To think friend is organizing social activities she knows we can't attend, then getting annoyed we can't attend them?

[youngwildandni]

We have a core group of 5 couples (us included) that we socialise with pretty often. 4 have children, one does not (cnbc).

We try and do a mixture of things with the kids and as adults only, though we do do more things with the kids. They're all aged between 6mo and 7 years so still very young families. We're all expats so none of us have family close by and having to shell out for a sitter too often gets expensive. Two of us also have very small babies - >1 so it's not so easy to leave them with someone else.

Our friend who doesn't have children - let's call her Jane - keeps inviting us all to things that most or all of us can't reasonably attend - either vv last minute things (e.g - text asking us all over for dinner tomorrow night at 8pm - past the kids bed time and usually too late to organize a sitter), or trying to organize a day gin tasting on a Saturday/ adults only weekend away etc that's just not really feasible. There have been loads of others too - and so usually some/ most/ all of us end up having to decline. As opposed to days out or dinners the kids can come to which we all usually go along to (Jane and her DH included). We do occasionally organize an adults only thing but this is usually weeks in advance rather than with days or sometimes even hours notice!

It's getting to the point now where she'll message the group once or twice a week suggesting something, mainly at very short notice, and we all have to say - again - that we can't go. Then she starts getting annoyed and telling us we're all boring! She has other friends who she goes out with a lot so it's not like by us not going, she doesn't get to go out.

AIBU to be annoyed that she keeps suggesting things she knows we probably can't do?! I've long since moved past the 'oh Jane's trying to organize another lovely thing for us all to do, isn't she nice' way of thinking and now I just feel like replying to each one something along the lines of 'ffs, Jane. You know we can't do that.🙄'

YABU - give Jane a break. At least she's trying.

YANBU - she knows you all have young families and you can't drop everything at a moment's notice to go to a cocktail making class/ spa weekend away/ dinner at a fancy new restaurant. No matter how much you might want to 😂

This is what I was getting at when I said that I suspected that it wasn’t that Jane only wants to socialise with couples, but that the couples don’t want to waste their time without kids on their childless friends.

@rainbowmilk but it's not this at all? If that was the case I would be telling Jane I don't want to see her, when I do, I just get frustrated that she's always asking to do things at incredibly short notice or that we just can't do because we have commitments. I've never said I consider spending time with her, or even trying to, 'wast(ed) time' so I really don't understand what you mean by this.

The entire thread has been either “Jane is inviting us as a couple so she doesn’t want to see us separately” or “we don’t socialise separately, that’s just not what we do”.

I found that odd - why would Jane be so insistent that it be couples only, when presumably what she wants is an adult night out rather than hanging out at mini golf, and the best way to get that is to see the couples as individuals so the other parent can do childcare.

And then you said that you and DH don’t go out much together so when you’re going on an adult night you want to spend it with him there. It’s not about Jane - it’s about not wanting to spend childless time with a friend when you could be spending it with your husband.

I speak from experience - it is really, really common for couples with kids to see a night out without kids as a waste unless it’s spent with their husband. It’s really tedious.

I found that odd - why would Jane be so insistent that it be couples only, when presumably what she wants is an adult night out rather than hanging out at mini golf, and the best way to get that is to see the couples as individuals so the other parent can do childcare

The fact you find that odd isn't really relevant here, that's the way it is 🤷🏻‍♀️ I think in this instance you're presuming incorrectly that she wants an adult night out when she wants a couples night out - strongly indicated by the fact that she invites us out as couples, not individually. If her sm feeds, and what she talks about when we see each other are anything to go by, then she has lots of adult nights out with her other friends. This is her chance for couples nights out.

And then you said that you and DH don’t go out much together so when you’re going on an adult night you want to spend it with him there. It’s not about Jane - it’s about not wanting to spend childless time with a friend when you could be spending it with your husband.

Yes - if I'm going 'out out' my preference is to go out with my husband and these couple friends. We always have a good time and the only reason we don't do it more is because we have young children and the cost of a night out plus babysitter is pretty astronomical these days. Plus it's also difficult to actually find a sitter we like and trust enough, who is free when we want her etc. Again - nowhere here am I saying I don't want to see Jane and her DH. Not once have I said I don't want to see her - it's that circumstances mean we can't as often, or at such short notice, as she wants to.

I'm sorry for what you've been through in the past but you're projecting your experiences onto me and this situation which is different.

YANBU. You are entitled to prioritise how to spend your free time and your cash, and to want to have your own private nights out with your DH. I imagine if you are all ex-pats, there is a limited pool of babysitters. You are not an infinite resource for Jane; you have different priorities as to how you live your lives. Don’t feel bad about this.