To worry about Adult DC going NC?

[Regularmumnetter]

First off I’m aware how ridiculous this sounds. But I’ve been reading a lot of sad stories on MN of adult DC who have gone no contact for no reason (well as the poster says) or with no explanation. Every time I read one of these stories I feel like I walk on eggshells around my adult DC worrying that they’ll do this (not that they have any reason too - I don’t think??) but then I worry about if I have forgotten something that I’ve done accidentally that’s upset them years ago etc.

Is this irrational? Do other people feel like this?

No. I went NC with my siblings and v low contact with my mother after years of repeated scapegoating and bullying. I'm so happy I did and my only regret is that I did not do it a decade earlier.

Why are you walking on eggshells? I dont believe there is 'no explanation' I think theres always a reason.

It takes a lot for a DC to go no contact, there are many warning signs. Try not to worry.

I always thought this too and tell myself this. But on the threads the posters are always saying they don’t know what they’ve done wrong or that they don’t think they’ve done anything which is the worrying part to me. Obviously I know the parents must do a lot wrong for the DC to go NC it’s just the fact on the threads the parents never know what they’ve done.

I think it's usually about control, and not allowing the young adult to develop as an individual. Some parents don't seem to be able to allow their child agency.

Mine is on thin ice. She refuses to believe that I do not share her thoughts and opinions. She thinks there's something wrong because I don't want to do what she wants me to do. She likes ballet and theatre, therefore I must. She likes 'call the midwife', therefore so do I. It's so tiring being lectured on living my life incorrectly. It's so demoralising knowing that she'll never hear me, never understand me, because she's too busy telling me who I am.

I'd be surprised if a parent who encourages a two way relationship with their child gets cut off. That said, I think some boys in particular are lazy about relationships and may need a bit of explicit instruction about what's expected!

The parents who don't understand what went wrong are oblivious to their child's attempts to communicate with them.

It's really hard to accept that you have to walk away from your family. Most people actually put up with huge amount of crap and make themselves ill trying to fix things.

It's like the man who's so shocked when his wife leaves. 'I didn't know she was unhappy!'. 'Course he didn't. He never listened when she told him, or wondered or asked.

it’s just the fact on the threads the parents never know what they’ve done

They know. They just dont want to admit it. Key difference.

Exactly this.

"I don't know what we did to cause this!" usually followed by further posts in which it quickly becomes clear what they did to cause it. For example, there was one here a while ago where the OP was asking what she'd done wrong, couldn't understand it, etc and then in follow up posts mentioned things like family meals where DC's partner wasn't invited but DC was expected to be there, OP being upset/hurt that DC wasn't visiting her on their birthday (the DC's birthday) because they were spending the day doing something else, and the theme winning through it was OP basically expecting DC to forever be in a child role and DC quietly pulling away from it all.

There is very rarely no reason.

These parents always say they don't know why it has happened because that fits with their internal narrative of having done nothing wrong. Which is often why the children feel they have no other option but to go NC in the first place.

Cutting off your own parent is unbearably painful and all the people I know who have done it, it was because the parent would not listen to reason or change for a long time before it got to that point. It was an agonising last resort for th adult child.

My dad will tell you he has no idea why I've gone NC with him and will spin you a very long yarn about being a good person.

Truth is he is a pathological liar and has caused no end of hurt to me & my siblings over the last few years.

If you're open to clear and truthful lines of communication with your children, there's probably no issues

Yes I worry about this! I thought it was just me.

TBH I’m really worried about everything from the teenager stage onwards, based on MN threads 😬

Hi OP

Please try not to worry. NC seems to be a very regular thing on MN because it's a forum where (mostly) women come to discuss relationship difficulties with partners, friends and family. Therefore you only see those posts from people who have done this.
After all - there is not much point in posting ' I have a really normal healthy relationship with my parents and siblings' !!
Try and put it in perspective. In the real world- how many people do you actually know who have done this ? I am in my early sixties with 3 dc and 4 sdc. I have met a huge amount of families over the years, still work full time in a big office -and over the last 30 years can only think of one person (a man) who has no relationship with his family - and that is mostly down to his mental health issues which caused paranoia.

It really isn't a common thing.

Yes I worry about this! I thought it was just me.

TBH I’m really worried about everything from the teenager stage onwards, based on MN threads 😬

I have the loveliest elderly neighbour, has always been so kind and would have helped me at the drop of a hat. She's estranged from her 2 adult daughters, "for no reason that she knows of". She's very sad about it, for years has been trying to get in contact and talks frequently about how much she misses them. She has 3 dgc that she hasn't seen in about 15 years.
I found out recently that my neighbour was an alcoholic as her dc were growing up, and got into volatile relationships with DV and she prioritised these over her dd's. One of these husbands (there were 3) sexually abused the eldest dgc and my neighbour stood by him. No one goes NC for no reason.

My DDs are 4 and 6, and based on how often it seems to happen on MN, I worry about this!! So I get where you are coming from OP. IRL I actually don't think I know anyone well who doesn't have some sort of relationship with their parents.

Thank you, I feel less alone now! You see so many worrying posts about DC who have got a partner that tries to cut off the parents or falls into the wrong group in secondary school.

Can I just point out that it isn't always the parents at fault. My brother has been NC for years. He and my parents had a good relationship until he met his wife. She took against our family and that was the end of our relationship with him.

I'm not saying anyone here who is NC with parents is in the wrong, but please believe me, my parents did not do anything to deserve being cut off by their son. I got cut off too and I was 12, so I definitely didn't deserve it!

OP, I don't have an answer for you unfortunately. You can only be the best parent you can be and hopefully your DC will respect and appreciate your efforts.

There are a lot of shit parents out there. Don't be one and your children will not go NC.

There is a website devoted to the phenomenon of parents claimingtheir DCs have gone NC "for no reason". The author has researched the phenomenon thoroughly and explains that, in (almost) every case she has come across, the parents have been told repeatedly what they were doing wrong, but didn't respect their childrens' boundaries and forced their kids to go NC.

So, unless you are continually doing something they've asked you not to, you should be OK.

Google "the missing missing reason" and "issendei"

This is my biggest fear!

DS2 has gone NC with me. Two and a half years ago when he was 20. We had an amazing weekend together and then I never heard from him again nor would he respond to me.

In the last year he has also gone NC with his grandparents, his brother, cousins, aunt, uncle...

I worry about this sometimes because my son's dad doesn't talk to his mum, and my son doesn't talk to his dad or any of his family. He isn't really bothered about my tiny family either. He isn't very forgiving when people hurt him.

I went super low contact with my own dad as he was controlling and abusive. I didn't find it difficult to do because as a pp said, he didn't see me as a person, so didn't know me really.

I hope my DS doesn't cut me off as an adult and we get on really well (he's a teen). I just feel he has a sense of detachment, so he could. However I fully respect him as a separate person to me, and always have, so hopefully we will continue to be all good! Not worth worrying about tbh.

I'm no contact with my mother. Some of my earliest memories are of her emotional abuse and mind games, the rot had set in well before I was an adult. It just took me another two decades (and the death of my dad) to escape, at it's not that easy when there are multiple relationships at stake.

My mother will insist to anyone that will listen that she doesn't know what she can possibly have done wrong, and that it came as a surprise when i finally went NC, despite begging me (only me, not my sibling), in the moments after my dad died not to leave her too, this put an emotional shackle around my neck for another 2 years, even though her bullying and twisted behaviour continued.

OP if your adult DC are going to go NC it is due to damage already done, and if this is the case and you can't see what it is you may have done and continue to do then this lack of insight will be big part of the problem.

@MardyOldGoth agree. My DS2 had a GF who hated all of us and we tried our best to welcome her but she just didn't like us. So I think that's why DS has dropped us all. I don't even know where he lives now.

I can almost certainly say there will have been something and that, if asked, he would be able to give those reasons. His wife "taking against" your family is very often code for the wife nit being accepted by the family.

DH family believe his wife (me) "took against" the family and stole him away, there are details in your post that an eerie match to our situation including your age at the time which is funny, I guess its more common than I thought. I didn't take against anyone, instead I was on the receiving end of many "jokes" about his ex (who they loved), "jokes" (snide comments) about my family who they thought were too posh, "jokes" about infertility, "jokes" about my career, and so on. It was DH who made the decision to go NC, I asked him not to because I knew they'd blame me.

Did your other family ever find out why he went NC with you before he cut them off as well.