To think this school mum is off?

[propernot]

DS starts reception in Sept. Via a Facebook group I am on I was invited to join a whatsapp group for parents when children starting that school in September.
The mum 'X' who started the group already has 2 children at the school and her third is starting in reception. To my knowledge, she chose to start the group of her free will, presumably because she wanted to, and wasn't forced to do so.

The title of the group is 'school name intake 2022'. But its becoming really obvious that X actually only wanted this to be for school mums. When people said 'can I add my husband/partner' they were told 'not yet due to security reasons', and after a couple of weeks she finally relented and let dads join. X has a notes document which she updates and shares on a regality basis as new people join the group, which has the names of the children and their mum next to them. X says she is too busy to put the dads name on the document as well.

Dads are getting arsey now making passive aggressive comments about 'the March to parental equality' and some are raising that they are SAHD who do all the drop off and pick ups, so if there can only be one named parent on this group then it should be them...

AIBU to say that X is going around this wrong and feel sorry for the dads who are basically being sidelined? And to say that if X is finding the group too onerous to run she can stop?

I too am passionate about equality. But all inequality is not equal.
I've noticed a number of threads recently that have either been overtly highlighting some form of unequal treatment of men, or have been used as a vehicle to push the message that men are disadvantaged. While I'm not saying men never experience some form of unequal treatment, whenever they do it seems to get a disproportionate amount of attention. The sort of exclusion spoken of here happens to women constantly in different spheres of life. Men are unlucky to experience it even on occasion. Yet before we know if we're at a point where the narrative is both women and men experience inequality' which takes no account of the fact that the respective scale and impact of it on each are chasms apart.

It seems that you can’t have it both ways - one minute a woman is saying her DP doesn’t do enough for the children, the next a woman is saying someone’s DP can’t have the information (eg through WhatsApp) to know something needs doing!

But it's the small scale stuff that builds and facilitates the large scale stuff @5128gap

This WhatsApp group issue is entirely unnecessary. It's pointless, it's stupid and it's exclusionary.
Just as we wouldn't allow children to exclude others on the playground, we shouldn't be finding excuses for parents to exclude each other, based on their sex.

It's so simple, we really shouldn't be arguing about it.

My late husband was a hands on, fully involved parent, and had our kids been in this year group, I'd have absolutely fought for all parents to be part of the group if they chose. So I don't understand the people on this thread who think it's fine for the fathers to be second class parents.

AIBU to say that X is going around this wrong and feel sorry for the dads who are basically being sidelined? And to say that if X is finding the group too onerous to run she can stop?

YABU.
This isn't even a storm in a teacup, it is so insignificant you will look batshit if you jump in with suggestions, corrections, or side-taking.

I would leave this group - who need the aggro & partisanship? -
& either start one of my own, ONLY adding people to it who seem like they won't act like prima donnas - OR get one of the dads to start one, & join that.

Yep, totally my experience as well. I have never had an issue with another school parent and equally have never heard of any parent I know have an issue with any of the parents. We all chat politely if we ever meet at school gates/parties and then go home. No issues.

The WhatsApp group is just about reminders of what's happening in the school and like you said, any last minute questions by disorganised parents like me.

Horses for courses. Personally I'd find it deeply unattractive if my husband expected me to pick up all the school admin simply because I'm a woman rather than challenging his right to have the same access to information I do.

Personally I'd find it deeply unattractive if my husband expected me to pick up all the school admin simply because I'm a woman rather than challenging his right to have the same access to information I do.

Likewise.

men joining mum WhatsApp groups? Hmmm….

No. Fathers joining parent WhatsApp groups.

@ancientgran Who said it needs to be helpful? It’s just a random group that is not officially affiliated with the school…anyone can make a group

I agree, it's pathetic.

"Personally I'd find it deeply unattractive if my husband expected me to pick up all the school admin simply because I'm a woman rather than challenging his right to have the same access to information I do".

I assume you both have access to information via the school, why the need for the group at all? The school emails go to me and DH.

@Nahnanananahna challenging his right? He has zero rights to be a part of a random WhatsApp chat. If it was an official chat admined by the school, I’d say I agree with you. But this is just a mum at school! She can do what she wants with the group she created. Your husband would look like a dick.

Agreed if it's a private group he can't force his way in. He could however complain to the school about the use of the name (which implies it's official) and set up a rival group to recruit everyone to. Doing those things wouldn't actually help anyone though so seems more sensible to (politely) challenge the premise for excluding dads for all the reasons listed here.

The ranting would be reserved for me, in the same way my ranting on similar things is also mainly reserved for him.

Personally I'd find it deeply unattractive if my husband expected me to pick up all the school admin simply because I'm a woman rather than challenging his right to have the same access to information I do
If all your school admin is coming through this random mum's WhatsApp group, you need to challenge the school and make them explain why they've put her in sole charge of communications.

We have a parents what's app group - but it's just for the class! I can't imagine having one for the entire year! My phone would never stop.

One you get class allocations set up a group for the parents of the same class, and then leave the other one!

@saraclara it is a moms WhatsApp- x set it up off her own back and wanted it for moms only mad now is getting shit from people. So I do think one of the dads should just set up a parents group and let X do what she wants with her group. If she was part of the PA or in some official capacity fair enough.

There’s 2 2 dad families in my son’s class!

Thanks for views. It seems to have divided people.

I think one aspect of what bugs me is, if she wants it as a mums group, at least come out and say that. Call it 'school mums' or something. Don't just passively aggressively make it difficult for men to join in but not have the balls to actually say what it seems she feels.

Mountain out of a mole hill. The parent that deals with most school admin stuff should be in the group. In my house that's me, in my neighbours house it's the dad so he's in the group for his sons class. Today we've have two queries come up and my dh wouldn't know anything about them, in my neighbours house the wife wouldn't know anything about it!

Most likely the dads kicking up a stink over it will be bored of it within a week and not care that Jessica came home without a jumper. Unless they're actually going to action anything (like check their own kids bag) or help another parent they don't need to be in the group.

I would be leaving a school WhatsApp group that specifically stated dads couldn't join.
There are a few dads on ours and they're all active contributors.

That's really cringey. No wonder the dads are getting fed up

What if there is no mum? Does that child just cease to exist?

She sounds like an idiot. At least you know before September!

I would update the document for her and pretend that I was being helpful. I don’t know synthetic about WhatsApp but can others add people?

My xh was a sahd for a bit and got treated like he was invisible in the playground.

*anything not synthetic 😂