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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH doesn't understand, I mean really 'undertand' the issues women face

140 replies

RingRingRed · 27/05/2022 15:37

Just that really.

DH is a good person, and tries to understand but after another argument tonight I realised he just doesn't get the issues facing women.

I'm so fucked off because we have 2 DD but because they're young, the reality of how shit life is for females hasn't really struck.

He absolutely adores DD's and I'm dreading the BF stage.

He sees me as very fiesty but when I try to share my lived experience, he only sees how I don't 'take shit' now. In my 40s.

AIBU to be SO disappointed in DH

  • [post edited at OP's request to remove sensitive detail]
OP posts:
MrsJBaptiste · 27/05/2022 22:25

Holly60 · 27/05/2022 18:35

God I'm so glad I'm not the only one to think being a woman is actually pretty excellent.

I've had an amazing time being a woman. And before anyone says it that's in part BECAUSE of all the men I've come across, not in spite of.

Hear Hear! 👏

LocalHobo · 27/05/2022 22:35

the reality of how shit life is for females hasn't really struck.

It hasn’t struck me either and I’ve been one for nearly five decades.

I am having a very un-shit life. Please give your DD's the opportunity to have the same.

Pippainthegarden · 27/05/2022 22:43

FlowerArranger · 27/05/2022 22:12

...another woman might have primarily dreamed of being a housewife and mother

But surely you can see that this can be a very dangerous dream? Half of marriages end up in divorce - and then what, if the housewife and mother has no career to fall back on..... And even if she used to have a career, she'll have lost years of experience and promotions, and catching up will be difficult or impossible. And if she wasn't married, which is becoming increasingly more common, she'll risk getting shafted financially.

And she still has to deal with many of the other issues, especially safety.

I do understand where your coming from having been in those situations myself and yes I’m glad for my oldest daughter getting herself her own security and a career etc before having children and hope it would be within marriage. I was incredibly naive as a young girl and only very fortunate things didn’t turn out worse than they did but wish I had known what know now and may have saved many years of tears and better times for my children too. However at the same time money isn’t everything and there are happy marriages so no I don’t see it as a dangerous dream. You don’t need to be high flying or rich to be happy, you generally just need to have enough and good people around you and that’s the position I see myself and many fellow women in. The joy we get from being women too, the joy of being mother’s etc. That’s not to say we don’t care about injustices and don’t work to help through our work, charity etc but it’s not something we constantly feel raged up about in relation to our personal lives and plenty a time it’s a another woman causing us strife anyway

Robin233 · 28/05/2022 01:17

@SallyWD

I'm a woman and don't feel my life is shit at all. I love being a women. I can see how life can be shit for some women. Of course I see that. I can also see how life can be shit for men too - they face different pressures and problems to women but life isn't a bed of roses for them either - just look at male suicide rates to see how many men don't cope with life. Maybe your DH will gain more understanding as your daughters grow up. How can he really understand what it's like to be a woman? I don't understand what it's like to be a man, or gay, or old or disabled etc etc.
^^^^^
Totally agreed.
I have a great life and am grateful every day for it.
I love being a woman and find us mental the stronger sex.
Male suicide figures are terrible
I personally know of 3 plus men -
I have the property seller talking to my dh not me - I just laughed. I mean I had the money and it was my decision- we didn't buy the house either.
I taught my daughter to be strong, independent and that she could be anything she set her mind too - just like me. (Girl Power always )
I love men too. I have 3 awesome sons too who are respectful and liked by women.

Aquamarine1029 · 28/05/2022 01:54

You're absurd if you expect a man to fully appreciate and understand what it's like to be female. Of course they can't, and that's not their fault.

onlythreenow · 28/05/2022 03:08

the reality of how shit life is for females hasn't really struck.

It hasn’t struck me either and I’ve been one for nearly five decades.

It hasn't stuck me either, and I'm even older!

onlythreenow · 28/05/2022 03:08

struck

MangyInseam · 28/05/2022 03:28

Despinetta · 27/05/2022 15:55

the reality of how shit life is for females hasn't really struck.

It hasn’t struck me either and I’ve been one for nearly five decades.

Yeah, I don't think this is somethig that women actually agree about so I don't see whay all men would.

Wallywobbles · 28/05/2022 04:13

My DH is pretty good all round. Brought up in a house where his mum was a pretty equal partner. Massive respect for woman etc. But because DH judges this by his standards I always feel like he doesn't believe me about this topic. I must be exaggerating. It's just totally goes over his head.

SisterSpeakerStar2 · 28/05/2022 05:15

Slightly
"women have until very recently had to retire later than men"

What do you mean by this ?

The state retirement age is currently 66 for men & women in UK
But people don't have to retire, they can continue to work if their employer allows

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 28/05/2022 05:20

Most men just don't care about the issues that women face, they are, "I'm alright Jack" kind of people. They only care about the issues affecting them because men are intrinsically selfish and always have been.
My DS who is 40 certainly cares about women's issues more now than he did when he was younger, he says if anything happened to DiL he'd be too scared to date because of #metoo and anything he said or did being taken the wrong way so he'd probably stay single.
But then he was brought up just by me with no dad so is more sensitive to women.

Tontostitis · 28/05/2022 06:07

Oh dear

AllAloneInThisHouse · 28/05/2022 06:55

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

My DS who is 40 certainly cares about women's issues more now than he did when he was younger, he says if anything happened to DiL he'd be too scared to date because of #metoo and anything he said or did being taken the wrong way so he'd probably stay single.

You do realise that your son is part of the problem, right?

What did you tell him after he said this bullshit?

DinosApple · 28/05/2022 07:19

Oh I've dealt with a fucking commercial estate agent who thought he was the absolute dogs bollocks. I dealt solely with him and yet he repeatedly replied to DH in emails. Dickhead.

Fortunately we didn't buy the property in the end and found a better alternative with a more professional agent.

... But DH just could not understand why I was spitting feathers about the first agent. I really had to spell it out in simple terms!

It's fucking rude. The agent has ignored me and addressed you. Despite it being me emailing queries. Signing my very obviously female name at the bottom.
This either means he thinks communicating with me is a waste of time as he (erroneously) believes you hold the purse strings....
Or his reading comprehension skills are so poor that he would be unable to see the completion of the sale through.

DH sort of got it then. And is a bit more understanding now. We have two daughters so he's going to hear a lot more from all of us before long!

heartsinklife · 28/05/2022 07:43

This is such an interesting thread.

I grew up in poverty (single parent - two bed council flat with five of us, income support, worse state school in the country) - I pushed and pushed and when I turned 32 I accepted a job that seen me earning well over 'three figure'.

That was the end of my dating life. Men could simply not handle it. I have no idea whatsoever why, I am so down to earth fundamentally. It seemed ithey had an idea of what my salary could be - but when they found out it was hugely over that glitter left their eyes. Maybe it is not about that. But my singleness has directly correlated with how successful I have been on paper (my character and looks have not changed) - also I am slimmer and look after myself more now (better clothes and hair etc). I am not arrogant given my humble beginnings and I have not 'changed' - but the way people have reacted to me (men) has definately changed. It makes me so sad.

I highly doubt a man earning over 200k in his 30s would be sitting on Bumble crying about how he had been dumped and been single for 2-3 years. Maybe there are men like that but I highly, highly, highly doubt it.

I would never in real life bring this up to any of them. Since I started to be this successful - I have been sexually assaulted, cohersed, gaslit numerous times, ghosted, dumped. When I was younger and from a 'vulnearable' background I had no issue whatsoever getting men intested in me. So make of it what you will. Is it a coincidence that men now see me as merely an object to over power and be disgusted by?

I am not alone with this phenomen - as my Sister has known several similar stories which is comforting and makes me feel less alone. All the woman she knew (4 or so) of them just held their hands up at my age - gave up - and had children alone. This seems to be the only demographic of woman I know socially that choses to be single mothers by choice.

I have to say that now I purposely dumb myself down with men socially, in shops etc as it really is just easier to fall into the narrative now. And I would not even bother bringing it up to a guy because they do not get it and have been socialised that we 'over react'.

Any way theres my TED talk. Fundamentally OP I know what your getting at but fundamentally OP it will be DP expierences that make him realise. Like the book 'I no longer talk to white people abour race' - theres no point until they (men) expierence it themselves. I also do not blame them as such - woman and men are socialised very differently. I suppose I wonder if I am a bit like the 'short guy' - many woman would not date a man shorter than them as we want someone to tower over us and make us safe - men as socialised to be 'better providers' - I often wonder if its something to do with that.

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