Who is being unreasonable here?

[merlinsway]

Me and my ex share a DD (8). He has her every second weekend Friday to Monday and every second Wednesday from school finish till school start.

I got impromptu tickets to go and see a show on Thursday night. I have asked my dad to watch my DD and said I would pick her up after the show. She gets really, really, homesick and won't stay anywhere other than my house and her dads. She has tried many times.

I just realised if I pick her up after the show it will be after midnight and she has school the next day. So I phoned my ex and asked him, he sighed and said he was free but I really need to get a handle on her not staying places, I should just tell her she is staying at my dads and not care if she gets homesick she just has to deal with it. I said it sounds to me like it's an inconvenience to have your daughter and you would rather she was upset and crying and homesick at someone else's house when she could be with her dad and happy and content? He then said 'I don't have time for this, I can't be bothered with you' and just hung up.

I agreed to do something for him for his work, he has offered to pay me but to be honest I don't need the money and it's hanging over me when I have better things to be doing. I am just so wound up and am just going to pick my daughter up after the show and if she's tired for school oh well.

The favours I do for this man, I am always pleasant to him, he always asks for lifts here there and everywhere. Is always appreciative in the moment then turns round and speaks to me like that for dare bringing up the fact that it seems to be an inconvenience to have his daughter who he only has 8 nights out the month!

2 questions -

• was I unreasonable talking back to him and questioning his thought process?

• would I be unreasonable to drop his stuff for the work favour back to him today and tell him I'm not doing it or would that be unreasonable due to the fact I had agreed to do it?

Wow, given your responses here I’m not surprised he put the phone down

Every word of this. You’re taking the piss and as if you don’t realise how manipulative you were trying to be. You’re just annoyed it didn’t work.

With that attitude I'm surprised he speaks to you at all.

I didn't call it babysitting. But of course it's a favour. Just like it would be if he asked you to have DD on one of his nights so he could go to the theatre.

DP did me a favour last week by doing "my" usual school drop-off so I could go and get my hair cut. The child in question belongs to both of us. If I'd approached it with your attitude and spouted on about "it's not doing me a favour it's his own fucking kid!" I imagine I'd still be waiting to get my hair cut!

YANBU. She's only 8. You've tried getting her to stay overnight and it hasn't worked out so far - what does he expect you to do? My DS10 is up and down with homesickness staying elsewhere. I think it is partly due to already dealing with going back and forth between his Dad and I. I don't think people always get how much it takes out of them emotionally even if they are happy in both places.

I'd probably do the work favour (depending on how long it takes) as you've agreed to but cut it off at that and not agree to endless favours for him when he moans about one favour for you. Can you stay over at your Dad's after the show (in bed with your DD if that helps and promise you'll wake her when you're back)? That way she doesn't have to be taken home so late. I sometimes stay at my parents with DS and that helps a bit when he stays there without me as he's more used to it.

I am just so wound up and am just going to pick my daughter up after the show and if she's tired for school oh well.

You don’t seem to have your DDs best interests in mind here. He agreed to have her tomorrow night but you’re not going to take her after all because you’ve lost your temper with her dad. It’s really not ideal to purposely let your child suffer because you can’t be civil with your ex.

I also think you’re unreasonable, it’s you who needs child care so it’s you who needs to sort this, an eight year old should be able to stay at a grandparents, if they can’t then you need to work on the issue not try to avoid it so you don’t need to deal with it. He never said he wouldn’t have her.

i don’t understand why you posted if you just want people to tell you you’re not being unreasonable.

And please don’t make your child the victim in this because you have had a hissy fit.

Also, agree it's not exactly a favour to have his own child when you do by far the majority of childcare - I termed it that in the loosest possible sense - the favour is agreeing the swap I guess. My ex has had DS for up to a week at a time when i've been away with work (average once per year) including juggling his self employed work and I've thanked him but he always looks a bit confused and says it's no problem, he is his son and of course he wants to have him.

It does sound like you overreacted and threw all your toys out of the pram.

On your terms though isn't it... anyway I think you were out of order to arrange to do something then think oh hang on my child!

I don't think you should cancel whatever it is you offered to do but don't do anything else after that, you're too intermeshed.

As for DD, it might be worth working on the sleeping over, she will want sleepovers soon and school residential trips. Could you start by sleeping over at the grandparents with her?

Stop doing him any favours, especially as they aren’t related to dd.

He has a cheek telling you sort dd’s anxiety out when you are the RP.

It is a favour if it's on your contact time though. Unless you were dead etc. But no, you want a fun night at the theatre, that's not essential, so it's a favour.

And if it was really going to have a big enough impact on your daughter that you were asking him for help then it would be a big enough impact for you not to go to the theatre and cancel.

Then your opinion is surely irrelevant if you can’t back it up?

I don't see why your child has never stayed overnight at a grandparent's house. Our grandchildren stay with us on a regular basis when necessary. We also stayed at our grandparents house overnight as children. I thought that was very normal. Our children sometimes stayed with close friends too.

If you ex is only seeing his children 8 nights a month he probably hasn't needed to send them elsewhere overnight, so that's not really a fair argument.

I think YABU.

OP you really should find a way for your dd to get used to being away from home overnight. She's coming to an age where school residential, brownie camps and sleepovers with friends are looming. Please begin to provide your dd with the skills she needs not only to manage a night away from her parents, but to enjoy herself whilst doing so.

As for doing favours for your ex. Complete the ones you have agreed to, then no more. You know where you stand with him. Of course that means that you can't ask him for any more either...

Surely you're not ignorant enough to suggest that just because something is normal means that it applies to everyone?

I don't think you were wrong, at all. It made sense and you were just asking what he thought? I wouldn't do anymore favours for him, drop his work stuff back to him. Tell him favours work both ways.

OP in a way I agree with you, he does sound unreasonable although he probably finds it frustrating that at 8 your DD is very limited on where she will stay. However, like you pointed out, he can always try and sort that on the days he has her, although he will argue he doesn't have her much and wants to be with her when he does.

But.....you do come across as defensive and aggressive to be honest, and if you spoke to your Ex how you have responded to some folk on here then I'm not really surprised he hung up on you.

You’re a real charmer aren’t you op?

Isn't she just. I'm out.

OP didn't you post the other day about your 8 year old son?

And your point?

@knittingaddict oh good, yes your comment was very ignorant.