022 07:50

This is really an issue of lack of communication and very different parenting styles. Both of you are equally responsible for having a change of clothes with you (really weird that you don't at that age but that's another thread). But why on earth didn't you say you didn't have a change of clothes or a towel with you? And then storming off was childish.

Shoxfordian · 29/05/2022 07:50

It does sound like you overreacted but it’s not ok if you’re always the sensible one and he gets to be the fun dad not thinking of practical things

MissyB1 · 29/05/2022 07:51

Lol at all the posters on here insisting OP should have brought the spare clothes, OP should have spelt everything out to her Dh, OP should have put up with the inevitable whining when toddler was cold and wet.

God forbid the man should have to do any kind of forward planning or take any responsibility. 🙄

MintyMoocow · 29/05/2022 07:53

I’d have stripped mine down as much as possible and let them play. I always had hooded towels in the car that I could drive them home in.
I do think that bringing a set of dry clothes each everytime you leave the house is a bit excessive though.

Hugasauras · 29/05/2022 07:56

I never take spare clothes to the local park. I take ourselves and that's it 🤷‍♀️

DH is on the more laid back end of the spectrum but I've learned that nothing actually bad happens when he parents, just because it's not the way I might choose to do it. The consequences would be his problem to solve though, but he'd probably just wrap her up in his hoodie or just take her home to get changed.

beechhues · 29/05/2022 07:57

Another one who'd let them play in the water - yes, they'll be cold after but no risk of hypothermia, and even if they screamed about being cold, that's what happens after you play in the water.

Yes you can take spare clothes and/or warn about being cold, or they can learn from experience.

Calm and letting them make little mistakes or understand consequences is important.

Neither of you should be cross really sounds like you were both grumpy.

BackToTheTop · 29/05/2022 07:58

I'd have sent mine in, in their pants. I think you were being ott about it being cold, I'm sure your dc would have had a whale of a time and come out when cold. Plus I think walking off in a mood was also ott.

Why didn't you simply say to your dc and dh that there were no spare clothes? Or at least laughed and said 'I told you so'

I agree with your dh. I think you need to chill out a bit. When I read the start of your post I thought you were going to say your dc wanted to hang off a high rise building, not play in some fountains. Mine would go swimming in the sea at wales in the winter

WishILivedInThrushGreen · 29/05/2022 08:01

Stropping off was not a good move.

Always have spare clothes with you.

Namechangedforspooky · 29/05/2022 08:05

I would have let him go in tbh but if he was cold and miserable with no change of clothes afterwards DH would have taken him home assuming it wasn’t miles away
Tbh they would have all gone in the fountain at this point then home for a warm bath. Much more fun than playing in the park!
I agree you probably need to find a way of meeting in the middle a bit more. Neither view is unreasonable but the way of dealing with different views could have be better so it didn’t ruin your morning