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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU re accommodation and this wedding invite?

81 replies

PinkKryptonite · 27/05/2022 08:44

SIL is getting married overseas and we are invited. It is a minimum no. of nights stay in a large villa. We will need airport car park or 2-way taxi to airport, flights, 2 dogs in kennel and a cattery, car hire (as its in the middle of nowhere) and 2 rooms as there are 5 of us. Then there are the other costs on top of that. It is going to cost loads.

SIL and DH are not close, and she has very little to do with our family. One of the reasons why I have little to do with her is because she throws her toys out the pram when she doesn't get what she wants - this is the AIBU to follow.

Initially we said we were not going to go due to the cost, versus the very little relationship we have with her. However, this caused a lot of upset with PIL and a lot of emotional blackmail to my DH. Also, when I sought counsel from friends and family their overwhelming view was "it's his sister".

The issue is, I have said that I (we) will go, but I am not staying at this accommodation. I don't want to be cooped up with people I don't know, or my DH's extended family who are rude to me and my DC. I am happy to go to the wedding day, but the rest of the time I am there we are doing our own thing. Also, this means I can reduce the no. of days we are there. I don't want to spend more holiday days on this than I have to. SIL has kicked off as the villa needs a certain no. of people to stay there (although I am sure others will stay there) and she wants all her family to have meals out together, days out all in the run up to the wedding and make it a 5 day wedding. This is my idea of hell. Plus I feel like I am enabling her behaviour, which I am heartily sick of.

Who IBU here?

OP posts:
RumJerrySailorRum · 27/05/2022 08:48

Sounds like an ideal compromise to me.

You are going to her wedding, but staying somewhere more budget and family friendly for you.

Only an arsehole would have a problem with this.

mubarak86 · 27/05/2022 08:49

I think it would be the good thing for her DB to go to the villa and do the family days/meals out. As it's his sister, he should be the one to decide what he wants to do.

Tiani4 · 27/05/2022 08:52

Her response is about what is best for her and sharing cost of their villa

You found a good compromise which is at cost to you of staying elsewhere.
I think they are lucky you are willing to attend their overseas wedding given it is expensive.

I wouldn't want to live on top of each other and she wants to suck up all your time for 5 days when you can see benefit of attending their one day wedding and having a 4 day relaxed holiday for yourself. I would double down on your offer "we are offering to save up and attend your wedding day overseas but will arrange our own accomodation, if that's not suitable for you then respectfully we will decline the wedding invite"

Yanbu

Auntieobem · 27/05/2022 08:53

Yabu for going. Let dp go on his own or with the kids.

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 27/05/2022 08:55

She is asking everyone else to pay for her wedding.

Blarting · 27/05/2022 08:57

YANBU it's a compromise

Tiani4 · 27/05/2022 08:58

Just because her wedding is overseas it does not mean DH and you as her SIL have to attend 5 days of wedding and sticking together stuff. It wouldn't be healthy too, given your description.

If this was a wedding at home, no way 5 full days of undivided attention and dedication to spending time with wedding couple be expected !!

I'm very close to my family and even I wouldn't do that for my own wedding !! Maybe an early meal the night before and all the wedding day, maybe breakfast day after if we stayed at same place, but not the rest of the days ...!!!

MrsSkylerWhite · 27/05/2022 09:00

Seems like a very good compromise, YANBU.

WaltzingWaters · 27/05/2022 09:01

If she wants to pay for the villa then fine, otherwise, stay where you like!
it sounds like the perfect compromise to me, going to the wedding day but staying elsewhere and making it an enjoyable holiday for you and the kids too

EcafTnuc · 27/05/2022 09:02

If the little princess wants that then she can pay for that then can't she. She pays for the accommodation for everyone, she pays for all the meals out she is demanding. How do adults get to the point of being married but still act like spoilt rotten toddlers who throw fits when they don't get their own way? It's outstanding.

ahunf · 27/05/2022 09:06

I don't think she wants you staying as you've said they aren't close.

I think she invited you (and others) so she could get the cost of the villa covered.

Cakecakecheese · 27/05/2022 09:08

Argh this sort of thing is so annoying. Sure have a wedding abroad if you wat but you have to understand that not everyone will be able to/afford to or even want to attend a lengthy eleborate shindig. Ooh I'm going to use a classic Mumsnet line: 'It's an invitation, not a summons'.

It doesn't even sound like she particularly wants your husband there to see him but its more like he has to be there as he's family and how it would look to others if he doesn't attend.

ErickBroch · 27/05/2022 09:10

YANBU! If you are spending all that money I would go for a week where you want to stay, have a holiday, and then attend the wedding! As others have said, she is expecting others to pay for a chunk of it.

LakieLady · 27/05/2022 09:14

ahunf · 27/05/2022 09:06

I don't think she wants you staying as you've said they aren't close.

I think she invited you (and others) so she could get the cost of the villa covered.

Yep!

I hate the way guests are expected to subsidise the grandiose ideas of Bridezillas these days. I wouldn't bloody go.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 27/05/2022 09:14

She is being unreasonable.

Wanting your brother at your wedding - fine

Wanting your brother and family to subsidise the cost of your holiday for 5 days - unreasonable. It's not his fault she pre booked the villa and surely he can go to any activities or meals or whatever if you're staying nearby even if he isn't actually staying in the villa

I say this as someone who had a wedding abroad, and chose the best value place I could find in an accessible place for accommodation and even then it was 'we are staying here, feel free to choose somewhere else if you prefer'. We also paid half of our siblings flights to try and keep the cost the same as the cost of a standard holiday. We organised a couple of very low key activities and they were completely optional, some people came and some didnt

Kitten2 · 27/05/2022 09:15

It's too much. Stay at home. If DH wants to go and take the kids that's up to him. Make sure there's a clear budget though so you can still have a holiday too.

People can't have multi day weddings, especially abroad and expect everyone to be happy to attend. It's a lot of time and money.

He can decide for himself what to do.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 27/05/2022 09:15

Oh and I found an amazing villa I could have got married at and chose not to for this reason as didn't think it was fair to dictate where people stayed and how much it cost for 5 nights

Shinyandnew1 · 27/05/2022 09:17

Is she paying for the villa?

I’d send DH on his own-no need for 5 flights, loads of accommodation, kennels, chattery etc. Much cheaper.

Ponderingwindow · 27/05/2022 09:28

i can sort of see the argument that you need to be there for some of the other meals, but that is because I’m from a culture where there are celebratory family meals surrounding the wedding.

actually staying at the villa… no…. She is upset because without your payment for 5 it no longer works financially for her. This is classic destination weddings are just a way to foist the cost of the wedding on to the guests.

easyday · 27/05/2022 09:29

Gosh I have a great relationship with my extended family but five days all meals and activities together? Heck no! I might manage two.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 27/05/2022 09:29

SIL has kicked off as the villa needs a certain no. of people to stay there

Ah, another of those where you're expected to subsidise the costs Hmm

Personally I wouldn't be going, but since you've already (very reasonably) compromised, I'd be making it clear that you've done what you can and anything else is a no

EmerLou · 27/05/2022 09:33

How does your husband feel? its his family, his sister etc. Not overly fair on him missing out on this family time because you don't want to be there is it.

Bonjovispjs · 27/05/2022 09:34

I wouldn't go to anyones wedding who had treated me like that no matter where it was!

Thesefeetaremadeforwalking · 27/05/2022 09:35

What is it with these "destination weddings" where all the guests end up subsidising the bride ??

OP you said This is my idea of hell. Plus I feel like I am enabling her behaviour, which I am heartily sick of.

I just wouldn't go, however you have 'caved in' so it looks like you're stuck with it....

FuchsAndMöhr · 27/05/2022 09:38

What does your DH want to do? 🤷🏼‍♀️