To worry about Adult DC going NC?

[Regularmumnetter]

First off I’m aware how ridiculous this sounds. But I’ve been reading a lot of sad stories on MN of adult DC who have gone no contact for no reason (well as the poster says) or with no explanation. Every time I read one of these stories I feel like I walk on eggshells around my adult DC worrying that they’ll do this (not that they have any reason too - I don’t think??) but then I worry about if I have forgotten something that I’ve done accidentally that’s upset them years ago etc.

Is this irrational? Do other people feel like this?

Most people don't go NC just because they feel like it one day without anything leading to that decision. I was NC with my dad before he died and I don't regret that choice at all. Tbf to him it was both ways his was just laziness rather than an conscious choice. There were good reasons including his addictions, the way he treated my mum and general disinterest in having a relationship with his children.

I am also LC/NC with other members of my family (rarely affects by life anyway) due to unreasonable behaviour towards me when I was under 18 (but over 13) which continued into adulthood. Nothing abusive here but they're also people I wouldn't choose to be friends with and I don't believe that a blood relationship means I should be blind to your behaviour. I do have a great relationship with my immediate family and a few cousins who are genuinely lovely and kind people.

Those who don't know why relatives have gone LC/NC are often just blind to their own behaviours over a number of years. Most people don't have anything to worry about and I don't know anyone who's done this who doesn't have some kind of often lengthy backstory.

There was a thread a couple of weeks ago asking posters to share their experience of going NC with family members. One poster explained how she had gone NC with her adult daughter. There was a lot of outrage that it was a parent deciding to break contact with her difficult daughter. One poster accused her of being gleeful and many felt that parents should stick by their children come what may.
In real life I think NC is rare. Most people put up with ageing parents and the views of an older generation, particularly if the parents happen to have money and a big house. Some posters understandably feel they have no choice because of childhood abuse but those who just find their parents very, very irritating tend to become more tolerant as they themselves age. I know people who have complained bitterly about elderly relatives but then find themselves distraught when a parent dies.

There’s always a reason and the DC have generally communicated it. Have a read of this, as it might be of interest: www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html

The whole website might be of interest, actually.

DM didn't know what she had done wrong so I wrote a long email to detail (most of) it. She completely ignored all the content and wrote back saying she was sad that she'd not got a conciliatory response!! They do not want accept it, they definitely know why.

Sorry OP, I wish I could reassure you but having witnessed it for over 30 years I have no idea what my parents could have done to stop it. I believe that my SIL is a narcissist. She twisted everything they did or said. She's emotionally abusive and she's isolated him from everyone he had in his life. It's been awful for my parents, especially as they've got older. Dad has now died. Mum doesn't expect to ever hear from him again.

That is ridiculous. I myself know of a number of families where an adult child has gone NC or as good as for reasons which have little or nothing to do with the parents attitudes or behaviours. In a number of cases it's because they are in a relationship with someone controlling who has driven a wedge between them and pretty much everyone they know, not just parents. In another case, the child has grown up to be a dick or inveterate fault finder or someone who simply can't be arsed to make an effort. In another number of cases of marital seperation, children are NC with one parent who has been portrayed as the villain. Equally there are many shit parents with wonderful children who don't go NC (and who would benefit from doing so).

I can understand where you're coming from but you can't spend the rest of your life scared of upsetting your dcs because you're scared they'll go nc. Keep conversation open and if you fall out at times then just find a way through it. I have worried if saying the wrong thing to my dcs at different times but then realised it didn't actually help and possibly made things worse. Its like not giving them boundaries when small and wondering why they're acting like spoilt brats. But that's just my opinion.

With the greatest respect, I disagree. I'm sorry for your situation, it sounds like it was awful for you, but I don't think mine is the same. (You're not my SIL btw, some of the details you've put don't match.) I don't see why everyone always assumes the parents must be the bad guys. We don't always assume when a marriage ends that it must be the man at fault but in these cases it's always blamed on the parents.

I'm not going to comment further because it's not good for me emotionally.

Look, if you're worried about it you actually care and therefore far less likely to have it happen.

We've gone NC with my M for a hell of a lot of reasons. Problem is she's a narcissistic sociapath who can't accept anything approaching responsibility for it so is playing the victim game to anyone who doesn't see through her like the pane of glass she is.

Oh bless you. Your father sounds very like my ExH. Both my adult DC have now, painfully, cut him out of their lives as they considered that the lesser of two evils; the other being to see him exploit yet another 'new partner' and her young child. They refuse to be complicit in his dishonest crap any more.

He would spin the same yarn about being a good person (a great person, no less). He isn't. He's destructive, arrogant, financially avaricious, and very good at masking it for the first few years.

I wish you well and lots of good luck

Just to clarify I do not live my life scared it’s just after reading the threads I am slightly more anxious about it for a few days. Obviously the thought of never speaking to DC you have raised for 18 years again is scary!

I don’t worry about this. I’m a good enough mother. I’m not perfect but I’ve tried my best.

I love them and I want the best for them whilst also respecting their emerging autonomy.

If they decide that’s not good enough then quite frankly that’s their problem. I am secure in my parenting to not be manipulated by grown up children and i absolutely will not be walking on eggshells.

@Sunquench I'm not sure if you're suggesting it for all NC situations but for most people it's a last resort. It's not intended to be manipulative, it's because you have no alternative to changing/ending a bad unhealthy relationship. They will also likely have told the person that X and Y upsets them or is inappropriate a number of times and tried many other ways to maintain a happy relationship. I was not being manipulative to cut contact with my alcoholic father who cared way less about me than alcohol.

Those who don't know why relatives have gone LC/NC are often just blind to their own behaviours over a number of years. Most people don't have anything to worry about and I don't know anyone who's done this who doesn't have some kind of often lengthy backstory.

This.

I know (a couple well) and have met both parents and adult children who have gone NC.

The parents tend to go NC over drug addiction, while children tend to go NC over abuse.

The party who chooses to go NC doesn't choose to do it lightly.

I'm actually LC with one of my siblings. I'm not the only sibling who is. It just means there is less drama as they can't attempt to disrupt the our relationships.

It's not always the parents' fault. There are many abusive people, male and female, who isolate their partners from their family. It is possible to have done a perfectly good job as a parent and be cut off nevertheless, because your child has fallen in love with someone who is abusive and makes sure they are isolated from friends and family.
There's not much point worrying about that though because it's not very likely.

Sometimes, as individuals, we just don't like our parents - hardly surprising, given that we didn't choose them! I'm not sure why we should be obligated to stay in touch with people simply because there is a biological connection, so it's not necessarily a matter of anybody having done anything "wrong". (And, of course, this could apply to siblings, cousins etc who just aren't that fussed about each other).

My DH is very low contact with his mum. She texts him all the time, usually in the evenings when she has had a drink, saying she doesn’t know what she has done wrong. I’m sure she will tell other people she has done nothing. In truth she abused him physically and emotionally until he moved out at 17. There is usually a reason for people going NC whether they want to admit it or not.

I know of instances where a child has gone NC due to the child's mental health- just can't bring themselves to contact people. But it isnt a conscious decision to go NC in the sense of not wanting a relationship because of the parent having done anything wrong. And of course the parent can keep trying. Also where a child has gone down the path of drugs or something like that. Otherwise all other instances I know of the parent has actually done stuff wrong and is in denial

@YarnHoarder

I was referring to my own kids. I’m not expecting them to go NC with me because like I said I’m a good enough mother. Not perfect but good enough.

It is incredibly rare to go NC anyway and usually involves ongoing abuse of some sort so I don’t know why anyone would worry about this or tiptoe around their own kids unless they have a guilty conscience of some sort!

I am NC with my sister and very LC with my parents who think the sun shines out of her arse. They constant bring up how marvellous she is, and compare her to me. I rarely go see them as they make me feel shit every single time I do.

My DM is extremely critical about (most) things I do/the way I look. The last time I went she said We don't see much of you! and then went on to tell me I was far too fat. When I said I know. You tell me every single time I come. It's why I don't come very often - because every time I come and see you I go away feeling shit about myself, which is presumably your intention. Is there a reason you do this? Do you understand that it's hurtful and why I rarely come round?

She was very taken aback and muttered some feeble excuse. But I know the time is coming when I just think, Fuck it! for the final time and just don't bother any more with them.

And both my parents will tell people that they have absolutely no idea why I've cut them out my life. I am nearly 60 and beginning to think that I'd rather not see people who make me feel like shit.

MN is not always reflective of RL. I only know one person who is 'NC' (and who announces it with that ridiculous phrase, rather than just getting on with it) with her parents and they are all as bad as each other. Constant drama not speaking to one family member or another then starting up again. Unless there is genuine good cause, like some if the abusive situations described, people don't typically do that outside of these threads.
I know what you mean though. I often have the same fear reading some of the MIL threads where the DIL is urged to prevent access to the children over very minor things.

My 'father's tells people we abandoned him once we 'shipped' our mother into a care home.

My father abused and belittled our whole family, including my mother. He had affairs, he abused 3 out of 4 of his daughters and physically assaulted all of his sons over the years. Mother wasn't in a position to stop it.

Once she had dementia we had to spend more time there and none of us females felt safe to be in the same house as him over night.

He'd leave the house with doors locked and my mother inside alobe.
We couldn't care for our mother in the right way so the social worker suggested a care home.

And that's when we were free. No need to ever see him again.

My brothers confronted him, told him why all of us were breaking contact, he said he'd kill himself.

Nine years have passed and the bastard is still alive.

There's always a reason for NC.

Well it's the same as the parents who say ss took their children for no reason. They just don't want to admit what they've done

That or the adult child could be in a controlling relationship, I've seen that happen and they got back in touch once the relationship ended

@ScrubUpWellInMySundayBest

Yep and people don’t go NC just because they “don’t like their parents”. There will be a significant reason for the dislike.

I mean even if you did dislike your parents but they were still good enough/not abusive your contact would be low contact not no contact.

My BIL has low contact with my MIL. She’s clueless as to why but he resents her for (in my opinion) a really shit childhood. Think social services being called and asking them to lie etc.

Of course she’s Mary Poppins now in her old age and regularly posts the “you only have one mother” memes on FB.