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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Upset at her reaction to me?

77 replies

drivetosurvive · 22/05/2022 18:13

Remained friends with a group from school, one of them fell out with one from the group and started distancing herself. I had my birthday and didn’t invite her as I thought it would be awkward and she got annoyed. We saw each other at a mutual friends wedding and neither of us spoke to each other. And that was it, happened about six years ago (ish) and not seen each other since.

I’m now the manager of a coffee shop and she happened to come in today and I saw her freeze in the door way looked panicked/worried and left.

i just feel hurt that someone would have that kind of reaction to seeing me.

OP posts:
Idhatetolookintothoseeyes · 22/05/2022 19:57

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/05/2022 19:04

Poor woman. You’ve behaved horribly and you still won’t be feeling as crappy as she did when you ostracised her.

Quite.
OP should be feeling guilt as hell, instead she’s all ‘I’m hurt’.

awful.

Andromachehadabadday · 22/05/2022 19:58

Given that you didn’t invite her to your party, it was really up to you to speak to her at the wedding. She simply got the message that you took a side and were excluding her. Why would she chat with you at wedding unless you wanted to?

If you exclude someone and want to move on and chat with them when you see them, it’s your responsibility to air the first move

Vikinga · 22/05/2022 20:02

You're a coward and a crap friend and apparently also deluded

Pandarinio · 22/05/2022 20:21

diddl · 22/05/2022 19:46

Why do you care when you obviously don't like her?

Good point. If I were her I'd assume I wasn't welcome in your coffee shop either the way you've treated her.

ReadyToMoveIt · 22/05/2022 20:27

I would have done exactly the same thing. You picked your side by not inviting her to your party. The last time you saw each other you didn’t speak to each other. Why on earth would she come into your coffee shop and talk to you? It wouldn’t be an enjoyable experience for her. She probably feels incredibly hurt.

AtrociousCircumstance · 22/05/2022 20:29

This has got to be a reverse.

If it isn’t - YABU.

You’re the bad guy in this situation OP.

iklboo · 22/05/2022 20:47

Did you want her to run to you like the airport scene in Love Actually?

Icepinkeskimo · 22/05/2022 20:51

You need to give your head a wobble and go apologise to her. Your hurt?! How do you think she felt when you took sides?

minuette1 · 22/05/2022 21:13

I feel like this must be a reverse. Surely no-one can be this un-self-aware?

Oceanus · 22/05/2022 21:53

One of my pet hates: "friends" that ditch "friends" because they think it's ok to take on somebody else's pains and aches without even bothering to ask what happened to both sides.
It's happened to me (as an adult!). My friend told me he was ending our friendship because he'd been friends with the other girl in "our" group for longer. Did he ask what happened?! No, though at least he had the decency(?) of telling me it by text. It's been bloody ages and it still eats away at me.
Last time I saw this "friend" we were both on the Central Line, I put my face down and walked away. Good for your friend to have walked away, she did the right thing. You should just let it go too, clearly you've already picked your side so be happy with your other "friend" and don't be shocked if she moves on and forgets to inform you.

Legselevens · 22/05/2022 22:28

You sound surprised that she did not want to stay in the coffee shop and avoided you. This seems shortsighted and you don’t seem to grasp your behaviour. You need to look at your own behaviour. Would you advise your child to behave like this? Obviously there may be more to the story. If you treated her badly, why are you so bothered that she did not come into the shop?

BadLad · 23/05/2022 05:14

Seeing as you haven't spoken to each other for six years, and the last time you were together neither of you bothered to speak to the other, does it really matter that she just turned round and fucked off?

Just shrug and forget about it, or it's a waste of headspace.

MRex · 23/05/2022 06:11

i just feel hurt that someone would have that kind of reaction to seeing me.
Actions have consequences, sounds like you're old enough to learn that.

I would have avoided you too. A coffee shop break is meant to be a nice thing to do.

ChairCareOh · 23/05/2022 06:16

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at the user's request

ScootsMcHoy · 23/05/2022 06:37

So when it suits you, you would like her to fade into oblivion. But now you would like her to behave like absolutely nothing has happened.

You are the one who started it all. You chose to take sides in a situation where you really didn't have to.

And you did ignore her at the wedding. You didn't speak to her after you didn't invite her to your birthday party. That's a deliberate act.

QuillBill · 23/05/2022 06:40

i just feel hurt that someone would have that kind of reaction to seeing me.

Did you think you could behave appallingly to another person and that they would still think you were a nice person? I'm surprised at your lack of awareness.

She doesn't owe you a good reaction.

SavoyCabbage · 23/05/2022 06:44

Really, she has behaved with decorum in this situation she's found herself in.

She could have asked you at the wedding why you didn't invite her to your party. But she didn't cause a scene.

She could have made you feel uncomfortable at your place of work, but she left.

She has come out of this well and you have not. Even when telling your own side of the story.

TabithaTittlemouse · 23/05/2022 07:52

If you want to fix this then now is a good time. Contact her and say that you saw her. Say how sorry you are that things have turned out this way.

or accept that you are no longer friends.

Yutes · 23/05/2022 07:56

i just feel hurt that someone would have that kind of reaction to seeing me

Do you understand that she was probably pretty hurt at not being invited to your birthday, and then not speaking at a a wedding. From her point of view - you stopped speaking to her, not the other way around.

unless this is a reverse.

thingymaboob · 23/05/2022 07:59

Of course she had that reaction, you behaved appallingly when you didn't invite her to a party. You sound like a really mean girl.

THisbackwithavengeance · 23/05/2022 08:00

Some of the replies on here are really childish and clearly protecting posters' own resentments and extended grudge holding.

Yes, she was undoubtedly hurt at the time but 6 years later, you would assume that most reasonable adults would get the coffee, nod and smile to their former friend and then not give it a second thought.

grapewines · 23/05/2022 08:04

Nah. This one is on you. You dropped and avoided her. Of course she's going to do the same. How are you remotely surprised at this? Simple action and consequence.

Beautiful3 · 23/05/2022 08:25

Similar thing happened to me, many moons ago. My best friend stopped talking and meeting up with me. I was upset and a bit confused because there was no fall out. A year later I walked into a shop, she was on the counter. We looked at each other and I felt sick with anxiety, as I didn't know what she'd say to me. I was finally over our "break up" and didn't want to go there again. Or worse, she'd smile and pretend we were always friends, she was just super busy. I turned around and walked out. Now I'm older, I wouldn't do that again. I'd say hello and get on with it.

10HailMarys · 23/05/2022 11:08

You fell out, quite badly, ignored each other the last time you saw each other, and haven't seen each other for six years. Why would you be a) surprised or b) upset that she'd rather not sit in your cafe and have you serve her a drink? What's the problem, exactly?

Glittertwins · 23/05/2022 15:10

You need to grow up, what business have you got in feeling hurt when you started the ball rolling. This has happened to my teen DD by a bunch of so called friends, so sick of the way they acted and that grown women are still as bad.