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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I shouldn't need to consult DH before making a GP appointment?

79 replies

Themidnightpig · 25/05/2022 08:40

Just looking for opinions really.

I asked on here a week or so ago about my 9 month olds leg dragging when she crawls. I got lots of comments that it was normal but also a couple that it could be a sign of hip problems etc so it would be wise to have it checked. So I have made a GP appointment for next month.

Anyway my husband is pretty cross about this. He thinks she is absolutely fine and doesn't need to be dragged off to the doctors and we basically ended up in a bit of a row where I said it's no big deal and I think I should be able to take her to a GP without needing to run it by him.

But AIBU? Should doctors appointments be discussed by both parents?

OP posts:
PandaOrLion · 25/05/2022 08:42

I think it depends on your marriage - we would discuss it but I know other people don’t.

It might be worth finding out what his concern is ie That he missed something with DC, That it’s time wasting, That he feels left out etc.

dementedpixie · 25/05/2022 08:43

I dont see any issues in getting it checked out.
You've obviously told him about the appointment so you arent keeping it secret from him

Chamomileteaplease · 25/05/2022 08:45

I think it is fair enough to talk about it with him first but I certainly wouldn't let him stop me going if we had different opinions about whether it was necessary.

Merryclaire · 25/05/2022 08:46

You should discuss and agree something like this, but I think it would be wrong for him to stop you taking your child when you have concerns.

Discovereads · 25/05/2022 08:46

We always discussed and agreed on healthcare for our DC before making appointments. As parents we are jointly responsible and so the decision should also be a joint one. When there’s disagreement, we usually work out a compromise. In the case of your 9mo old crawling style for example, he might have preferred to raise it with your health visitor before going to a GP.

Itloggedmeoutagain · 25/05/2022 08:50

How would you feel if it was the other way round?

breatheintheamazing · 25/05/2022 08:51

Well yes you are both parents and I would have discussed it first - I wouldn't have asked for permission but I'd have said I'd be happier showing the doctor to put my mind at rest

NerrSnerr · 25/05/2022 08:54

We do usually discuss these things but if I was on maternity leave or a day off work and I felt my child needed a GP appointment and husband was at work I'd crack on with it and tell him when he gets home.

Occasionally we've not agreed if a child needs a doctor (usually at 2am when we're wondering if we need to call OOH) and we always go with the parent that thinks they need a doctor. Better to be safe and all that.

BobLep0nge · 25/05/2022 08:54

How would you feel if it was the other way round?

Surely most normal parents would feel happy that their child is going to be properly looked over by a professional?

I cannot understand why anyone would have a problem with it.

Lou98 · 25/05/2022 08:55

Should doctors appointments be discussed by both parents?

I think they should personally. When it comes to the health of children both parents should be involved in that and get a say.

However, if one parent is concerned about something that the other isn't then I do think there's no harm in making an appointment but it should be discussed with the other parent too

hangrylady · 25/05/2022 08:55

I'd have informed him, not discussed it with him personally. It's a GP appointment not an operation FFS, it wouldn't have entered my head to ask my DH, YANBU.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 25/05/2022 08:57

In our house either of us would say to the other "I've noticed X about the dc, so I'm going to book a doctors appointment" and the other one would just say ok/let me know if you want me to book it etc.

We wouldn't take issue with each other for wanting a second opinion (from an expert!) on something to do with our child

Berthatydfil · 25/05/2022 08:57

Is he a paediatric /orthopaedic consultant ? If so I would consider what he has to say about your dcs leg.
if not then no

ComDummings · 25/05/2022 08:58

If one parent has a concern they should discuss it obviously, but it’s more a courtesy than for permission. I find it weird, if my husband had worries about our children and booked a doctors appointment without checking with me I would be happy they’ve saved me a job to be honest, can’t imagine getting annoyed

ComDummings · 25/05/2022 08:59

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 25/05/2022 08:57

In our house either of us would say to the other "I've noticed X about the dc, so I'm going to book a doctors appointment" and the other one would just say ok/let me know if you want me to book it etc.

We wouldn't take issue with each other for wanting a second opinion (from an expert!) on something to do with our child

This is what I think is normal ^

Despinetta · 25/05/2022 09:00

We'd probably discuss it but the views of the more cautious person would prevail (after all, the worst that can happen is that the doctor says everything is fine).

If it wasn't convenient to discuss it, I'd just go ahead. You shouldn't need permission.

Badqueen · 25/05/2022 09:00

What difference does it make to him? If you're worried it's right to get it checked. It might be nothing. But it might not be. So better to get it looked at.

IdisagreeMrHochhauser · 25/05/2022 09:01

I still have a scar on my chin from where I fell over getting out of the bath as a toddler and was bleeding profusely and my Dad told my Mum not to take me to see a health professional. She apparently wanted to take me to get it stitched and he said not to bother.

If you're worried I would go with your instinct.

TruJay · 25/05/2022 09:07

I’d discuss it with dh as a ‘oh I think dc is dragging her leg and want to get it checked out so am going to book her in’ kind of way but not in a permission from dh way.

Totally agree with you getting it checked op, my sister had ‘clickly hip’ as a baby and didn’t walk until almost two, health visitor and doctors noted it at the time but nothing was ever done. Now she is diagnosed with double hip dysplasia, has had several surgeries and steroid injections and some days can barely walk! She needs a confirmed hip replacement on one side but NHS will not fund it until she hits a certain age.

If the health visitor and doctors had just potted her up in infancy she would be absolutely fine but instead she lives in pain daily.
Sorry to go off on a tangent but even if your dc is fine op (I very much hope they are) then at least you have checked and can catch any potential issues. It doesn’t matter who booked the bloody appointment.

lovingtheheat · 25/05/2022 09:07

I'd discuss it but neither my husband or I would be deterred from making or attending an appointment because the other thought it unnecessary. Better safe than sorry.

Ducksurprise · 25/05/2022 09:09

If I thought my child needed to see a doctor I'd book an appointment and tell my dh. I'd expect him to do the same. I certainly wouldn't ask if I could take them.
It's hardly dragging them to the doctors, it's a quick visit and either you will get reassurance or they will spot an issue, I can't see how either outcome is unwanted.

Arenanewbie · 25/05/2022 09:09

I would discuss it with my DH but more for advice and different perspective (I prefer thinking by talking through, it works better for me) and also because I might need his help (I don’t drive). Some appointments I would just do and then inform him. He wouldn’t argue if he thinks it’s nothing he would just say “it’s a waste of time” and then “see, I’ve told you” but not too much and he would drive us anyway.
I can’t comment on your particular issue but if you have a worry it’s better to ask HP. If you are at home it makes practical sense for you to make an appointment. Not a big deal imo.

pointythings · 25/05/2022 09:09

You noticed an issue, you made an appointment, you informed him. That's enough. Why would he want an opportunity to tell you not to take your DC to the GP, unless there was a massive back story of health anxiety on your part?

toastfiend · 25/05/2022 09:12

DH and I would always discuss health care appointments for our DS with each other (where practical) but not to ask permission, just to tell the other parent that's what we are doing so that they are kept informed. Even if we do disagree on the necessity of them then we always go with the parent who wants to make the appointment anyway - there's no chance of harm to DS by getting him checked out.

Snapplepie · 25/05/2022 09:15

My DS has hip dysplasia and it is often missed until babies become more mobile when it can look like a dragging leg/ shorter leg etc. It can be quite subtle and is often spotted by a parent when missed by professionals. Its one of those things that is much easier to treat the sooner its found. Hopefully you'll go and it will all be fine but either way you are doing your best for your LO by getting someone to have a look.

Your husbands reaction is a bit odd. Is this part of a wider pattern of behaviour? If not it may come from worry that something might be wrong. Sometimes our first (irrational) instinct is to ignore a problem and hope it goes away.

I would expect a conversation with my husband before we booked a GP appointment for DS but we have an agreement that neither of us can veto a medical appointment if the other one feels its necessary. Admittedly this is an odd agreement to have but we both work in heath care and its important that we don't fall into the trap of treating our own child.