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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what your 17 year old DS is like. I’m afraid I’ve failed as a parent.

87 replies

Veryfullon · 21/05/2022 09:14

My DS is doing A’levels (1st year of them). He’s clever so is doing OK by doing the bare minimum but could be doing really well with a bit of extra effort. He was planning on university after school but shows no interest in looking at courses etc but also has no other ideas for what he wants to do after school. As university open days etc are coming up soon he needs to start thinking about it but just can’t be bothered.
He has absolutely no idea about money and responsibilities. He earns a small amount in a Saturday job he does every other week then goes out with his girlfriend and spends loads on clothes and expensive meals. His savings (birthday and Christmas money) are dwindling away as he’s not earning anywhere near enough to support this. If I ask him if he’s interested in earning extra money by doing a job for me he’s always reluctant and can’t be bothered.
I’m truly worried I’ve raised a lazy, entitled lad with no drive😔

OP posts:
LilyLott44 · 21/05/2022 09:47

I think that all sounds quite normal for a 17 year old.

my kids were like this but they learn to cope when they have to. It’s all part of growing up.

He’s got a job and he’s studying. Im sure he’ll find his way.

2reefsin30knots · 21/05/2022 09:52

Why don't you just let his money run out, don't give him access to any more, and wait for the light to dawn?

Imsittinginthekitchensink · 21/05/2022 09:54

He's doing A levels, has a girlfriend and a job and spends his own money on the things he wants. I wouldn't say that lazy or entitled. Visiting unis if you have no idea what you want to do is a fairly pointless process.

MarshaBradyo · 21/05/2022 09:55

The money side doesn’t sound too bad. Ds likes buying clothes and other stuff and that’s his call

But he is more focussed on what he wants to do, has a university he would like most and the course

Which A levels is your Ds doing?

Fitterbyfifty · 21/05/2022 09:57

Sounds a bit like my 17 year old ds except mine hasn't got a job!

KangarooKenny · 21/05/2022 09:58

Mine was thinking about leaving home and being ‘free’ at this point, and saw Uni as a way of doing it.
Might the thought of moving away from the girlfriend be stopping him ? What are her plans for work/Uni ?

Porcupineintherough · 21/05/2022 09:58

Sounds normal. I assume he's doing his fair share of cooking/cleaning/laundry round the house. If he's not then he should be and not for money either.

KangarooKenny · 21/05/2022 09:58

Is he learning to drive yet ?

Original poster
Veryfullon · 21/05/2022 09:59

Definitely going to let his money run out.
I feel like I’m constantly nagging him to to anything that requires any effort from him. He’d literally game all the time or hang out with his friends/girlfriend which is sort of ok at 14-15 but I feel he should be showing some self motivation by now. I’ve been too easy on him and because he’s clever he’s got away with it at school and still done well.

OP posts:
TwoBigNoisyBoys · 21/05/2022 10:00

I have one of these too 😁 if it’s any consolation, at least yours has a job and gets out and about, mine spends all his free time on the Xbox!

Josette77 · 21/05/2022 10:01

I don't think you've been too easy on him.
You sound quite hard on him.

Original poster
Veryfullon · 21/05/2022 10:01

He does practically nothing to help around the house without being asked.
He’s passed his driving test.

OP posts:
SummerHouse · 21/05/2022 10:02

Well, is he kind? Thoughtful? Intelligent? Good company? If he lacks a bit of drive and direction I think you just need to gently encourage, but basically ride it out. It's his life. Nothing really wrong with coasting. Contentment is what we all need.

Cokehead · 21/05/2022 10:02

Sounds pretty normal. Can you sit down with him and talk through his uni options? He might feel a bit more motivated once he’s been to some open days. Yes, it would be great if he was completely self-motivated but sometimes a bit of a push to get going can really help, especially if he is a bit unsure about how it all works.

Darbs76 · 21/05/2022 10:05

He’s 17 and that’s normal. My son is 17 but in year 13 (August baby) so A levels begin next week. He’s extremely motivated education wise, I helped him a lot with Uni stuff though. He looked at top uni’s for the courses he was interested in and last October we went on a Uni trip, 2 days in Scotland, Oxford, midlands, it was a lot of fun. But he is lazy housework etc wise. But then I’ve done everything for him. He can cook, I left him for a week at Easter and I sent him recipes for his favourite meals as he’s got to learn to cook for Uni. He will be getting a part time job at Uni to contribute, that will be a shock to his system

Gettingthereslowly2020 · 21/05/2022 10:06

He's a kid, it sounds like he's actually doing really well. A levels are so much pressure. It sounds to me like he'd really benefit from taking a gap year after A levels. It would give him time to mature and think about what he wants to do.

I was lazy at that age, I rushed into university because everyone else did. It was like being in a conveyer belt from GCSEs to A levels to university. I coasted through GCSEs and got decent grades with no effort, I didn't get good grades at A level, and then I ended up dropping out of university.

Fast forward 10 years and I went back to university, suddenly became very studious and academic and now I'm studying for my masters and hoping to complete a doctorate shortly afterwards.

I can see now that I wasn't "lazy", I was just a kid under too much pressure at too young an age. I had no idea who I was or what I wanted to do. There was no time to think or to discover myself, I'd have really benefitted from taking a year out to travel, work, volunteer, and have new experiences in general.

Comedycook · 21/05/2022 10:07

He sounds like he's doing pretty well to me

ReallyReallyReally · 21/05/2022 10:07

Sounds very similar to mine. He's 18 now and about to take A levels. Has an unconditional offer for uni, they will automatically put him on a foundation year if he fails A levels, so he has no motivation for studying. I, too, have really struggled this year, but he is old enough to know the consequences for not studying. He also runs a car and has a retail job that he doesn't enjoy, but as his savings have dwindled (due to clothes and fuel), he realises that he has to continue. I hardly ever see him as he is out all of the time, but since I've backed off, we are getting our relationship back on track. They will work things out for them, maybe not in our timescale, but when they are ready.

GreenClock · 21/05/2022 10:07

Sounds normal OP

Bluevelvetsofa · 21/05/2022 10:09

Maybe he needs to take more time to think about what he wants to study at university, or even, whether that’s still his plan.

As long as he’s getting the work done, keeping the part time job going, leave him to it. The thing he needs to do, is to help out around the house, because that’s basic courtesy towards the people he’s living with and the house he’s living in.

Pushing him into going to open days might have the opposite effect. Would it be the end of the world if he took a year out, providing he was working and making a contribution.

Robin233 · 21/05/2022 10:15

Yes that was my son 10 years ago.
Sounds normal and he can drive.
He's doing really well
My son still doesn't drive but he passed his degree and works now.
Has a house share in his university city and a lovely girlfriend of a year.
He's happy most importantly.

orwellwasright · 21/05/2022 10:16

I thought you were going to say he was on crack or something. Or an incel.

SuperTiredAgain · 21/05/2022 10:17

Well OP, not sure if this helps, but I was a lazy 17 yr old. I was predicted As and Bs at Alevel, but did not work so mainly Bs,C's and a D in the end! I suppose it wasn't so much that I was lazy, I just hated school work and had so much else going on in my head. Teen times are hard times emotionally. School is loooooong and boring and by 17ist kids are over the constant monotony of it all, and the rules, being told what to do etc... Couple that with hormones, still living at home, boyfriends/girlfriends etc.. a d it's a tough time!

I have to say, I'm early 40s now! I went to uni at 18 through clearing (nearly didn't go, but in the end thought 'what the hell, might as well!) My work rate picked up a lot when I left home and I worked full time (40hrs per week) in a bar throughout my full time undergrad and am even now juggling 4 job roles alongside 2 kids and all their extra curricular stuff.. (I also managed to get my head round education too in the end, and even started enjoying to the point I even now have a doctorate!!)

I read a quote somewhere the other day - "don't judge my story by the chapter you walk in on". You son's story will no doubt have a hard working and happy ending, this is just a small chapter of his journey and one that sounds entirely normal for a 17 yr old.

Manekinek0 · 21/05/2022 10:18

Mine is a little younger but is completely unmotivated and lazy. If you ask him to load the dishwasher you would think he had been asked to run a marathon. I have no clue what he will end up doing but unless he has a drastic change of attitude I don't think it would be worth him going to uni.

Fulbe · 21/05/2022 10:19

He doesn't have to go straight to university. My brother worked in the Next warehouse after finishing school, that gave him an idea of what the 'real world' was like. He then worked really hard when he did go to uni and got a good degree. I know it's hard but they have to make their own mistakes in order to learn.

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