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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask what your 17 year old DS is like. I’m afraid I’ve failed as a parent.

87 replies

Veryfullon · 21/05/2022 09:14

My DS is doing A’levels (1st year of them). He’s clever so is doing OK by doing the bare minimum but could be doing really well with a bit of extra effort. He was planning on university after school but shows no interest in looking at courses etc but also has no other ideas for what he wants to do after school. As university open days etc are coming up soon he needs to start thinking about it but just can’t be bothered.
He has absolutely no idea about money and responsibilities. He earns a small amount in a Saturday job he does every other week then goes out with his girlfriend and spends loads on clothes and expensive meals. His savings (birthday and Christmas money) are dwindling away as he’s not earning anywhere near enough to support this. If I ask him if he’s interested in earning extra money by doing a job for me he’s always reluctant and can’t be bothered.
I’m truly worried I’ve raised a lazy, entitled lad with no drive😔

OP posts:

Mumwantingtogetitright · 21/05/2022 10:22

Sounds pretty normal to me. My dd is 17 and pretty driven. Her boyfriend is less driven than she is but more so than most of the other boys they know. He has a job, no idea what he does with the money, whether he saves or spends etc. He has chosen unis and sorted out open days, and seems to work pretty hard on his a level stuff. They are both very social so spend a lot of time with friends, but they're also both busy so don't spend hours and hours hanging out with each other.

I reckon about half of the boys in their group have jobs and most have no idea what they want to do/where they want to study. They spend a lot of time hanging out with friends. In dd's view, this is better than some of the boys in other groups who seem to spend every waking hour gaming. It sounds to me like your ds is doing just fine!

Vikinga · 21/05/2022 10:26

Sounds fine to me! He's studying, working, has a girlfriend, what more do you want? Yes, many of us could have gotten better grades if we had worked hard but life is about balance and not putting all our effort into one thing.

Their mental health is also important, for example.

Don't make him feel like he's a disappointment or he'll start believing he is that.

Praise what he does to encourage more of the same.

AbuelaGetTheUmbrellas · 21/05/2022 10:31

@Veryfullon Sounds like he is very intelligent and therefore has never had to develop grit and determination to complete tasks. Unfortunately he can only rely on his natural ability for so long, there will come a point where effort and motivation will be required, it could be at A levels, could be at uni, could be when he enters the world of work - the point is that he will need to develop that motivation in order to succeed when things get hard. You need to teach him that now, it’s a life skill he needs to learn.

PattyDuke · 21/05/2022 10:31

He's done really well at 17 to have passed his driving test - with covid, backlog with tests - he should be congratulated. He needs to look at the A levels he is studying, the grades he might get and where they might take him.

SkoolShoes · 21/05/2022 10:32

I work in a Sixth Form. If he is Year 12 as long as he is on time, attending lessons, engaged in classes and not skipping the careers/tutor time/PHSCE stuff he is doing OK.

Check his lesson attendance. Check his reports. If you are constantly getting absence notices from school/college (check your spam in case automated messages are falling into there) or he is always late - he needs to improve. If his school reports are in in the "not good enough" area - he needs to improve.

If all these are on track then he is OK. He is getting by on his brains. He maybe able to fit the homework/coursework in during frees/study periods. This is OK.

But Y12 is often a transition into how to work independantly. The motivation to crack on and put some effort in often does come when he has a goal.

Has he had Y12 exams yet - maybe the results of those will prod him into working a bit harder?

And maybe you do need to sit down with him and chat through post-18 options. Look at your school website - is there a SIxth Form newsletter/bulletin? Ask him to, by the end of half-term or after his Y12 exams, have 3 unis he wants to visit and you will help him arrange them. He is not commiting to going to those - but it will give him an idea of what is on offer. And if not, what is he doing - degree apprenticeships? Ask if he needs to see the careers advisor (there should be one at school/attached to school). If he refuses, then ask him to arrange to meet with his tutor or head of year to get some guidance.

Give him a deadline to work to and some ideas of targets.

Money/job - let him run out. Don't lend him any but offer jobs as a way of earnign (or he can come an weed my front drive if he likes...I'll pay him a tenner). Come Y13 he maybe better focussing on school work that part-time jobs anyway - so as long as he is building some experience I wouldn't fret too much about this.

Doingmybest12 · 21/05/2022 10:33

Sounds fairly normal, what is wrong with spending birthday and Christmas money, it is his to enjoy. Frustrating maybe if not getting on with uni choices but not unusual.

SkoolShoes · 21/05/2022 10:36

I work in a Sixth Form. If he is Year 12 as long as he is on time, attending lessons, engaged in classes and not skipping the careers/tutor time/PHSCE stuff he is doing OK. By the way - it is not that we have low standards saying this is "OK". It is that he is, but not being absent and getting his work done, doing what is asked of him in school, on time, to an acceptable level. Yes he is not going above/beyond, which can be frustrating as hell. But he is not rebelling/refusing/setting himself up to fail. Often the drive to succeed comes in Y13 or later. Doing OK now means he is not self-sabotaging now. Which for a 17 year old boy can be the most we ask for at the moment. Doing OK means don't turn it into a battle right now. As it will not work.

Attwoodsladyfriend · 21/05/2022 10:38

If my sons are like yours is at 17, I’ll be considering that I’ve done a tremendous job.

Purplepurse · 21/05/2022 10:46

It does all sound pretty normal and the fact that he works is good. However my teens and most of their friends were really motivated about university and attending open days. I might be questioning whether he really wants to go? If not perhaps he needs another plan.

QueenofLouisiana · 21/05/2022 10:47

DS is 17 in a few weeks. Is doing a levels and is a lot more interested in studying than I thought he would be, but he knows what he wants to do at uni and do has motivation to get on it. Open days booked this week and he’s planned how to get there by train (has specific learning difficulties do this has had to be specially taught).
But, little interest in his job (a few hours on Sundays), spends all his earnings!
Too much time gaming for my liking, but it’s how he socialises.

Crispynoodle · 21/05/2022 10:48

He sounds like a fantastic boy! I think boys need to be given a break, they have so much going on my son didn't settle down until his early 20s. Why not suggest a gap year and take all that pressure off him? I think boys need a bit more time to grow up sometimes

MysteriousMonkey · 21/05/2022 10:49

Mine is very similar to yours!

FlemCandango · 21/05/2022 10:50

I have a 17 yo ds but he is y13, so exams started this week (August birthday). He is not like your son op but I wouldn't expect him to be. DS is autistic he doesn't have a girlfriend, or any interest in going out and spending on clothes etc. He is in a local chess club so that gets him out, he games online lots. He is very motivated academically so has applied for university and has offers (Warwick is first choice), he is doing 4 A levels plus extra maths related exams. He is helpful around the house if asked, extremely polite but can be difficult due to some idiosyncrasies and sensory issues. He has learned how to make Pizza from scratch and is really sweet with his younger sisters (mostly).

But he has not been very independent yet. When I was his age I has been going out with friends for years, spent weekends away, went to my first festival (Glastonbury), navigated the world of public transport and drinking and boys etc. DS has not, he will have a very different University experience to me (may remember more of it!). He worries me because he is very intelligent but I am not sure he has the tools for dealing with life fully in place and he will need a lot of support.

My point is our kids all worry us in different ways and they will probably all be fine in different ways. I try not to judge Ds by my own experience and goals, there are many ways to live. Our young people have to make their own way, and importantly make their own mistakes. DS will not spend Freshers week getting trashed, he will quietly and determinedly set up a chess club if one doesn't already exist. He will be fine, and if he isn't we will be there for him.

AlecTrevelyan006 · 21/05/2022 10:56

Sounds pretty normal

NotMeNoNo · 21/05/2022 11:00

I'm another who would be really pleased if my teens were managing a job, a functional relationship and the prospect of university. He may not have much grit /drive in evidence, but these things are discovered, not taught by parents. And need a bit of struggle to bring them out.

You have given him the best example you can and he needs to find his own motivation, it's part of growing up.

LakieLady · 21/05/2022 11:13

Every parent of teens I've ever known has said similar, OP.

I think it's far better to take a while to decide what they want to do than to get on a course that is wrong for them and then drop out after the first year. My DSS did just that and then trained to be a tree surgeon.

ponkydonkey · 21/05/2022 11:19

Sounds completely normal to me.. mine was the same at 17!
He'll change over the next year or so... I just let my son have fun whilst at college knowing that soon he'll be out in the real world and he became more motivated to work as time went on

Hunderland · 21/05/2022 11:21

These are truly such small issues - some 17 year olds would give you a nervous breakdown!

The key thing is that he is motivated to do what HE wants to do (drive / relationship / study / work) - he's figuring it all out.

MissChanandlerBong80 · 21/05/2022 11:21

I really don’t think you’ve failed. He has a job, has passed his driving test and is doing well at school. 17 year olds aren’t known for their motivation and forward planning.

Libertybear80 · 21/05/2022 11:29

We have low expectations for teenage boys I think as a society. We're supposed to be happy with them as long as they are not in the pits of suicidal despair it seems these days.

Sswhinesthebest · 21/05/2022 11:34

My ds wouldn’t have been mature enough to go straight to uni at 18. As it happened he changed college course after one year, so started uni at 19. His attitude changed completely during that extra year. He really grew up and applied himself to work.

There is no point nagging him. He’s got a job and is enjoying his youth as most kids that age do. He’ll only change if he wants to, and actually you being continually on his back, may make him dig his heals in more.

Sswhinesthebest · 21/05/2022 11:35

Heels

SkoolShoes · 21/05/2022 11:41

Libertybear80 · 21/05/2022 11:29

We have low expectations for teenage boys I think as a society. We're supposed to be happy with them as long as they are not in the pits of suicidal despair it seems these days.

But surely pressuring them to do things they are not sure about/want to do has been shown to a)not work and b)be detrimental to their mental health.

We wouldn't complain about a 14 month old not walking independantly, just because some are. Expecting 16/17 year olds to have 100% focus and drive on what they want to do for the rest of their lives is a ridiculous expectation. Some will. Others, as long as they are keeping doors open by doing OK - is actually OK. It is great. And means they stay healthy mentally. Or do not disengage.

fatherfintanstack · 21/05/2022 11:43

I was just like this at 17! Bright, unmotivated, no clue what I wanted and more interested in my bf and partying. It took me a while.to work it out but I did, went to a really good, quite specialist uni in my early 20s, masters, successful first career and am now retraining as a doctor. He sounds on roughly the right lines, doing his A levels, working, having interests and a social life, developing in the round. He can't force it if he doesn't know what he wants long term. Honestly, he's fine. It's not about your failure or success as a parent, it's about him coming to his own realisations about what he wants from life.

BitOutOfPractice · 21/05/2022 11:46

Don’t you remember being 17 OP? I Mean I was working fairly hard at A levels but I most definitely spent all my money from a poxy Saturday job at the pub on clothes, and wanted to hang out with friends and boyfriend all the time. I think he sounds 100% normal.

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