Who is being unreasonable here?

[merlinsway]

Me and my ex share a DD (8). He has her every second weekend Friday to Monday and every second Wednesday from school finish till school start.

I got impromptu tickets to go and see a show on Thursday night. I have asked my dad to watch my DD and said I would pick her up after the show. She gets really, really, homesick and won't stay anywhere other than my house and her dads. She has tried many times.

I just realised if I pick her up after the show it will be after midnight and she has school the next day. So I phoned my ex and asked him, he sighed and said he was free but I really need to get a handle on her not staying places, I should just tell her she is staying at my dads and not care if she gets homesick she just has to deal with it. I said it sounds to me like it's an inconvenience to have your daughter and you would rather she was upset and crying and homesick at someone else's house when she could be with her dad and happy and content? He then said 'I don't have time for this, I can't be bothered with you' and just hung up.

I agreed to do something for him for his work, he has offered to pay me but to be honest I don't need the money and it's hanging over me when I have better things to be doing. I am just so wound up and am just going to pick my daughter up after the show and if she's tired for school oh well.

The favours I do for this man, I am always pleasant to him, he always asks for lifts here there and everywhere. Is always appreciative in the moment then turns round and speaks to me like that for dare bringing up the fact that it seems to be an inconvenience to have his daughter who he only has 8 nights out the month!

2 questions -

• was I unreasonable talking back to him and questioning his thought process?

• would I be unreasonable to drop his stuff for the work favour back to him today and tell him I'm not doing it or would that be unreasonable due to the fact I had agreed to do it?

I think he was quite polite and restrained in his response to you. I find your attitude appalling, and would have told you to get knotted.

This isn't really relevant which is why I didn't mention it but don't make assumptions
It is relevant. You reached an agreement yet he should be grateful that you allow him to have your child an extra night!

What if he wanted an extra day that didn't suit you at all? I bet that would be different.

If anyone expected ne to change my plans a day before so they could have fun and instead of being thankful, they were rude and made it out that I should be grateful, I'd tell them to get lost. You are very entitled.

It is though, when you are separated and it’s for you to have a last minute night out on your allocated time… it’s a favour! You are very entitled. Hope he tells you to shove it.

Funny how these drip feeds always appear when things aren't going the way the OP would like.

OP he said he would have her, you then took offence to a reasonable comment he made, you were needlessly rude, changed your mind so now your DD has to have a very late night and struggle at school the next day. Dont give him lifts anymore if you don't want to. As to the work thing it isn't a favour because he is paying you for it.

@lickenchugget I've told him to shove it actually 😁 he can miss out on extra time with his daughter.

Not anymore, dropped it at his door step.

OP, why ask if YABU if you’re not willing to take onboard that YABU?

Well perfect, because as you say, he doesn’t look your child properly anyway, so you reduced contact except when you want to go to the theatre, then it’s fine.

He should take dd without complaining because he is available and you have agreed to help him for work.

If he is worried about dd being unable to stay elsewhere that should be a separate conversation from a place of how to support dd to feel comfortable elsewhere for her own sake. (Personally I don't think it is a big deal, but it is a valid opinion/converation).

You would be very unreasonable to back out of agreement as already agreed. However I would not be going out of my way for him any time soon if he can't reciprocate willingly.

YABU.

You were the one who wanted to change arrangements and you are the one who isn't prepared to have your daughter try sleeping at her grandparents' house. He said he would have her, but you've now thrown your toys out of your pram and decided you'll collect your child at midnight on a school night and sod it if she's exhausted the next day. You're not putting your child first.

Also, your ex does have a valid point and yes, you were using emotional blackmail when you suggested he would rather his daughter was in distress than look after her. That is clearly not what he was suggesting at all.

You say 'Why can't ex try to get her used to sleeping elsewhere?' Well, I think the answer to that is pretty obvious: he hasn't needed to, because he hasn't been the one with last-minute childcare requirements. That's not really his fault. As you say, he has her eight nights a month, so he doesn't make arrangements for those nights because he knows he has his daughter those days. Of course he isn't the one who needs to get her used to staying elsewhere. If he sent her off to sleep somewhere else on one of his nights, you'd be kicking up a fuss about him farming her out to grandparents when he only has her eight nights a month.

*Doesn’t look after

Not anymore, dropped it at his door step.

Which just adds to the yabu not him

I share my dc 50/50 with my ex. But if I ever need him to have them on what is normally my day, I always consider it a favour.

I love my kids, but I make plans for the days they aren’t here and I would never expect my ex to have them outside of the normal schedule.

if you think he doesn’t see her enough, then you need to neogotiate more time with him. As hoc babysitting isn’t the answer. And in this case it is kind of babysitting.

You are being completely unreasonable

Also nothing wrong with homesickness. It won’t kill her for a night. And she gets to learn that sometimes we find things hard, miss home, and we need to learn to deal with those feelings

Your poor child.

Reading between the lines, it sounds like the relationship is quite one sided with your ex with you doing a lot of favours for him. Then you ask one thing and he decides to lecture you, so you bite back.

If he was a grown up, he'd say yes to taking her without a second thought or a lecture on your parenting, bearing in mind all you do and are doing for him. He doesn't see her often after all.

Pressed send instead of new paragraph! You are being spiteful and petty to both him and your daughter now though, so that's on you, and you should check your attitude.

So you're punishing him now for not responding in the way in which you felt was appropriate and in your opinion, not agreeing to joyfully (I'm sure he wasn't as rude as you've made him out to be, btw)?

Toxic as fuck, sorry.

Neither of you are angels but YABU and you're coming across as very defensive and immature both in your response to him and on this thread.

It WAS emotional manipulation to play the "well she's clearly an inconvenience to you" card when he mentioned a valid parenting concern that was about his daughter's best interests. It doesn't suggest anything good about your general approach to coparenting.

I think you're both being unreasonable in some respects. I agree with him that you should be able to leave her get used to sleeping in her grand dads place and get over the "homesickness" but obviously he shouldn't be huffing about having her an extra night when he's free either, they're both kind of separate issues though (and he wasn't saying he wouldn't have her so maybe you're being more unreasonable here and cutting off your nose to spite your face by dragging her out of bed at midnight just to prove some point)

I think this relationship sounds horrible for your daughter. You’re too quick to temper and he’s too willing to step back.

You'd probably get a better result if you asked if he'd like to look after her on the extra night and you are giving him first refusal over your Dad. If he says yes - great, if no, that's fine as your Dad has already said he can cover for you. I'm sure if you are politely offering first refusal and he knows you've other options it's no pressure and he's more likely to say yes

What Id normally do in this situation with my ex is ask for a swap. So you have her on one of his nights in exchange. I do that because my kids really prefer not to add extra nights with their dad though!

What Id do in your shoes is move to a “no favours “ basis. So you do no favours for him and don’t ask any of him. Everything is then cut and dried, and no one feels resentment or can”throw anything back in your face”/ “hold it over you” etc

Yabu

And it really really is time you cut the apron strings. You are doing yiu dc no favours.

What about brownie camp? Guides? School trips etc ?

Is your child to miss out on having fun because you can't parent.

Unless there is a massive drip feed where your child has asn then
Like I say yabu

I'd have a talk with him when you both have time and privacy and rework the arrangements for caring for your daughter. He has equal responsibility and isn't pulling his weight and you clearly resent it. This situation exists regardless of how good the relationship is between you two, and what favours either of you choose to do for the other.

IF he had been busy on Wednesday, given the short notice, it would have been reasonable for him to say no and either your daughter would go to your father's or elsewhere and have to "deal with it" or you would miss your show. But since her dad IS free, it makes the most sense that he take an "extra" evening with his daughter without complaining. If your daughter is able to stay with her father on Wednesdays and go to school the next day, obviously that's better for her on this one-off Thursday than going to your father's and having to go home after her bedtime, and therefore the obvious first choice? (Perhaps in hindsight you might have just asked if he was free to take her, and not mentioned that she could stay with her grandfather.)

IF your ex is worried about your daughter's distress over staying at your father's or anywhere besides with one of you, that may be a legitimate concern. The two of you should discuss it and figure out together if it may be something more serious than a typical childhood phase. If you think it is, you both have the responsibility to address it, but just forcing her to do what she dislikes/is afraid of isn't usually the best way in these cases. I'd talk to him before escalating/retaliating; I understand your overall resentment but there really seem to be separate issues here.

I think it depends whose decision it was for that to be the arrangement. My DB used to have his kids 50/50 until his ex moved house so he could no longer do school runs and reduced his overnights at weekends to make sure she could claim max maintenance. She's always asking him to have them more nights but won't make it official as she'll be able to claim less. I see his frustration that his say in things has been reduced without him really getting a say in anything.