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AIBU?

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Original poster

Upset at her reaction to me?

77 replies

drivetosurvive · 22/05/2022 18:13

Remained friends with a group from school, one of them fell out with one from the group and started distancing herself. I had my birthday and didn’t invite her as I thought it would be awkward and she got annoyed. We saw each other at a mutual friends wedding and neither of us spoke to each other. And that was it, happened about six years ago (ish) and not seen each other since.

I’m now the manager of a coffee shop and she happened to come in today and I saw her freeze in the door way looked panicked/worried and left.

i just feel hurt that someone would have that kind of reaction to seeing me.

OP posts:
orwellwasright · 22/05/2022 19:00

So you socially excluded her which is very bullying behaviour and now you're hurt she didn't want to drink your poxy coffee?

I applaud her boundaries personally.

wishitwasaduvetday · 22/05/2022 19:01

The emotion you should be feeling is guilt not hurt. Guilt that you've made her feel like that.
If you did want to reach out now would be the opportunity to send her an apology message. Don't be surprised if she doesn't respond though.

LAMPS1 · 22/05/2022 19:01

Why would she risk getting the cold shoulder from you again. She owes you nothing after you chose to exclude her and ghost her …without a word …as if she was a throw away piece of rubbish.
How can you feel so hurt and yet not imagine the hurt of the double blow you dealt her.

mum61 · 22/05/2022 19:04

@drivetosurvive I think you really hurt her when you didnt invite her because she had fallen out with someone in your friendship group.....to her that was a rejection . It clearly has stayed with her .
So what was possibly trivial to you was not to her.
If it really bothers you that you hurt her then contact her and apologise .

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/05/2022 19:04

Poor woman. You’ve behaved horribly and you still won’t be feeling as crappy as she did when you ostracised her.

Crimeismymiddlename · 22/05/2022 19:05

You bined her off six years ago because she feel out with another women in your group. Ask yourself, did she start distancing herself or did the others like you just stop inviting her to things.
She did not expect to see you and obviously just wanted a nice coffee in peace not make small talk with you or, even worse be conversation fodder for you and the group.

Pandarinio · 22/05/2022 19:06

Are you sure it was panic and worry and not "oh god not you again"

MarvellousMay · 22/05/2022 19:08

Did you tell her why she wasn’t invited? That’s pretty mean.

I would have hoped you hadn’t seen me and done a swift U turn too.

cadburyegg · 22/05/2022 19:09

Something similar happened to me once, I was in a group of friends and my ex started dating one of them. I had tried to smooth things over and be polite but my friends immediately started leaving me out of group meet ups. I once happened to go to the same restaurant with my mum and they were all there. It was extremely hurtful and needless to say I distanced myself pretty quickly. I've never forgotten it and it was 10 years ago.

2 of my friends in a large friendship group have fallen out and now don't speak. I'm still friends with both of them. although I am closer to one, I do not and have not picked sides and would not exclude either of them from anything

JulyDreams · 22/05/2022 19:11

You didn't invite her but everyone else was there. Probably completely hurt. That's nasty.

LIZS · 22/05/2022 19:12

You excluded her from your bday. Presumably another friend (bride) didn't feel the same and included her but you chose not to approach her. Is it any wonder she felt awkward?

Wouldyabeguilty · 22/05/2022 19:14

You were a bitch to her and she didn't want to go into your smelly coffee shop. The neck of you being hurt when you did all the hurting.

catandcoffee · 22/05/2022 19:16

drivetosurvive · 22/05/2022 18:31

Just come in and get a coffee.

I also didn’t ignore her at a wedding. If neither of you speak to each other then you can’t say only one ignored the other.

Show quote history

No it doesn't work like that... you should have said hello to her first.

You were the one that dropped her friendship in the first place. Had she actually done anything to you, no.

minuette1 · 22/05/2022 19:17

I don't understand why you excluded her from your birthday when she had fallen out with someone else. What a mean thing to do to pick sides like that. I don't blame her for not wanting to interact with you in anyway. The wedding should have been a chance for you to apologise for excluding her and clear the air but instead you blanked her. I wouldn't have made the effort with you either in that situation, that was for you to make the first move. Actions have consequences and tough luck if you feel hurt by her (understandable) reaction towards you now.

anotherNCsorryfolks · 22/05/2022 19:21

You was a bitch to her. I don't blame her I'd of done the same.

BerkyWithTheGoodHair · 22/05/2022 19:33

I was part of a big group of friends once. We were really tight friends, but then I fell out with one who was the queen bee type.
Do you know what was the worst thing?… the spineless fence sitters (you) who just wibbled around and either refused to condemn the vile behaviour or just just cast me adrift and pretended they didn't know me anymore. It's devastating and I don't think anyone really understands how damaging it can be.

You're not her friend and I wholeheartedly agree with her decision to not have anything to do with you any longer.

Nanny0gg · 22/05/2022 19:33

drivetosurvive · 22/05/2022 18:31

Just come in and get a coffee.

I also didn’t ignore her at a wedding. If neither of you speak to each other then you can’t say only one ignored the other.

Show quote history

You started it by siding with the other girl

What on earth did you expect?

She's either hurt or thoroughly dislikes you.

Why should she give you her custom?

Toottooot · 22/05/2022 19:35

Sounds like she’s far better off without you anyway.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 22/05/2022 19:36

Good for her. I wouldn't want to go to someone who'd been such a bitch to me

Sittingonabench · 22/05/2022 19:38

You seem to have moved on and not really think about it whereas she is still holding on to some of the hurt and pain of what happened and doesn’t want that dredged up while out for a coffee. It seems completely reasonable to have that reaction. You think she’s overreacting but that indicates you’re not really aware of the impact it had on her

diddl · 22/05/2022 19:46

Why do you care when you obviously don't like her?

coffeecupsandfairylights · 22/05/2022 19:46

drivetosurvive · 22/05/2022 18:31

Just come in and get a coffee.

I also didn’t ignore her at a wedding. If neither of you speak to each other then you can’t say only one ignored the other.

Show quote history

But you're the one who took sides originally and didn't invite her to your birthday. Why on earth would she talk to you at a wedding after the way you treated her?

You should have apologised for taking sides!

Bootothegoose · 22/05/2022 19:52

HeddaGarbled · 22/05/2022 18:25

It must have affected her badly, for her to react like that after all this time. That’s sad.

This - it's clear, intentionally or not, that you hurt her.

If you really want to ease the tension then perhaps send a facebook message. Say you saw her today and would like to apologise for your part in the fall out.

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/05/2022 19:56

The woman was pushed out of the group, you followed suit and excluded her.

why do you feel hurt?

GlazedDoughnuts · 22/05/2022 19:57

Honestly op, I can't quite believe that you are the one who is feeling hurt.