Dd and hairbrushing nightmare

[ShepherdMoons]

My dd has long thick hair, she is nearly 9 and every morning refuses to brush her hair or have it brushed for her. I have explained to her that school say it must be put up (especially as there are always cases of nits in her class).

She complains that it is painful and shouts at me and accuses me of hurting her. I have bought several different detangling brushes, sprays and tried all different approaches to this problem. This morning yet again she stormed off and slammed the door to the kitchen before school resulting in us being late once more for school.

I have suggested cutting it a bit shorter to help her but she is adamant she won't have it cut. I am increasingly stressed about the situation and really don't know what more to do about it.

Maybe book her an appointment with a hairdresser/ hair stylist, OP? Someone neutral who can give her advice and show her how to care for her hair?

Sensory issues maybe?

She needs to accept she either has her hair cut or has to have it brushed. Unless she is ND there is no excuse really she has to make a decision. She could brush it herself to control it I guess.

Can you brush it after bath, dry it and then put plaits in?
Can keep plaits in for school or up in pony but wouldn't mean you'd have to brush it every morning

I'd be letting her get on with it and if she gets in trouble at school, so be it.

Are you using an actual brush or have you tried a wide toothed comb?

My dd had wavy hair that knotted a lot so I used a detangling spray and a wide toothed afro comb. We had no more problems or tears after that.

Brush it with a wet brush after a bath/shower with some leave in conditioner, plait it. Silk pillowcase, you might have to re-plait in the morning if she gets lots of fly aways but it shouldn't need brushing or detangling

Would you not take her to have her hair thinned out? See if they helps. Also sleeping with her hair in a braid can also reduce tangles over night

I wouldn't be getting involved with a 9 year old's hair. Let her go to school with it down and let them deal with it, if she gets a detention then she might be more willing to have you help her. If it gets really tangled then you can take her to the hairdresser's to have it cut shorter and more manageable.

I used to plait my DD’s overnight as detangling took so long and was painful.

Don't despair, OP- my dd was exactly the same, every day a fight. She is 16 now, with lovely naturally curly hair that everyone comments on- and she doesn't brush it! I have curly hair too, and remember crying in pain every morning when my mum brushed it. Now I only ever comb it when wet

leave in conditioner with a wide toothed comb and combing in little sections helped sort our DDs hair out but there would still be tears sometimes but she knew it was for the greater good as she didn't want her hair cut.

Let her go to school without combing/brushing it; see what happens. If she gets a dose of nits I dread to think what state you'll both be in when you have to comb through the Hedrin/or similar using a nit comb!!

As our DD got older, I would then straighten her hair which helped immensely...just a quick brush through each morning without a tangle.

We used to have this but things have been so much better since we started following a curly hair approach. Your DD may not have curly hair but I think thick hair should be treated the same.

• We wash using conditioner only. No more shampoo at all.

• Give it a good brush through while wet and covered in conditioner. That should get the tangles out.

• put in some leave in conditioner - that has really made a big difference.

• if possible leave to dry naturally rather than using heat.

• when it's dry just use a wide tooth comb to neaten it up.

Thanks, I will try the comb and also maybe consider leaving her hair down instead of trying to put it back every day. So stressful! Thank you for the suggestions.

I will also see if we can agree to have it thinned out, it is very thick and it takes a long time to brush it to get it into a style.

We shamelessly bribe DD 5 with cartoons - she is allowed to watch something while we do her hair in the morning. Miraculously hair brushing is no longer such a traumatic experience...

It's not just about the school rules - brushing hair is basic personal care/hygiene really. It will get tangled and matted if she doesn't brush it, and the less often she brushes it, the more uncomfortable it will be when she actually has to.

I had long hair as a kid and I hated having it brushed too, because yes, it does pull/hurt when you hit a knot or tangle, but it was a non-negotiable in our house.

If she has very curly or afro hair, then it will obviously need a different kind of care and brushing probably wouldn't be appropriate/suitable, but if she's got long straight hair, there are some things that can make it easier to brush. Conditioning it well and combing it out when it's wet with a wide-toothed comb will help, as will brushing it in smaller sections rather than trying to pull a brush through the full thickness of her hair at once.

There are also lots of de-tangling sprays on the market, including ones that are specifically for kids, which you can spritz on damp or dry hair to make brushing easier.

If you're tying her hair up, have a look at bands/bobbles that won't snag - silk scrunchie type ones are good.

Plaits might keep her hair more under control than a ponytail and reduce tangling during the day.

Plait it in the evening- I did this when I had long hair. If that doesn't work, leave her to it, let her get sanctioned by school and convince her to have it cut.

You have my sympathies OP! We had the same ongoing problem, tears and tantrums every morning which resulted in only the top layers of her hair being brushed so that we could put it back in a ponytail. She looked presentable but underneath was a mess of tangles. We tried everything - conditioner sprays, oils, combs, a tangle teezer brush but in the end I told her that if she wasn't willing to sit and let me brush it properly then it would have to be cut. Eventually she agreed - it broke my heart as her hair was down to her waist but now it's shoulder length and mornings are so much easier 😁

Have you tried a Manta hairbrush?

Just fabulous and gentle on your hair and scalp.

I completely agree plaits I'm the evening, then it won't be tangled in the morning and neither of you will be stressed.

If you have to deal with nasty tangles in the evening always hold the root firmly so that when you brush you don't hurt her. Inpatient parents do hurt when brushing tangled hair, and it is upsetting for the recipient

Try a tangle tweezer www.boots.com/tangle-teezer-fine-and-fragile-detangling-hairbrush-mint-violet-10263740

Leave in conditioner and overnight plaits should also help.

Tangle Teezers, leave in conditioner and brushing from the ends - so start a couple of inches from the bottom and move up bit by bit, and always hold the hair above where you are brushing with your other hand so you are tugging against your hand not her scalp. However with the right leave in conditioner you might not need to (Schwarzkopf do good ones on Amazon but you can find cheaper)

Would also recommend going to her one evening or at the weekend, explaining that you dont want to hurt her and ask if she'll let you try some different methods and maybe even trying new methods/products out then. Means you both have less stress and pressure and can do it slowly. Also and this might sound daft but make sure you are acknowledging if she says it hurts - stopping, verbally acknowledging and then starting again - in the heat of the moment its easy to go 'no im not/just let me do it has to be done' and it makes things much worse.

Parent of 9 year old with wild hair here and zero interest in managing it herself except for a blanket refusal to have it cut.
loads of conditioner when washing
favourite tv while brushing (YouTube here)
brush and plait at night, ignore in morning.
occassionally we get somewhere with her brushing it herself but it’s too thick for her to do a thorough job and always gets matted again underneath.
I snipped out the worst tangles, it’s so thick no one can tell.
I don’t comb it when wet, I give it an hour or 2 or even the next day as it’s much less tuggy then.
let her brush and style your hair.

My hair gets super tangled so I tend to add conditioner after washing when in shower and brush through the conditioner to get knots out before rinsing. Way easier to brush with the conditioner in wet hair. Then there's not much brushing to do after when drying.

We have exactly the same discussion every morning with my 10 year old. overnight plaits have helped hugely, as have regular trims. Hairdresser also recommended a dr knot brush, which seems to get more of the tangles out than a tangle teaser.

conditioner def helps when it’s wet, but it’s the ´mornings I find our troubles with, but the plaits have largely solved that problem.