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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU re accommodation and this wedding invite?

81 replies

PinkKryptonite · 27/05/2022 08:44

SIL is getting married overseas and we are invited. It is a minimum no. of nights stay in a large villa. We will need airport car park or 2-way taxi to airport, flights, 2 dogs in kennel and a cattery, car hire (as its in the middle of nowhere) and 2 rooms as there are 5 of us. Then there are the other costs on top of that. It is going to cost loads.

SIL and DH are not close, and she has very little to do with our family. One of the reasons why I have little to do with her is because she throws her toys out the pram when she doesn't get what she wants - this is the AIBU to follow.

Initially we said we were not going to go due to the cost, versus the very little relationship we have with her. However, this caused a lot of upset with PIL and a lot of emotional blackmail to my DH. Also, when I sought counsel from friends and family their overwhelming view was "it's his sister".

The issue is, I have said that I (we) will go, but I am not staying at this accommodation. I don't want to be cooped up with people I don't know, or my DH's extended family who are rude to me and my DC. I am happy to go to the wedding day, but the rest of the time I am there we are doing our own thing. Also, this means I can reduce the no. of days we are there. I don't want to spend more holiday days on this than I have to. SIL has kicked off as the villa needs a certain no. of people to stay there (although I am sure others will stay there) and she wants all her family to have meals out together, days out all in the run up to the wedding and make it a 5 day wedding. This is my idea of hell. Plus I feel like I am enabling her behaviour, which I am heartily sick of.

Who IBU here?

OP posts:
Dixiechickonhols · 27/05/2022 12:20

If just he goes alone your costs will be massively reduced.
Spending thousands and a full week of annual leave is just not feasible for most people even if they were on the best terms.
I’d agree a plan with DH and then get him to tell them and stick to it. Would costing it out help? So if they put on guilt he can say are you transferring me £5000 mum/sister?

Testina · 27/05/2022 12:21

She’s 51?! She can pay for her own bloody wedding holiday.

If it was somewhere I was happy to make my family holiday (I’d compromise if not my first choice, but I’d have to want to go there) I’d do that - staying in different accommodation.

Your husband should cost it - including cattery - and say to his water works mother, “I’m not spending £2K* on a trip to a place I don’t want to go to.”

*or whatever

SunshineCake · 27/05/2022 13:05

Why does it only work one way ? People say you should go as she is his sister, how about she should be a nice relative and be involved in her brother and nieces life because she is their sister/auntie?

Smileandtheworldsmileswithyou · 27/05/2022 14:23

She’s 51?! Jesus she sounds like a child the way she’s acting. Don’t let these people make you spend your hard earned money on things that you don’t want to, life is too short!

starlingdarling · 27/05/2022 14:25

It's my idea of hell and I like my family! Being expected to spend all that money on a wedding where she dictates activities for 5 days rather than a holiday where you can go off and do your own thing is selfish of her.

Whooshaagh · 27/05/2022 14:30

51! Then your dh is ridiculous to enable this behaviour.
I would book a holiday somewhere else and leave his family to it.

1FootInTheRave · 27/05/2022 14:30

A wedding is 1 day. Not 5.

Your compromise is more than fair.

She's a self centred brat expecting people to suck up the cost and attend 5 days of wedding shit.

RampantIvy · 27/05/2022 14:35

"Please stop trying to guilt trip me/us into doing something we can't afford"

If your DH really doesn't want to go he needs to stand firm. If he is guilt tripped into going he goes on his own. Tell them that it is non negotiable. End of.

Marvellousmadness · 27/05/2022 15:27

Send dh on his own

Or he stays home as well

Wayyyyy too much trouble for someone you have no relationship with

Itloggedmeoutagain · 27/05/2022 15:35

Jeeez. She's a spoilt brat.
We got married abroad. We said to family and friends we're getting married here. We'd love you to come but we fully understand if you can't. We were not offended in the slightest by any who didn't come. It's not just the money it's the time off work and a whole host of other things.
Those who came stayed where they wanted to stay and where their budget allowed. Some came for a few days some came for longer. We helped with airport transfers where we could and we provided transport for everyone to and from the wedding.
We had a few days /eves where it was a case of what's everyone doing this is where we'll be if anyone wants to join us. Some did some didn't.

We invited them to our wedding not to be joined at our hips

rookiemere · 27/05/2022 15:42

YANBU.
As someone has already said, a wedding is one day - not five.
If she wants you to impersonate the Brady Bunch then she pays for it. I think your compromise was pretty reasonable the bridal couple do not get to dictate where people stay unless they foot the bill.

Carlycat · 27/05/2022 22:03

Shinyandnew1 · 27/05/2022 09:17

Is she paying for the villa?

I’d send DH on his own-no need for 5 flights, loads of accommodation, kennels, chattery etc. Much cheaper.

Definitely this

alphons · 27/05/2022 22:15

51!!

There isn’t much time left to set boundaries around your relationship with SIL. This ridiculous wedding seems like the perfect opportunity, to me.

SpeedofaSloth · 27/05/2022 22:23

YANBU. I would rather be dead than go on a group holiday like this, wedding or no wedding.

SpeedofaSloth · 27/05/2022 22:26

Er, 51?!?

SpindleSheWrote · 27/05/2022 22:30

No way in hell would I be blackmailed into going to that pile o' shite by a bunch of dramatic twatheads, even if someone else were paying for it (which they're not).

If your DH is daft and brave enough to go, then off he goes. On his own.

Bananarama21 · 27/05/2022 22:38

I think yabu why not just let your dh go and spent time with his family if you don't like them.

ProfessorFusspot · 27/05/2022 22:41

Unless there's some reason the wedding is overseas (thr couple live there, or his family does) then it's not reasonable for her to expect anyone to attend. Her parents shouldn't have interfered. But YANBU (unless you husband committed to staying at the villa and she booked on that basis and can't adjust). And why are his extended family being rude to you? If they want you at the the family outings they can behave civilly.

Babyvenusplant · 27/05/2022 22:49

Omg she's 51, I was thinking she was really young and immature

I'd be sending dh by himself if he really wanted to go, you'd save a fortune

LookItsMeAgain · 27/05/2022 23:16

My advice - tell them you're going, just don't book anything. Don't book flights or accommodation. Or book your own holiday (including your DH) for a completely different country that's going to clash within the dates of the wedding so you can't go to the wedding. It seems clear that neither of you want to be at the wedding, so just don't go. By saying you're going, it at least keeps his family happy, and by the time they realise that you're not there, it's too late

HikingforScenery · 27/05/2022 23:22

Could this be a chance to foster better relationships between your family and other family members? For the sake of your DH and the DC. It’s his sister. If you can afford it, I would go and stay at the villa.

RampantIvy · 28/05/2022 06:50

HikingforScenery · 27/05/2022 23:22

Could this be a chance to foster better relationships between your family and other family members? For the sake of your DH and the DC. It’s his sister. If you can afford it, I would go and stay at the villa.

I'm not convinced that this would work. It is more likely to go the other way and they will come back not speaking to each other.

rookiemere · 28/05/2022 07:08

LookItsMeAgain · 27/05/2022 23:16

My advice - tell them you're going, just don't book anything. Don't book flights or accommodation. Or book your own holiday (including your DH) for a completely different country that's going to clash within the dates of the wedding so you can't go to the wedding. It seems clear that neither of you want to be at the wedding, so just don't go. By saying you're going, it at least keeps his family happy, and by the time they realise that you're not there, it's too late

I really wouldn't do that.

At least 50% of the reason they want you there is to pay for their villa choice, possibly more. They are cheeky feckers, but pretending you were going to stay then pulling out would put them in a difficult financial situation. They possibly deserve that, but it's a bit of a downer on future family relations, probably more than continuing to say No just now.

HikingforScenery · 28/05/2022 08:54

RampantIvy · 28/05/2022 06:50

I'm not convinced that this would work. It is more likely to go the other way and they will come back not speaking to each other.

Show quote history

That’s a strong possibility, you’re right.

I agree with everyone saying the best scenario is for DH to go.

balalake · 28/05/2022 09:05

DH on his own or none of you seems the best option.

Unless you want to go to the ceremony and object at the point where the celebrant asks if there is a reason why the couple should not get married.