To worry about Adult DC going NC?

[Regularmumnetter]

First off I’m aware how ridiculous this sounds. But I’ve been reading a lot of sad stories on MN of adult DC who have gone no contact for no reason (well as the poster says) or with no explanation. Every time I read one of these stories I feel like I walk on eggshells around my adult DC worrying that they’ll do this (not that they have any reason too - I don’t think??) but then I worry about if I have forgotten something that I’ve done accidentally that’s upset them years ago etc.

Is this irrational? Do other people feel like this?

I worry about this.

my mum was very abusive to me inc when I was an adult and as an adult I went NC with her, mainly to protect Dd who was 12yo at the time.

dd is an adult now and fully understands and agrees with my reasons for going NC with my mum. But sometimes Dd will say to me that when she’s left home she will go NC with me the way I went NC with my mum. I can understand her saying it in the heat of the moment if we were having an argument but she just comes out with it sometimes when we seem to be getting on fine.

Yanbu to worry OP. I have seen the NC situation happen in my own family. The adult child has huge mental health problems which he places firmly at the door of his parent. But, in all honesty, she gave him a way above average childhood and he is not in his right mind.

I do think about this as ime of my own brother, parents can be kind, caring people and still get unofficially cut off. 🤷

It irritates me all the more as he pops up occasionally as if nothing untoward had happened. We don't know his kids..

@WakeWaterWalk

Is he just self absorbed?
has he got a controlling wife?

He's got no flipping excuse imo.

But yes those are likely the two big drivers!

I see both sides of this...... my MIL plays the victim to all her friends about our reduced contact and she blames me as the DIL......but she is a narcissus and its all about her. She has had some truly horrific behaviour to FIL for years belittled him and treated him appallingly. My DH couldnt take staying there on visits any longer so we stopped, DH didn't want the confrontation so made an excuse of why we don't stay. Some of her highlights including not telling either DH or my SIL when FIL was gravely ill in hospital, or that his life support was being turned off so they had a chance to say goodbye (thankfully a Aunt called and they were able to get to ICU to see him) and blaming SIL for not supporting her when she needed some tests done (SIL had just had a c section and newborn that week).

She has never called to find out how her grandchildren are getting on yet will play the devoted grandmother role to her friends and then blame me for not spending time with them.

I wish my husband would go NC with her but if you ask any of her friends she is wonderful and we treat her terribly 🙄

I suspect this is where I am heading with my eldest DD (22) and it is breaking my heart. I am going to have to ask her to move out due to her behaviour. I'm at the end of my tether.
I know she will go NC unless I back down (again) but this time I just can't.
I hope as she matures, she will realise I am not the unreasonable monster she thinks I am.

@WakeWaterWalk

Shame when that happens. Don’t know what some wife’s get out of that. Some men need to grow a pair of balls.

I went Nc it’s my mum, she’ll tell anyone who will listen that she didn’t do anything wrong.
the fact I wanted to die says otherwise.

I do think it's actually quite easy to have a different life to a sibling depending on age and situation. I was the release for any stresses of my father. My brother would instantly faint if he even saw my father in a bad mood and so I always got the beating. I'm three years older and I ask my brother about things ( not the abuse) and he doesn't remember. My parents will say yes that happened but I think my brother is just in his own world ( luckily.) I'm like contact as I find my parents controlling and draining, plus I don't want to risk my father around my DC.

People do not go no contact for no reason. Anytime someone says to you their child stopped seeing them “for no reason”, that is a lie. Either they know the reason and don’t want to admit it, or they can’t even see the reason - which is a good indication of why their child doesn’t want them in their life.

I’m also always incredibly sceptical of people who claim their child’s partner forced them to cut contact. Obviously this happens in some cases of abusive relationships, but in lots of cases I’ve seen it’s taken a partner to point out the way that a family member treats them isn’t acceptable. I know on a small scale that’s happened with me and my partner - he pointed out how mean my Mum can be to me which was something I’d always laughed off, and made me see it wasn’t ok, and helped me confront her about it. I’ve also helped him see unhealthy patterns in his own relationship with his mother. We’ve helped each other instigate more boundaries etc. and that’s been really good for both of us. (Neither of us have gone NC or anything like that).

I also think probably raising your own children makes you reevaluate your upbringing and your relationship with your parents, and so many people find themselves processing childhood traumas and hurts as an adult and needing to step away from their relationships with their parents, leading to the blame being put on partners.

I have adult DC. I think communication is important. Both have been able to tell me things I did in the past that hurt them.

It was so tempting to be defensive. But they really just wanted me to acknowledge their hurt, to accept that things done even with good intentions were difficult for them.

Denying that things happened, or making it about me, would have made things worse imho.

I've certainly found it really hurtful when parents have denied that a thing even happened ( after talking said thing themselves!). I'm not NC and never intend to be, but I can understand why people are.

Really listening seems important.

According to the parent I've gone NC with they have no idea why. Despite me literally telling them. I had no problem expressing the reasons, they just refuse to hear them. They basically stick their fingers in their ears and hum when I say anything to them at all. Which actually is reason enough to go NC because refusing to listen to your child, acknowledge their feelings, see your part in anything, or ever apologise or make any changes in any way, is a pretty good reason for your child not to talk to you, isn't it? And of course, that's just one tiny part of it. There are so many reasons I'm NC, none of which my parent will ever admit to because it doesn't fit the image they want to portray to the world. The only people they don't say they don't know why I'm NC to, are the ones that he tells he still sees and talks to me. It's been half a decade!

I know my mum tells people there is no reason for me being NC. Infact she was the one who cut me out, I just didn't go running back as she'd trained me to do over the years. She does this with a lot of family members. She's very manipulative and would cut you out for the most minor thing, then threaten suicide or lie about relatives being in hospital in order for you to get in touch, then admit it was a ruse and laugh at you for being worried/annoyed.

She then told everyone we knew mutually about how unreasonable I am...some old school friends of mine believed her, until they eventually experienced the other side of her. She's deluded and believes her own lies. She's also a drunk so possibly does forget how awful she can be at times.

Parents know why their children have gone NC, even if they don't want to admit it even to themselves.

I went NC with my mum and unintentionally the rest of my family (aunts, uncles, cousins & siblings) because my mother told me I was no child's of hers anymore after I told my dad I was fed up of being treated like a child. Imagine getting the silent treatment and a huge animosity/hostility because I made a choice she didn't like.
Of course everyone else in my family doesn't know about the things she did and I won't tell them, but it's shit.

Just always let your children know you're there for them no matter what. That they won't be judged or verbally abused because maybe they didn't make the best choice.
That's all I ever wanted but apparently it was too much to ask.

I love my Ds deeply. We've both had a difficult time, partly because I'm disabled, not a great person, from not a great background, without much money, and partly because both he and his dad have ASD.
I raised him alone but making his dad have lots of contact in exchange for no financial obligation. I did the best with what I had at the time, I thought.
He had a really bad time with school and I fought to successfully change it giving up my income in the process. I've done a great deal to change the hand he got born with, but although he's doing well out of it, it's not enough, because he lives in the now, not in any sense of past and present contributing to where he (or anyone) is now.

A great many practical issues are years overdue now catching up with us, but many my fault because I kept making deals with him to try and make it possible for us both to get our needs met. His end has mainly been honored and mine not.
He now uses his work to be to busy to deal with his share of them. When he gets angry about why we're where we are, my view is it's because we both made the choices we did at the time, but that makes him more angry.
He shows no interest in relationships etc, says he'd love to be more independent but blames me for his failure to action it. I feel we are over enmeshed.

I'm constantly told what I am, what I think, what I feel, and none of it's good. When I try to adjust to what I think is wanted, I'm told I'm being false. When enough's thrown at at me for long enough, if I end up even slightly tearful, (which takes a fair bit) I get anger and "Oh here we go!"
He owes me a lot of money, I'd love to let it go, but don't have any income beyond PIP. He has my savings which makes him angry that he feels trapped, which is my fault. I kind of get it.
I'm actually currently not living in our home, to give him space. (a continuation of Covid needs) He (along with his dad) have both said they can't have me living with them on medication I was put on. I accepted that, but they also can't deal with the impact on my body of me not taking it.

He often tries to create rows and attempts to defuse them are met with accusations.
He's often aggressive, frustrated and angry. He insists everything I'm uncomfortable with is actually my behavior to him.
If I say I'll get on with things effectively without him, I'm being ridiculous and by saying that, controlling.
I no longer know what to do other than go away and accept that I may not be his only problem, but I'm definitely his right now problem.

I have tried to find middle ground repeatedly but it either gets rejected or later turned around. I love him a great deal, but have little left to give that's of interest to him. I am no longer the strong dynamic mother he claims I was, and he says he finds that hard.
I'm coming to the point of recognizing my existence is a burden to him but he can't deal with any logical answer to deal with it and we are going to have to end up NC so he can get on with his life.
If that's what's needed I'd like things to end gently and drift apart without rancour, he seems to want a dramatic showdown in which I accept that I am the reason he can't be expected to tolerate me other than on his terms.

For some perhaps NC is the only way forward.

Sorry, I just poured the bloody lot out!

Good thread. I think as long as respect is there. Mý mother rules the roost. Ive been low contact. Its draining. Then we get a duty to the elderly. She never see how rude she can be but no she never wrong lol. So theres no point arguing my case

@NarcissasMumintheDoghouse
Thanks for your recommendation about ‘the missing missing reason’ re estrangement.
Very clear, useful, and highly informative.
OP, I am not in contact with my parents for very good reasons. I have posted on MN before about the abuse I endured until I left home.
The police were involved, health agencies and social work.
I am 50 now. I have dealt with the deep traumas in my life as best as I can, and continue to do so. The pain and suffering from stopping contact with my parents was akin to grief. Yet the peace is amazing. My life became so much calmer and I started to feel joy.
My mother in particular was an accomplished liar, violent, neglectful, physically abusive, lied about having several terminal illnesses, I could go on!

I have really good relationships with both of my sons. One son lives elsewhere in the country but speaks most days to me and his dad. My other son is happy being at home still.
If you are being completely honest, and have a good relationship with your adult DC, then you have absolutely nothing to fear whatsoever. Truly. Not everyone had good parents. I wish I had.

I have recently decided to end my relationship with my parents. They are 84 and I'm 56. I should have done it years ago. I endured a lifetime of abuse. A lifetime lack of love and care. Its a great feeling. I feel empowered and free. I did my grieving many years ago.

There's usually abuse involved, where I've read. I went NC nearly 25 years ago and should have done it in leaving home for university in retrospect.

I'd been physically and mentally abused, but it was a small thing that was the decider. I don't regret it or miss them.

I don't think you need worry if there's nothing amiss, and never was, OP.