To think I shouldn't need to consult DH before making a GP appointment?

[Themidnightpig]

Just looking for opinions really.

I asked on here a week or so ago about my 9 month olds leg dragging when she crawls. I got lots of comments that it was normal but also a couple that it could be a sign of hip problems etc so it would be wise to have it checked. So I have made a GP appointment for next month.

Anyway my husband is pretty cross about this. He thinks she is absolutely fine and doesn't need to be dragged off to the doctors and we basically ended up in a bit of a row where I said it's no big deal and I think I should be able to take her to a GP without needing to run it by him.

But AIBU? Should doctors appointments be discussed by both parents?

I wouldn't mind at all! But it wouldn't happen as he is an avid avoider of going to the GP/hospital. His leg could be hanging off and he would say he is fine.

His argument is that he doesnt want me marching her off to the doctors for every tiny thing. I think this is stupid because a) she is already 9 months and this is the first doctors appointment I've made and b) I want her to know that if she has a medical concern she shouldn't be ashamed to go the doctor.

We generally talk about these things but if one is worried and the other isn’t then we’d always go with getting checked out

In our house it would either be a discussion beforehand where we agree to arrange a visit or I’d make an appointment first and then let my husband know.
You are concerned and that’s good enough reason to see a GP, how weird of your husband to object.

We usually discuss it, but dh would never stop me from something that concerned me. We are of the thought, to get it checked out rather than not. Your dh is behaving ridiculously here.

Some people shut down at the idea of illness/injury and would prefer to pretend it’s all fine rather than face the possibility of it being confirmed and associated feelings of guilt and self-blame. Which, when it concerns potential illness in their children, and results in those children missing out on necessary care, is obviously a form of neglect.

Agree with others that in our house it would be mentioned but not in a sense of seeking permission.

However, as a more general thing, I would say in the absence of any obsessive issues e.g. dragging DC to Dr's for every tiny thing on an almost daily basis, I feel that the person with the concern should probably get the deciding opinion over the person who's saying 'nah it'll be fine'. Neither parent knows if it will be fine, they're not experts and at that point both are operating from a sort of equal point of ignorance, but the one seeking advice is looking to learn more from somebody who is an expert. It's fact finding at this point. When it comes to actual interventions e.g. corrective treatments or surgery, that's different as there are always pros and cons, there is skin in the game, but at this point OP's DH has no rational reason to say no, so it would make me question what is driving his stance..... likely his own fear, or aversion to Drs generally, or not wanting the hassle. All of those reasons are completely self-serving and none of those are good enough to potentiality ignore something that might be an issue for the child (ditto for his indignation at not having been consulted first....).

This all seems a bit ridiculous to me. You’re worried, so you made an appointment. You’ve told him in advance of said appointment. It’s not like you’ve had her in for three rounds of experimental treatment and not told him. If you’re worried, you have every right to act on it.

If only one parent is concerned then that's enough to book an appointment. I assume you are in the UK and have free health care. What is to be gained by not raising this as a concern?

Likewise in an emergency situation if one parent is worried, that's enough to warrant going to hospital/calling an ambulance etc.

In my case DS had multiple allergies which were all identified when he was a baby. This resulted in a number of medical appointments. I cant say I ever asked DPs permission but like you would just keep him up to date with what happened.
In my case I have some more experience then him in medical issues so he just automatically defaults to what i think is necessary.

As far am I'm concerned of the child need to see a doctor and a parent books it I cant see the issue.

Hope this isnt a drip feed but I am a worrier when it comes to DD. I've got no prior experience with babies so I often find myself wondering if something is normal but can usually satisfy myself with a quick google or asking my mum (or mumsnet).

He seems to have escalated this in his head that if he goes along with this appointment, next week there will be another one for something else and she will be forever in the doctors surgery just to ease my worries. If it was the 100th appointment I'd see his point, but it is the very first!!

He is also very offended that I dont trust his opinion that she is fine. I trust him on lots of things but medical things, no!

This
We always go with the person who wants to contact the doctor.

Same.

OP what is your husband’s actual concern about seeing a doctor?

Is he the same with his own health?

I would have just made an appointment and mentioned it to husband. Never an issue here !

I wouldn't discuss it with H first. I'd book it and tell him after. If I'm worried then DS would be take to see a Dr.

Sorry just saw your reply that he is avoidant as well for himself.

I would go with your gut - I do truly believe in maternal instinct and if they say she is totally fine, surely that is not a bad outcome?

I couldn’t be doing this his ego / offended face that you just didn’t listen to him just because it is him. Unless he is sort of subject matter expert in the area, I would prefer to cross check with someone with more knowledge and/or experience.

And that argument goes two ways - are you offended that he doesn’t trust your judgement? Has he considered that?

I would discuss it with my partner, but if I thought she needed to be seen and parter didn't then he wouldn't think twice about me taking her anyway.
If only for my own peace of mind.

I honestly don't think he does trust my judgement, no. He has a lot of confidence in his own opinions and ways of doing things. I dont want this to become a relationship thread, but I do often end up feeling that the role of 'mum' is whisked away from me a bit because he likes things to be done in a certain way and it doesnt leave much room for me to make decisions. I mostly just get on with it because he does an awful lot (I've a few friends that are very jealous of how much he does around the house) and is very hands on with DD and she adores him.

Your DH is being quite weird about this. If you were taking her to the doctor every week for one thing or another, that would be different - but you're clearly not doing that, so what the hell is his problem?!

I think most new mums constantly think 'Is that normal?' with regard to their babies, and if this is your daughter's first doctor's appointment in nine months, you're clearly not taking your worries to extremes. It doesn't sound like your worrying is on a more extreme scale than the worries of most other new parents, and it sounds like you have a reasonable justification here to get an opinion from a GP in his instance, so I think your DH is being unfair by expecting to have some sort of right to veto this.

It sounds like your DH is borderline phobic about medical stuff. I don't think most dads think it's extreme to take a child to the doctor once in nine months!

I honestly don't understand this. If you had genuine health anxiety, you'd be whipping her off to the doctor every 5 seconds. Instead, you have a legitimate concern and, at 9 months, you're planning her first trip to the GP. Your DH is an ass. to give him the benefit of the doubt - did he get dragged round to doctors a lot as a child or have a bad experience? Which could make him less keen?

I agree with the previous poster who said it's a GP appointment not an operation, it's really not a big deal. It would have been better if you'd discussed it with him first but he is over reacting. I wouldn't bother with the health visitor for something like this, in our area they would just tell you to go to the GP so it would be a waste of time (if you could even get to speak to a health visitor in the first place!).

So it's a control issue. He wants to be in control, thinks the only correct way is his way and argues with you because you have felt strong enough to stand up for yourself.

My DH was always an absolute nightmare, the minute one of them sneezed he thought they should be at the Dr. However he is terrified of going to the Dr so expected me to take them. It was the main source of arguments throughout their childhood. I would tell him if he felt they needed to go he was welcome to take them, if not he could shut up and let me decide. On the other hand if I felt they needed a check up I wouldn't always tell him because he would then be on Google coming up with allsort of worst case scenarios and generally getting himself in a state.

Reading your last post, @Themidnightpig, is worrying.
IMO, you need to have a discussion with him about his approach to any possible medical issues with your DD. Is he really of the opinion that he would rather not know if there is a problem, and therefore do nothing to help her resolve it?
It's an extreme example, but I had a discussion with my husband (now XH) about DC2 seemingly being blind at two weeks old. He would not accompany us to the GP, not to the hospital the next day 'because I didn't need him there'. The truth is he was too much of a bloody coward to face up to the fact that there was something wrong. I've never forgiven him for it.

Sorry OP, but his reaction seems extreme. YANBU to take your DC to the doctors, it's very difficult to tell sometimes with children so small if something is a problem or not so best to get a professional opinion. There is a reason why overworked doctors prefer parents to err on the side of caution. I would inform my husband if I was taking my DC to the Drs, not have a discussion and I would expect him to do the same if he thought something was wrong.

I think major decisions should be between both parents. Sure, make the appointment, but don't keep it a secret, ask him to come along, and be involved in any decisions.

Calling up to make the appointment is fine as long as it fits with his schedule.

If you disagree about needing to see a doctor that's a bit different, does he feel there is some harm that can be done by being taken to the GP?