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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I've been asking DH to share the burden of housework for ten years now, AIBU to issue an ultimatum?

320 replies

WiggyClawsThe2nd · 21/05/2022 21:14

Just that really. Have tried every single way of asking. I've shouted and screamed in frustration, I've burst into tears, I've quietly and calmly asked, I've made reasoned arguments as to why it should be an equal division of labour (at different times!) Every time he agrees to do more. And then does even less. If I raise it now he acts like I'm being a nag, or hysterical over something unimportant. Am now at the end of my tether. AIBU to give him an ultimatum?

OP posts:
NellesVilla · 21/05/2022 22:29

This is partly why I would never live with a man, the lazy prick.
Defo ltb, OP, and pour yourself a big one 🍷- you’ve earned it!

knowinglesseveryday · 21/05/2022 22:30

How can it be a silly thing that he ignores your feelings and calls you a nag. And expects you to be the one to do any cleaning. These are the very men who end up having affairs.They have the time and energy and they see you as a mother and cleaner.

JesusSufferingFuck22 · 21/05/2022 22:32

When me and dh both worked full time it was like pulling teeth to get him and ds to do any housework. I used to huff and puff and get so fucking angry about them not cleaning, or not cleaning properly.
Fast forward to today. I've been physically disabled for 5 years. I am utterly convinced they don't see the mess like I do. We have different standards. In order to survive and not destroy myself through resentment and annoyance I learned to ignore most of the clutter and jobs needing done. They don't do the jobs but they know no one else is going to do them. Some days it's like torture. They just can't see how to create order. I've stopped being personally offended every time they don't do something.

After 20 years of marriage I became disabled. They've had 5 years to adjust and they have only now made the tiniest bit of progress.

Aquamarine1029 · 21/05/2022 22:34

You've allow him to treat you like a skivvy for 10 years. He's not changing because he doesn't give a shit.

I wouldn't even waste your time with couple's therapy. His level of respect for you is crystal clear.

mummabubs · 21/05/2022 22:43

Not much advice but a solidarity wave. I've been with DH for 8 years, he does contribute but only to the jobs he enjoys... Aka cooking (we do 50/50) and the dishwasher. I do everything else. Every time before visitors arrive or before we go away for the weekend I always end up crying because it's so stressful organising everything for me the DC and the dog. He always says he'll help if if ask... But I don't want to have to ask!! I want him to show initiative. Prime point, he was unwell a few weeks ago and ending up being sick in the sink. After 2 weeks of daily nagging and insisting I wasn't going to buckle, I then did and cleaned it up myself. On my birthday. He then legit told me I shouldn't have done it because he was going to. I said he clearly wasn't going to.

I know this post paints him as an absolute arsehole. He has many good qualities and features but unfortunately initiative and planning/caring about household tasks isn't one of them. I blame him, also his mum who literally waited on him hand and foot into his late twenties until I met him, so he's never known how to take care of himself or had incentive to learn. And now I blame myself for the part I play in maintaining it but just like you OP I've tried everything to incite change and nothing works.

Lovewilltearyouapart · 21/05/2022 22:46

Mummabubs. What good points does he have? He literally didn’t clean his own sick for 2 weeks? Have i read this right?

Lovewilltearyouapart · 21/05/2022 22:48

Thing is i feel like i am the one who never sees the mess/does this clean enough so i Often sympathise With the messy ones but even i would clean up my own bodily fluids

Badlifeday · 21/05/2022 22:51

I think my dp has adhd and this is actually helping me understand his approach to housework, which tends to be a bit all or nothing.
A man will not, imo, be comparing his input around the home to what his female partner does but to what he thinks other men do. And the bar there can be pretty low.

Aquamarine1029 · 21/05/2022 22:51

mummabubs · 21/05/2022 22:43

Not much advice but a solidarity wave. I've been with DH for 8 years, he does contribute but only to the jobs he enjoys... Aka cooking (we do 50/50) and the dishwasher. I do everything else. Every time before visitors arrive or before we go away for the weekend I always end up crying because it's so stressful organising everything for me the DC and the dog. He always says he'll help if if ask... But I don't want to have to ask!! I want him to show initiative. Prime point, he was unwell a few weeks ago and ending up being sick in the sink. After 2 weeks of daily nagging and insisting I wasn't going to buckle, I then did and cleaned it up myself. On my birthday. He then legit told me I shouldn't have done it because he was going to. I said he clearly wasn't going to.

I know this post paints him as an absolute arsehole. He has many good qualities and features but unfortunately initiative and planning/caring about household tasks isn't one of them. I blame him, also his mum who literally waited on him hand and foot into his late twenties until I met him, so he's never known how to take care of himself or had incentive to learn. And now I blame myself for the part I play in maintaining it but just like you OP I've tried everything to incite change and nothing works.

He IS a useless, selfish arsehole and yet you're still making excuses about him. It's truly remarkable.

I'll bet he's brilliant at showing initiative and planning for the things that impact him and the list of things that he cares about. You are not on this list. FFS, get angry and raise the bar.

WallaceinAnderland · 21/05/2022 22:53

I voted YABU because I don't think you'll do anything. You've had 10 years to do something about it and you've done nothing. I can't see that changing really.

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 21/05/2022 22:54

Does he think the housework you want him to do is necessary? If he lived alone would he do it? Or do it as quickly/often?

DH and I have very different standards (i think he’s obsessed, he thinks I’m messy) but the home belongs to both of us. We’ve learned to compromise.

Nat6999 · 21/05/2022 22:56

They will never change, my exh was at home every day due to ill health but he played on it, I would get phone calls at work could I pick up ds from school as he was in bed, I would get home & he was in bed watching porn. I was working & coming home to start again when I got home, he was sat on his arse all day doing nothing when there were things he could do regardless of his health. It was actually easier when I was on my own after we split up, nobody creating mess & waiting for me to clear it up.

Isaidnoalready · 21/05/2022 22:57

Pack up your toddler and leave he will go for fifty fifty most likely but that will drop when he realises the fairy isn't facilitating him anymore

Original poster
WiggyClawsThe2nd · 21/05/2022 22:57

ThisWormHasTurned really comforting to know I'm not the only boiled frog.

OP posts:
Original poster
WiggyClawsThe2nd · 21/05/2022 23:00

mummabubs I hear you

OP posts:
Original poster
WiggyClawsThe2nd · 21/05/2022 23:01

WallaceinAnderland · 21/05/2022 22:53

I voted YABU because I don't think you'll do anything. You've had 10 years to do something about it and you've done nothing. I can't see that changing really.

Want a bet?!

OP posts:
Original poster
WiggyClawsThe2nd · 21/05/2022 23:02

Isaidnoalready · 21/05/2022 22:57

Pack up your toddler and leave he will go for fifty fifty most likely but that will drop when he realises the fairy isn't facilitating him anymore

I reckon you're right.

OP posts:
Ragwort · 21/05/2022 23:04

Yes ... let's have a bet on whether your DH will change. Genuinely... what's going to make him change after ten years ?

Every single day there is a similar thread on Mumsnet about useless DHs who don't pull their weight. It's so depressing....

EmeraldShamrock1 · 21/05/2022 23:05

Yabu for allowing him be a lazy arsehole for so long.
I don't know how some people think a penis gives a person the right to not do housework.

mummabubs · 21/05/2022 23:07

He does have many other ways in which he shows that he's loving and caring. He makes me laugh. He's a great dad. He does a lot of DIY. He's just really shit at motivating himself where day to day housework is concerned. I have tried everything I can think of to get him to make changes. I personally wouldn't threaten to end the marriage as I don't want to. But just because I don't want a divorce doesn't mean I'm not entitled to be annoyed by his lack of action surely? I'm sure I do things that piss him off too.

SenselessUbiquity · 21/05/2022 23:07

YANBU to issue an ultimatum, but you do have to mean it.

the "I'll do it if you don't mention it" is the sneakiest, most under hand tactic imaginable. That alone is making me furious on your behalf.

Aquamarine1029 · 21/05/2022 23:10

I'm sure I do things that piss him off too.

Hmm... How many of those things show a blatant lack of consideration and respect for him? I wager not a single fucking one.

Pickabearanybear · 21/05/2022 23:12

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

LaWench · 21/05/2022 23:14

My Mum did it. I'm proud of her for standing up for herself. It broke my Dad though as he had no idea how frustrated she was doing everything at home.

LaWench · 21/05/2022 23:15
  • My DM left him.