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AIBU?

I've been asking DH to share the burden of housework for ten years now, AIBU to issue an ultimatum?

320 replies

WiggyClawsThe2nd · 21/05/2022 21:14

Just that really. Have tried every single way of asking. I've shouted and screamed in frustration, I've burst into tears, I've quietly and calmly asked, I've made reasoned arguments as to why it should be an equal division of labour (at different times!) Every time he agrees to do more. And then does even less. If I raise it now he acts like I'm being a nag, or hysterical over something unimportant. Am now at the end of my tether. AIBU to give him an ultimatum?

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Am I being unreasonable?

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iex · 21/05/2022 21:15

What will your ultimatum be?

Will you stick to it?

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AnyFucker · 21/05/2022 21:15

Just leave. Or he leaves. What do you expect to change after 10 years ?

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iex · 21/05/2022 21:16

I mean how will you word it?

"You need to start pulling your weight by doing x, y, z" ?

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balalake · 21/05/2022 21:16

Any ultimatum must not be a hollow threat, and so you must have a plan should you carry it out.

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EVHead · 21/05/2022 21:16

10 years?! He’s not going to change now, sorry.

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WiggyClawsThe2nd · 21/05/2022 21:19

AnyFucker · 21/05/2022 21:15

Just leave. Or he leaves. What do you expect to change after 10 years ?

Yes, I fear you are probably right. Seems such a silly thing to end a marriage over, but is pretty unbearable iyswim.

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AntiHop · 21/05/2022 21:19

Yanbu. What reason does he give for not doing it?

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MissChanandlerBong80 · 21/05/2022 21:20

No, not unreasonable at all to issue an ultimatum but I doubt it will change anything if you’ve been asking for 10 years already.

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ShirleyPhallus · 21/05/2022 21:22

What happens if you just ignore his chores? Ie he’s meant to do the washing up - what happens if you never, ever do it and just leave it building up?

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WiggyClawsThe2nd · 21/05/2022 21:22

AntiHop · 21/05/2022 21:19

Yanbu. What reason does he give for not doing it?

That's just it. There doesn't seem to be a reason. I work more hours and when we've talked about it in the past he's been on board with doing more, as long as I don't keep going on about it. So I bite my tongue for months, he does nothing, it's like bloody groundhog day.

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RandomMess · 21/05/2022 21:23

Marriage therapy/counselling in which you deal him it's a deal breaker and you will end your marriage over him not doing his fair share.

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Gettingthereslowly2020 · 21/05/2022 21:24

10 years?! Ffs grow a bloody backbone! Why do women put up with this shit? I'd have been long gone a decade ago. You deserve an equal partner, not some misogynistic arsehole who thinks you're his personal servant. You know he won't change, an ultimatatum would be pointless.

I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, it angers me to see thread after thread of women allowing themselves to be disrespected.

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AnyFucker · 21/05/2022 21:25

He has no respect for you. Bottom line.

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WiggyClawsThe2nd · 21/05/2022 21:25

ShirleyPhallus · 21/05/2022 21:22

What happens if you just ignore his chores? Ie he’s meant to do the washing up - what happens if you never, ever do it and just leave it building up?

It doesn't get done. Unless I want to live in a pigsty I have to do it myself. He's not completely useless, he does the cooking and shopping every other week, makes lunch for toddler (abandons the washing up) and takes DS to nursery. But seems to be allergic to any kind of cleaning. And I'm not asking for much, just a basic standard of hygiene!

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NrlySp · 21/05/2022 21:26

Have you got a cleaner?
or together you sit down write our all the domestic tasks, frequency and time they take. Then distribute them. Like a rota. To be ticked off if necessary
Then meet at set intervals to assess how it’s going.
would he do that?
or you massively reduce your expectations

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AnyFucker · 21/05/2022 21:27

www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288/amp Not the first, won’t be the last

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OxanaVorontsova · 21/05/2022 21:27

He clearly has very little respect for you and your feelings so ltb

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fighoney · 21/05/2022 21:28

I would either get a cleaner, or share the jobs differently; eg if he will shop and cook every other week, why doesn't he do that all the time and you clean.

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WiggyClawsThe2nd · 21/05/2022 21:28

Gettingthereslowly2020 · 21/05/2022 21:24

10 years?! Ffs grow a bloody backbone! Why do women put up with this shit? I'd have been long gone a decade ago. You deserve an equal partner, not some misogynistic arsehole who thinks you're his personal servant. You know he won't change, an ultimatatum would be pointless.

I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, it angers me to see thread after thread of women allowing themselves to be disrespected.

Nope not wrong there. Funny how you don't notice your frog being boiled until it's too late. In fairness to him I've only really got a handle on housework since DS as born, and we had a really messy friend living with us before this. But I agree, he doesn't seem to respect me at all, after all my time is just as valuable as his. Handful of replies has made me realise what an absolute pillock I've been. Thank you mn!

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LadySybilRamekin · 21/05/2022 21:28

But you're not ending the marriage because he's not doing housework. You're ending it because he has no respect for you and is happy for you to be a drudge so he gets more spare time. He doesn't give a shit that his leisure comes at your expense.

Not very attractive, is it?

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AnyFucker · 21/05/2022 21:28

Get a cleaner ie. give another woman his tasks to do

Ridiculous

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ShirleyPhallus · 21/05/2022 21:28

He doesn’t have any respect for you and sounds like a useless arse, but you’re totally enabling him. Why would he do it when he knows he can just leave it and mummy will come along and do it for him?

Id put up with living in a pig sty for a while and just leave all his chores to him. If it means you use every single piece of kitchen equipment then eat out of a saucepan for a few nights to be it. Do your own laundry, ignore his, don’t empty the bins, don’t fill up the car with petrol etc,

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wallpoppy · 21/05/2022 21:29

Do you have a shared bank account? If so, use it to pay for a cleaner and a gardener/handyman and reduce your own contribution to the bank account by however much they cost.

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WiggyClawsThe2nd · 21/05/2022 21:29

NrlySp · 21/05/2022 21:26

Have you got a cleaner?
or together you sit down write our all the domestic tasks, frequency and time they take. Then distribute them. Like a rota. To be ticked off if necessary
Then meet at set intervals to assess how it’s going.
would he do that?
or you massively reduce your expectations

No cleaner. And yep have tried this. Several different versions, no joy. Claims he doesn't want telling what to do, but can't seem to see that a hoover needs running around either.

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MrOllivander · 21/05/2022 21:30

It's not unimportant. I mean what will he do if he is on his own? Live in a shit tip or actually start doing some cleaning?

My standards are pretty high but that's because I grew up with it the other way round - my dad did everything from cooking to cleaning and my mum did nothing. Now my dad is on his own and is able to be because he does everything himself without relying on anyone

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