Who is being unreasonable here?

[merlinsway]

Me and my ex share a DD (8). He has her every second weekend Friday to Monday and every second Wednesday from school finish till school start.

I got impromptu tickets to go and see a show on Thursday night. I have asked my dad to watch my DD and said I would pick her up after the show. She gets really, really, homesick and won't stay anywhere other than my house and her dads. She has tried many times.

I just realised if I pick her up after the show it will be after midnight and she has school the next day. So I phoned my ex and asked him, he sighed and said he was free but I really need to get a handle on her not staying places, I should just tell her she is staying at my dads and not care if she gets homesick she just has to deal with it. I said it sounds to me like it's an inconvenience to have your daughter and you would rather she was upset and crying and homesick at someone else's house when she could be with her dad and happy and content? He then said 'I don't have time for this, I can't be bothered with you' and just hung up.

I agreed to do something for him for his work, he has offered to pay me but to be honest I don't need the money and it's hanging over me when I have better things to be doing. I am just so wound up and am just going to pick my daughter up after the show and if she's tired for school oh well.

The favours I do for this man, I am always pleasant to him, he always asks for lifts here there and everywhere. Is always appreciative in the moment then turns round and speaks to me like that for dare bringing up the fact that it seems to be an inconvenience to have his daughter who he only has 8 nights out the month!

2 questions -

• was I unreasonable talking back to him and questioning his thought process?

• would I be unreasonable to drop his stuff for the work favour back to him today and tell him I'm not doing it or would that be unreasonable due to the fact I had agreed to do it?

Refusing to do the work after you agreed is only going to make your relationship with him worse. Understand how you feel though. Maybe do this job and refuse to help him out going forward. Give less of yourself in future and you won't feel like shit when he treats you like this... I'd focus my energy going forwards on building up your DD's resilience and ability to sleep away at relatives which will make your life easier as you won't have to rely on exH.

To add op, clearly some people here are making you feel like the bad guy for having fair expectations towards your ex and his part to play in childcare. Don't bite. Don't rise to it. You ARE NOT being unreasonable here! He clearly is less than an average father in more than one way and you know it. Focus on changing what you can because he isn't going to pick up the slack and he certainly won't change. Agree with you, having his DD over isn't doing you a favour. And yes he should want her to be happy not distressed; you pointing it out isn't emotional blackmail but striving for him to be his best for your DD. And absolutely fucking no, it's not SOLELY up to you resolve the sleepover issue but he isn't going to do it, is he ?!

I've told him to shove it actually 😁 he can miss out on extra time with his daughter.

And your daughter can just live with being knackered the next day. Nice.

Why don’t you stay at your dad’s too, then if she’s worried in the night, you’ll be there.

[prepares for the lame excuse not to do this]

"He then said 'I don't have time for this, I can't be bothered with you' and just hung up"

There is no way I would be doing any favours for someone who spoke to me like this. And do remember his inflexibility next time he wants help with something, Id be using those words right back at him.

I think YABU and even more so after reading each of your replies. I don't think you were really looking to hear anyone elses opinion on this thread. You come across aggressive and argumentative.

How did it not even cross your mind that you'd be picking up your daughter late at night? Sounds like she was an afterthought tbh.

You basically cocked up what would've been an easy situation to sort had it not been left until last minute, and then became aggressive with your ex for pointing this out. It probs didn't help either that you haven't made any effort to help your daughter overcome this fear of staying elsewhere.

No wonder the guy got annoyed. And now you're going to take it out on your daughter. At least you get to enjoy your show!

Surely, even if your 8yo is anxious about being with her dgf, she will be asleep by midnight? It is not at all appropriate to keep an 8yo up until midnight on a school night, so if that is your only option I do not think you should be going to the gig. But surely your dad could just sit with her until she falls asleep or something?

Op, this is the second post where you refused to believe YWBU, got offended because someone didn't speak to you in the exact way you wanted and were sarcastic/arsey to other posters. Maybe AIBU isn't for you?

Also punishing her daughter. It was so important for her to stay with her Dad and now because OP is angry at him she's prepared to put her DD through all those things she accused her Ex of not caring about.

Agree with this. It does sound like you were being emotionally manipulative and that triggered the response you then got. He isn't wrong that at her age she should be able to cope with overnights elsewhere. He didn't say he wouldn't have her.

Yes sorry OP but your more recent response gives some insight into how you are to deal with and perhaps explains your ex's reaction even more.

OP I would 100% jump at the chance of extra time with my DC, but then I wouldn't have accepted you reducing contact like. Giving you the benefit of the doubt, is it possible your passive-agressive emotional response to his Luke warm yes to looking after DD is due to ongoing anger and frustration at the fact he wouldn't step up and properly share the parenting. I can understand that frustration very well, though I'm also realistic and I know that it's not something STBXH will ever be willing to do. He also doesn't understand our DC anxiety and SEN. But your reaction was way over the top and the one person pissing off your Ex really harmed was your DD, not him. If this is an ongoing issue you need to get help to sort it, that bitterness does you no good and could do you and your DD considerable harm.