To think this school mum is off?

[propernot]

DS starts reception in Sept. Via a Facebook group I am on I was invited to join a whatsapp group for parents when children starting that school in September.
The mum 'X' who started the group already has 2 children at the school and her third is starting in reception. To my knowledge, she chose to start the group of her free will, presumably because she wanted to, and wasn't forced to do so.

The title of the group is 'school name intake 2022'. But its becoming really obvious that X actually only wanted this to be for school mums. When people said 'can I add my husband/partner' they were told 'not yet due to security reasons', and after a couple of weeks she finally relented and let dads join. X has a notes document which she updates and shares on a regality basis as new people join the group, which has the names of the children and their mum next to them. X says she is too busy to put the dads name on the document as well.

Dads are getting arsey now making passive aggressive comments about 'the March to parental equality' and some are raising that they are SAHD who do all the drop off and pick ups, so if there can only be one named parent on this group then it should be them...

AIBU to say that X is going around this wrong and feel sorry for the dads who are basically being sidelined? And to say that if X is finding the group too onerous to run she can stop?

I have been on several school whatsapp groups for two schools and there has never been any drama. No one cares which parent joins on behalf of the child. I don't know why Mumsnetters have all this drama with school parents. All the ones I have ever met were normal and polite and drama-free.

No don't excuse this nonsense. Our whatsapp group has both, because both are parents. In fact some dads do all the drop offs and pick ups too. Quite horrible of her to exclude the dad's.

Totally agree with this. All you generally have in common with people at the school gate is that you gave birth in the same year.
I’m so glad these groups weren’t a thing when my kids were at that stage.

This topic has actually just been covered in a recent sitcom. The reason for the 'mum only' rule turned out to be that the admin subconsciously wanted to fuck the dads and that's why she left them off. They sorted it to include everyone and the dads were added.. however she did then fuck some dads as a result!

So the dad can't accept play dates, or know to look out for the jumper?

FFS, as women we wouldn't accept any of these excuses for keeping information from us or not giving us agency because of our sex. Why are people trying to find feeble excuses for sexist and exclusionary behaviour in this case?

Another one excusing this nonsense. My dh cares very much about what's happening with my dc. Its not all about lost jumpers, there's important updates and reminders for everyone in case we missed emails from school.

Well, if you're routinely missing updates from school that everyone else isn't, maybe you both need to up your game and not rely on a WhatsApp message to do it for you?

Or maybe men should be equal involved parents because they are autonomous adults, rather than sitting around waiting for women to provide them with the tools? Do you think they go into work and sit there passively waiting for someone to facilitate them doing their jobs? Allow themselves to be missed off communications and kept out of the loop, or take action themselves to make sure they're in the know? Yet somehow they can't break through the wall of women preventing them from being involved fathers. Sorry, I don't buy it for a moment.
They should be in the group undoubtedly, but this sort of thing is not the reason their contribution is unequal.

It really is no wonder that mumsnet has such a terrible reputation for being a man hating site.

To defend WhatsApp groups- ours is pretty quiet, literally only posts about own clothes days, the odd bday party and dates from the school are mentioned- messages are short and concise. I feel very lucky!

What has that got to do with anything? Presumably when you started school the only thing you had in common with your classmates was that you were born in the same school year. Did that stop you somehow making friends with them?

Can you only make friends with people you have no common link with? That must make things incredibly hard, where did you find your friends?

Nobody hates men, give over.

Or maybe men should be equal involved parents because they are autonomous adults, rather than sitting around waiting for women to provide them with the tools

They're not "sitting around waiting for women to provide them with the tools". But a tool information library has been created which they are not allowed to access. That's discrimination, and as a pp said, it disadvantages women too, as it means they have to be responsible for passing the information on to the dad (who is actually the one being the kids ready in the morning)

Such drama. I wouldn't have joined in the first place but I'm struggling to see how people who did are still part of it.

What information would the Dad who gets the kids ready in the morning need from a WhatsApp group that he can't get from any other source? How is he disadvantaged in the mornings by non access?
Not agreeing that he should be barred, there's no reason he shouldn't be allowed to join if he wants to, but claiming this is a "tool information library" without which his day is made correspondingly harder is a bit silly!

I'd have no part in any of this. First of all why would you need a whole year WhatsApp group? Secondly the mum who's set it up is clearly a do-gooder who thinks she's very important and I wouldn't be fuelling her ego and finally, grown men being upset they're not on the group and getting arsey. How embarrassing for everyone concerned.

I was part of one and everyone was lovely and there was a dad. I quite miss not knowing what’s going on there now mine are no longer there.

Why on earth is she making it so complicated? Just add anyone who wants to be added. I find ours v useful, mainly for event day reminders and sharing info. I'm in 2, and neither have been bitchy or cliquey - they're just polite and useful.

Well presumably the mothers on it get helpful information and reminders from it. So if its helpful to them, then it would also be helpful to a hands on dad.

If parent WhatsApp groups are not helpful, then why do they exist? If they are helpful, then they're helpful whether you're a mother or a father. And excluding one of those parties from having that help is discriminatory.

There are actually some good benefits.
My y5 child is on the spectrum and would not want to stand out when not needed and the fear of being different is there - they like to know when there are costume days or pyjama days what the other kids are wearing and if somoene talked about costumes and so on, so asking me about the group reassures them that they won't be the only one in pyjamas

we have a good mix of mums and dads in our groups, dads being also class reps in the school and it;s not just for spellings and lost jumpers but we have a good support network for example taking kids to school when a parent was isolating

Same. Our school WhatsApp groups are friendly and useful. Maybe we're all scatterbrained or the school is crap or whatever, but it's also a hell of a lot quicker to ask the WhatsApp group if it's non uniform day, than try to get hold of someone at the school. It was also really helpful during homeschooling when people were confused about some of the lessons and teachers were even harder to get in contact with.

These monsters at the school gates are something I only ever here about on here or see on tv.

You said 'if you want men to be equal parents you should..' which, assuming by 'you', you mean women, places the responsibility on women for men being equal parents.
Given that men have somehow managed to achieve far more than equality in every other sphere of life, I'm not sure why they can't do so in parenting if they wish. The truth is, until comparatively recently few of them had any desire to be involved in this sort of domestic detail, and with some exceptions, I'd be very surprised if the majority did now.
The whole thing is beyond trivial, would have no significant impact on their parenting ability, and is just being blown up to support the idea that men are disadvantaged too you know, and its not their fault they can't be equal parents with all these man hating women leaving them out all the time. It's just so weak.
And I don't hate men at all. I just find this unecessarily protective attitude to them and their rights a bit cloying and tiresome.

What 51328gap said.

Frankly, if my dh was pouting that "his role as a parent had been minimised" because he wasn't included in some random biddy's WhatsApp group, I'd find it deeply, deeply, unattractive.
But that's just me.

I'm not being protective of men at all @5128gap But I am fiercely against discrimination and exclusion in any of its forms. Whether against women or men, against people of other nationalities or races, whether it affects the mentally or physically disabled, those of whatever sexual orientation.or any other group.

It's been the focus of my life's paid work, and now of my volunteer work in retirement.
This is just one entirely unnecessary example of the exclusion of a group. In this case it's fathers, and I'll stand up for them just as I've spent my life advocating for women, for the disabled, and for refugees.

Equity of rights and access is vastly important to me, and I resent only belong pulled up on it on MN when I have the efrrontery to point out when men being disadvantaged.