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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is being unreasonable here?

112 replies

merlinsway · 25/05/2022 12:06

Me and my ex share a DD (8). He has her every second weekend Friday to Monday and every second Wednesday from school finish till school start.

I got impromptu tickets to go and see a show on Thursday night. I have asked my dad to watch my DD and said I would pick her up after the show. She gets really, really, homesick and won't stay anywhere other than my house and her dads. She has tried many times.

I just realised if I pick her up after the show it will be after midnight and she has school the next day. So I phoned my ex and asked him, he sighed and said he was free but I really need to get a handle on her not staying places, I should just tell her she is staying at my dads and not care if she gets homesick she just has to deal with it. I said it sounds to me like it's an inconvenience to have your daughter and you would rather she was upset and crying and homesick at someone else's house when she could be with her dad and happy and content? He then said 'I don't have time for this, I can't be bothered with you' and just hung up.

I agreed to do something for him for his work, he has offered to pay me but to be honest I don't need the money and it's hanging over me when I have better things to be doing. I am just so wound up and am just going to pick my daughter up after the show and if she's tired for school oh well.

The favours I do for this man, I am always pleasant to him, he always asks for lifts here there and everywhere. Is always appreciative in the moment then turns round and speaks to me like that for dare bringing up the fact that it seems to be an inconvenience to have his daughter who he only has 8 nights out the month!

2 questions -

  • was I unreasonable talking back to him and questioning his thought process?
  • would I be unreasonable to drop his stuff for the work favour back to him today and tell him I'm not doing it or would that be unreasonable due to the fact I had agreed to do it?
OP posts:
AdobeWanKenobi · 25/05/2022 12:12

I can see where he's coming from. A stay at a Grandparents home aged 8 is a very normal thing.
And yes, you'd be unreasonable, you've agreed.

tendence · 25/05/2022 12:14

In your situation, I would limit my contacts with your ex, to make your life easier. Not in a spiteful way - I think I would finish off what I had taken on for him - I like to fulfil what I've agreed to do, even if it annoys me that I took something on, but I would remind myself next time that it's better for me not to do things for him.

I would also try not to pass judgement too much. He can have his views on your DD staying places or not etc, and you don't need to agree. So in this case I think I would have asked him if he were able to/willing to have your DD, and leave it at that if he said no. 'Ok, just thought I'd ask - no problem.' Give him as little opportunity as possible to have 'views' on what you do as well and how you do it - unless you must agree about your DD. So I would not have questioned his thinking - what good would come out of that?

Oligodendrocyte · 25/05/2022 12:14

YABU.
Appreciate it was impromptu, but checking timings etc was an afterthought and your error.

Giving him back the work comes across to me, as a FU because you're annoyed with him. Also depends how you spoke to him, for him to react how you did.

DDivaStar · 25/05/2022 12:17

I can see what he means it really shouldn't be such a drama to have a sleepover at grandparents.

Why do you keep doing stuff for him? just say no to lifts and work stuff in the future.

If you want him to have her more that needs to be addressed separately.

Original poster
merlinsway · 25/05/2022 12:18

I'm sorry but if you only see your child 8 nights out of the month and you are free and can have your child an extra night, would you not be happy about that rather than grumbling? Not pointing this at anyone in particular, just ranting but take on what you all say.

I just think his reaction is rude and immature. I was calm, he got all angry and hung up. It's just rude, no need.

OP posts:
sweeneytoddsrazor · 25/05/2022 12:18

I think you both are. He didn't say he wouldn't have her, and he is correct to think that you do need to be dealing with her homesickness. However maybe he phrased it clumsily, and you were unreasonable to say he would prefer her to be upset and she was an inconvenience for him.

Circumferences · 25/05/2022 12:19

He sounds like he only puts up with having his own DD rather than enjoys it. I'd be pissed off and would have said so.

Don't do any more favours for him.

catscatscatseverywhere · 25/05/2022 12:22

It is beyond my imagination now wanting to have your child over if you split with child's mum. If you guys were still together, he would see his child every day. Would he complain then? He's BU.

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 25/05/2022 12:22

I think you're unreasonable to be pissed off
at him for being angry when you calmly had a go at him about how he wanted to see his daughter distressed. He's entitled to be angry when someone goes down the emotional manipulation route.

Original poster
merlinsway · 25/05/2022 12:23

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 25/05/2022 12:22

I think you're unreasonable to be pissed off
at him for being angry when you calmly had a go at him about how he wanted to see his daughter distressed. He's entitled to be angry when someone goes down the emotional manipulation route.

In what way was I emotionally manipulating him? He had already agreed he would have her but was unhappy about it so I pointed that out. No manipulation at play.

OP posts:
Original poster
merlinsway · 25/05/2022 12:24

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 25/05/2022 12:22

I think you're unreasonable to be pissed off
at him for being angry when you calmly had a go at him about how he wanted to see his daughter distressed. He's entitled to be angry when someone goes down the emotional manipulation route.

And also he said that I need to get a handle on my daughter staying overnight. Why do I? All the times I've tried have been on my nights, he hasn't tried. If it's such a big deal to him why doesn't he try?

OP posts:
Brefugee · 25/05/2022 12:25

I'm sorry but if you only see your child 8 nights out of the month and you are free and can have your child an extra night, would you not be happy about that rather than grumbling? Not pointing this at anyone in particular, just ranting but take on what you all say.

I get that he might want to see your DD more but not at short notice and on your terms. If he wants to see her more he should discuss changing the arrangements with you.
You are basically expecting him to step up and help you so you can do a fun thing, which is fine, but don't play it as "you get to see your daughter more! how great for you!" he is doing you a favour. And he is correct in that your daughter needs to get used to sleeping other places or you are going to be stuck with spontaneous theatre trips in future.

As for doing work for him - you get paid? that is a whole other thing. But if you are going to tie them together it would be better for him to drop it.

SagaNorenLansrimMalmo · 25/05/2022 12:26

Grow up, the pair of you!

namechange30455 · 25/05/2022 12:27

"I said it sounds to me like it's an inconvenience to have your daughter and you would rather she was upset and crying and homesick at someone else's house when she could be with her dad and happy and content"

Ouch. I'm not surprised he hung up.

Ultimately you asked him to do you a favour and were passive aggressive and rude when he pointed out that it wasn't ideal.

If you have a kid that gets that upset at staying away from home then you either work on it or accept you can't easily have nights out without them. And you plan ahead better than suddenly realising there's a problem 2 days beforehand.

Original poster
merlinsway · 25/05/2022 12:27

Doing me a favour? A favour? By having his own daughter!?! Don't be so ridiculous! I'll still get to go to the theatre, I will just pick her up afterwards. Having his own daughter is not babysitting or a fucking favour!

OP posts:
Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 25/05/2022 12:30

You calmly told him


  • he thought his daughter was an inconvenience

  • he wanted to see her distressed

  • He didn't want to see her happy

what was the purpose of this statement other than to make him feel shitty about his reaction? I'd call that emotional manipulation. To get him to feel guilty about his emotions and be more compliant to your request- ie not just agree to it but also be happy about it.

fair enough respond and say that plan doesn't work for me but if you want to try go ahead.

EL8888 · 25/05/2022 12:31

He only has her 25% if the time?! He’s unreasonable (and lazy and a crap father). Zero favours for him going forward

Oligodendrocyte · 25/05/2022 12:32

I think if my ex cocked up his plans to go out, as he hadn't considered the impact on our child, despite it being his night, and then made incorrect assumptions about her being an inconvenience, accusing me of not caring that she would be upset with her Grandad, and then trying to guilt me by saying how she'd be happy and content with me, insinuating it is my fault - then I wouldn't want to be speaking with him either and would end the call too.

Discovereads · 25/05/2022 12:32

I think you were being unreasonable. Yes any parent would be happy to have their child an extra night, but it’s not unreasonable to expect to have sufficient notice or that it be for a genuine emergency if very short notice. It is Wednesday and you have tickets to a show tomorrow and yet you’ve waited until the day before to call and see if he can have your DD so you can attend a show.

Despite the 24hr short notice of you asking him to take her on one of your nights so you can go on a jolly, he did agree to take her.

He has every right to say you need to sort her staying at grandparents and such as you are the primary resident parent and he may not be in a position to bail you out in future. Your response about how he’d be happy to have her upset and so on was rude and passive aggressive. I completely understand why he disengaged and ended the conversation.

And yes it would be completely unreasonable to go back on a favour youd promised him. He’s doing you a favour so you can see this show. So don’t see how that would be justified at all.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 25/05/2022 12:32

If you react to him like you are on here its not surprising he hung up. He said he would have her, then he said you need to get a handle on her sleeping over places . He didn't say I would rather she was crying elsewhere than staying with me.

LaBellina · 25/05/2022 12:34

Can’t your dad stay at your house so DD can sleep in her own bed?
You and your ex need to take distance, this isn’t a healthy situation and I would be worried about the effect it potentially has on your child.

harriethoyle · 25/05/2022 12:36

If you were as aggressive to him as you are being on this thread I can see why he hung up.

He WAS doing you a favour because this wasn't one of his nights to have his DD and you wanted to change that routine to suit your social plans. YABU to suggest otherwise and you were BU to passive aggressively snipe at him, using your DD's distress as a tool, when he had already agreed to do that favour for you. If you want him to have his DD more often, work out a new schedule but I suspect current schedule suits you just fine and you would be horrified if he turned round and asked for 50/50.

Discovereads · 25/05/2022 12:36

merlinsway · 25/05/2022 12:24

And also he said that I need to get a handle on my daughter staying overnight. Why do I? All the times I've tried have been on my nights, he hasn't tried. If it's such a big deal to him why doesn't he try?

Show quote history

Maybe because he’s not going on jollies but staying home with his DD on his nights. You’re the one that needs childcare on some of your nights, so you need to sort it.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 25/05/2022 12:36

Oligodendrocyte · 25/05/2022 12:32

I think if my ex cocked up his plans to go out, as he hadn't considered the impact on our child, despite it being his night, and then made incorrect assumptions about her being an inconvenience, accusing me of not caring that she would be upset with her Grandad, and then trying to guilt me by saying how she'd be happy and content with me, insinuating it is my fault - then I wouldn't want to be speaking with him either and would end the call too.

Same here. You are being unreasonable and I say that as someone whose ex has their child 4 days out of a month.

SarahProblem · 25/05/2022 12:42

YABU. You're changing the arrangements to suit you and painting it as doing him a kindness.

You both need to support your daughter feeling comfortable being away from home.

As PP has said, grow the hell up.

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