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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU re accommodation and this wedding invite?

81 replies

PinkKryptonite · 27/05/2022 08:44

SIL is getting married overseas and we are invited. It is a minimum no. of nights stay in a large villa. We will need airport car park or 2-way taxi to airport, flights, 2 dogs in kennel and a cattery, car hire (as its in the middle of nowhere) and 2 rooms as there are 5 of us. Then there are the other costs on top of that. It is going to cost loads.

SIL and DH are not close, and she has very little to do with our family. One of the reasons why I have little to do with her is because she throws her toys out the pram when she doesn't get what she wants - this is the AIBU to follow.

Initially we said we were not going to go due to the cost, versus the very little relationship we have with her. However, this caused a lot of upset with PIL and a lot of emotional blackmail to my DH. Also, when I sought counsel from friends and family their overwhelming view was "it's his sister".

The issue is, I have said that I (we) will go, but I am not staying at this accommodation. I don't want to be cooped up with people I don't know, or my DH's extended family who are rude to me and my DC. I am happy to go to the wedding day, but the rest of the time I am there we are doing our own thing. Also, this means I can reduce the no. of days we are there. I don't want to spend more holiday days on this than I have to. SIL has kicked off as the villa needs a certain no. of people to stay there (although I am sure others will stay there) and she wants all her family to have meals out together, days out all in the run up to the wedding and make it a 5 day wedding. This is my idea of hell. Plus I feel like I am enabling her behaviour, which I am heartily sick of.

Who IBU here?

OP posts:
ChocolateHippo · 27/05/2022 09:39

I would have sent DH on his own.

You've set out your boundaries, now stick to them and refuse to budge. Putting pressure on people to attend a 5 day wedding abroad is absolutely ridiculous! And if there's 3 kids, you definitely want your own space with them.

DatingIsDifficult · 27/05/2022 09:44

I wouldn’t dream of attending. Let the PIL pile on the pressure if they want. None of you (you five) seem to want to go.

Rosehugger · 27/05/2022 09:50

Incredibly reasonable of you to go at all, I'd say.

Subbaxeo · 27/05/2022 09:53

Does you husband actually want to go? Do you? Could he go independently? If yes, yes and no, then your plan is the best way forward. I can’t believe these wedding fests when everyone is expected to be as enthusiastic about extravagant spending as the bridal couple.

Lizziekisss · 27/05/2022 09:56

PIL must surely realise that for a family with 3 children, this would be a very expensive arrangement, and should be counselling their DD (the bride) to realise that they just cannot expect her brother and family to fund this. If the bride wants this she should subsidise it , if the PIL are putting pressure on then they should put their money where their mouth is and subsidise it. And that's just the financial aspect never mind 5 days of enforced family fun.

Workawayxx · 27/05/2022 10:09

I think that's a good compromise. You can still go for some meals out etc with them. Another option would be for your DH to go by himself to save costs and stay in the villa but just one room.

MarinoRoyale · 27/05/2022 10:13

You use a lot of “I” in your post but haven’t really said what your DH thinks?

FWIW, I’d not be railroaded into staying there if I didn’t want to. Just don’t discuss it, tell them you’ve booked your own accommodation but will make sure you’re around for the important parts of the wedding.

Beautiful3 · 27/05/2022 10:18

15 years ago we felt emotionally blackmailed, into attending a long distance wedding. We paid a stupid amount (over £2,000) on attending. We vowed never again. If it's local, we'd go, but we're never spending crazy money again on someone else's wedding. After all its their day, not mine! Just say no, we can't afford it. Or your husband could go alone?

KarmaStar · 27/05/2022 10:18

I wouldn't go.
She is after her wedding being paid for.
The disruption and cost is unfair.
If your dh wants to go he can,I'd stay home

LindaEllen · 27/05/2022 10:19

YANBU. I get on with my DP's family, and even I wouldn't want to stay in a villa with them. Space is important!

Amelion · 27/05/2022 10:22

These sort of destination weddings are a massive PITA.

You have to spend loads, take a week off work etc to go to somewhere with people that you wouldn’t choose for a holiday.

Can you send DH by himself?

Pickabearanybear · 27/05/2022 10:22

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Hoppinggreen · 27/05/2022 10:25

What does DH think?
If he’s happy to go alone then he should or if you DO all need to go dont budge on the separate accommodation

SeemsSoUnfair · 27/05/2022 10:32

What does your dh want to do? That should be the primary consideration, then work out what you will do around that, you can decide to go or stay at home.

Don't put him between a rock and a hard place with his family.

Onthegrid · 27/05/2022 10:35

I like my family but wouldn't want to be trapped in a villa with them for 5 nights!

For context I have been away with both my family and my in-laws but we either stay in hotels or our own villa nearby, we don't all live in each others pockets. There was the one occasion about 10 years ago when we shared, I kept the peace for 4 days before exploding at my brother who was being an unreasonable lazy arse as usual. And this is without the drama of a Bridezilla and a wedding!

I have stayed in accommodation with the bridal party for the night before/after UK weddings, again this is not my choice as there is usually a male/female split and with 2 DD it means DH gets/got a stag night and I got to try and settle 2 excited girls.

Annual leave is precious, as are family budgets, spend it on your family not obligations and if that causes too much drama/anguish then don't go.

ittakes2 · 27/05/2022 10:37

Is the villa in Mauritius by anyway? I went to a family holiday in similar situation and unfort fell out with my sister for two years. Weddings abroad can be bonding - living on top of each other during weddings abroad can be family destroying.

Cryingbutstilltrying · 27/05/2022 10:42

I think your offer is more than generous, and seeing as that obviously isn’t good enough I would tell them to piss off completely then.

If DH wanted to go by himself I would suggest that. The sort of set up you describe is my idea of hell though, so I would never have agreed to any of it in the first place. My kids are fortunately quite challenging and make for a handy excuse to get out of a lot of events that sound shit.

Your SIL has made her choice to go abroad for her wedding, you can make the choice not to attend.

HoppingPavlova · 27/05/2022 10:46

What is it with people wanting a 5 day wedding. Absurd.

I would stay home with the kids and DH could either fly in, fly out (staying at a different accommodation for that night), or he could stay with his family for the 5 nights if he wanted and you guys could afford it.

Tessasanderson · 27/05/2022 10:54

Dont do it......TWICE and i regret both occassions. I reckon i spent best part of 6k on both weddings and i would rather have set fire to the money rather than go.

The most recent example was my brothers wedding abroad. I am not on bad terms with him but we dont really have close family relations. Invite came, we made all the necessary arrangements including some logistical help for them with other family members. We got to italy and were treated like Lepers. No inclusion in anything, felt like a dog turd stuck on everyones shoes. They had boat trips etc arranged for the wedding day. We got on, sat down and were told by the photographer that it was family only on the main deck. At this point i just couldnt be bothered to argue and wish i had just gone home. All the wedding photos we are on the end, lucky not to be cut off.

Honestly, if you are not part of the main party, you are there for one reason only TO MAKE UP THE NUMBERS SO THE WEDDING PARTY FEEL IMPORTANT AND POPULAR. Dont do it.

GreatStuff67 · 27/05/2022 11:03

SIL and DH are not close, and she has very little to do with our family

Just from that I wouldn't be going. I'd tell PILs that if SIL wants the 5 day family fun dream vacation wedding she should have thought about treating her family better before.

Dixiechickonhols · 27/05/2022 11:04

Would DH go alone and stay in villa?

QueefofSheena · 27/05/2022 11:07

Tell her and the rest of them to fuck off. You say they are rude to you, that would be all the reason I’d need not to go.

Original poster
PinkKryptonite · 27/05/2022 12:01

Although I have used "I" a lot, DH and I are on the same page. He thinks it is too much money, a massive PITA and he doesn't think much of her partner. He initially said no, but his mum piled on the waterworks when I wasn't there and he came back agreeing to go.

I might suggest he go alone.

I do think we are making the numbers up to not only pay for the venue, but also because the grooms party is a lot larger than SIL's and she will want her lot there to balance it all out. I refuse to pay for her wedding and enable her ongoing Princess Behaviour, she's 51.

OP posts:
Ramsbottom · 27/05/2022 12:03

I think let your husband lead here as this is clearly all,about you and your dislike for her,

LampLighter414 · 27/05/2022 12:07

Your poor SIL just wanting her DB and his family at her wedding, how selfish of her. I'm glad you've agreed to go.

Have you clearly stated cost and that you will arrange cheaper accommodation and for a shorter stay to allow this?

If PIL kick off too maybe they'd be kind enough to contribute at the very least...