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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Upset at her reaction to me?

77 replies

drivetosurvive · 22/05/2022 18:13

Remained friends with a group from school, one of them fell out with one from the group and started distancing herself. I had my birthday and didn’t invite her as I thought it would be awkward and she got annoyed. We saw each other at a mutual friends wedding and neither of us spoke to each other. And that was it, happened about six years ago (ish) and not seen each other since.

I’m now the manager of a coffee shop and she happened to come in today and I saw her freeze in the door way looked panicked/worried and left.

i just feel hurt that someone would have that kind of reaction to seeing me.

OP posts:

TabithaTittlemouse · 22/05/2022 18:15

You didn’t invite her to your party and you blanked her at a wedding…. What do you want her to do?

Greensleeves · 22/05/2022 18:16

But it's no different from your reaction to her, when you left her out of your birthday - you thought it would be awkward, so you avoided her! Why wouldn't she feel the same way?

Either contact her, apologise and clear the air (if you want a friendship) or make your mind up now to chuck it in the fuckit bucket and move on.

PlanningTowns · 22/05/2022 18:16

Intentionally or not you picked a side and by the sounds of it didn’t discuss the situation with her when you made a decision on her behalf.

I imagine she felt incredibly hurt by it all. In her position I too would have turned on my heel and left.

user1471457751 · 22/05/2022 18:18

You ended the friendship when you didn't invite her to your birthday party and then blanked her at the wedding (where you should have reached out first given your behaviour over the birthday). I think she's a bit dramatic to have walked back out of the coffee shop but maybe you bring up a lot of bad feelings for her

Toottooot · 22/05/2022 18:20

Right so you actively excluded her from your birthday do but you’re upset that she wouldn’t want to speak to you - no hun.

Maybebabyno2 · 22/05/2022 18:21

I would have done the same thing, you dropped her like a sack of hot shit for your other friend, she does not owe you fake small talk.

She will probably avoid the shop now so I wouldn't worry about it happening again.

If you're upset by this, I wonder if you regret the side you picked. Was the other one not worth it in the end?

BendingSpoons · 22/05/2022 18:23

Sounds normal to me. You both avoid each other, so she didn't want to come in and make polite conversation with you.

HeddaGarbled · 22/05/2022 18:25

It must have affected her badly, for her to react like that after all this time. That’s sad.

PinkSyCo · 22/05/2022 18:27

Oh come on. If anyone should be hurt it’s her. You should have invited her to your party. Surely you can see that?

IncompleteSenten · 22/05/2022 18:27

You treated her like shit.
What did you expect? A hug and a kiss?

StoneofDestiny · 22/05/2022 18:28

What did you expect her to do?

Original poster

drivetosurvive · 22/05/2022 18:31

StoneofDestiny · 22/05/2022 18:28

What did you expect her to do?

Just come in and get a coffee.

I also didn’t ignore her at a wedding. If neither of you speak to each other then you can’t say only one ignored the other.

OP posts:

WeDontShutUpAboutBruno · 22/05/2022 18:34

You thought it would be awkward to invite her to your birthday.

She thought it would be awkward to speak to you at your work.

🤷🏻‍♀️

ladydimitrescu · 22/05/2022 18:36

Erm, you treated her horribly.
No wonder the poor woman didn't want to come in and face seeing you.

sonjadog · 22/05/2022 18:36

"I also didn’t ignore her at a wedding. If neither of you speak to each other then you can’t say only one ignored the other."

Maybe she was going to speak to you, and then you ignored her, so she didn't want to speak to you after all? Or maybe she was waiting for you to make the first move after you didn't invite her to your party, and as you didn't, she thought you didn't want to speak to her. Who knows? Whatever the reason, I can see why she'd rather go somewhere else than buy coffee from you.

Wherehasthecommonsensegone · 22/05/2022 18:39

You picked a side and sent a clear message when you didn’t invite her to your birthday party, not surprised she didn’t want to come into the coffee shop. She’s probably thinking you don’t like her given you didn’t invite her to your party and wanted to avoid an unpleasant experience.

Maybe could have taken a leaf out of your mutual friends book and invited her to your party the same way your mutual friend still invited her to the wedding.

You’re not unreasonable to feel hurt, but it’s of your own making.

AgentProvocateur · 22/05/2022 18:39

You behaved horribly to her. No wonder she didn’t want to see you.

HappyCup · 22/05/2022 18:39

one of them fell out with one from the group and started distancing herself. I had my birthday and didn’t invite her
I think that’s a bit mean. She fell out with someone else, not with you.

You probably should have extended the olive branch at the wedding seeing as she’s the wronged party.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 22/05/2022 18:40

You made the decision not to invite her to your birthday party. Did you discuss this with her beforehand or just leave her out? Are you really surprised that she was hurt? I’m assuming you invited the friend she fell out with so you effectively took sides and made the decision to lose her friendship over the other friend’s. Can you really not see why she might not think you a nice person or want to have to have an awkward encounter with you when presumably there are plenty of other coffee shops she can go to?

Aprilx · 22/05/2022 18:41

I’m not really sure what else she could do. You picked a side.

wishitwasaduvetday · 22/05/2022 18:41

YABU

You didn't invite her to the party. Therefore at the wedding she's already thinking you don't want her company... of course she didn't come talk to you... you should have made the approach there.

Resulting in 6 years later her randomly seeing you in the coffee shop and thinking "fuck that!" and leave rather than have to stand and be awkward while her coffee was made and you ignore her again.

Pandarinio · 22/05/2022 18:44

She wasn't expecting to see you there and she probably panicked and went into fright and flight mode. Its your own fault though.

MeAndMyKatzen · 22/05/2022 18:44

Firstly, she was probably surprised to see you. Secondly, maybe she just couldn't be bothered to make small talk with someone she's not seen for years or whose parting memories weren't positive. You're as bad as each other and sometimes it's just not worth the hassle. Get over it.

KarmaStar · 22/05/2022 18:56

Yabvu to feel hurt.
She was left out of your party and it's gone downhill from there.
To not realise that you've hurt her is just impossible to believe.

pictish · 22/05/2022 18:57

Agree with the others. You picked your side and excluded her from a social event so you can hardly complain when she didn’t approach you at the wedding. It was your olive branch to offer. Get a grip.

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