To ask what your 17 year old DS is like. I’m afraid I’ve failed as a parent.

[Veryfullon]

My DS is doing A’levels (1st year of them). He’s clever so is doing OK by doing the bare minimum but could be doing really well with a bit of extra effort. He was planning on university after school but shows no interest in looking at courses etc but also has no other ideas for what he wants to do after school. As university open days etc are coming up soon he needs to start thinking about it but just can’t be bothered.
He has absolutely no idea about money and responsibilities. He earns a small amount in a Saturday job he does every other week then goes out with his girlfriend and spends loads on clothes and expensive meals. His savings (birthday and Christmas money) are dwindling away as he’s not earning anywhere near enough to support this. If I ask him if he’s interested in earning extra money by doing a job for me he’s always reluctant and can’t be bothered.
I’m truly worried I’ve raised a lazy, entitled lad with no drive😔

He sounds pretty typical for that age. He knows what he has to do so it’s over to him, he’s old enough to take responsibility for his actions.
My DS at 17 was pretty similar and he’s doing very well for himself.

Is he doing mocks in the next few weeks? Sometimes the clever kids are shocked at this point as it's much harder to cruise through A levels than GCSEs.

At 17 I had a job, a boyfriend and a very active social life. I did the bare minimum in school, was hungover pretty much every Thursday and on me than one occasion, staggered into school or my Saturday job a couple of hours after going to bed. I did v well in my a levels, but then I also knew that uni was a way out of my shit town.

He sounds fairly normal to me.

What's the catch? Is he disrespectful, jerk, breaking and stealing stuff, drinking and smoking late at night, ignoring boundaries.

Cause based on your op it sounds like he is just not as much of a self starter as you'd like. He has a job, gf, going to school. Using the money he has earned. So he doesn't do housework unless asked and hasn't looked into universities open days. Thats hardly entitled and lazy.

A levels can be exhausting. If he is likely to work in a year out let him do that and then come to a decision whether to study more of carry on working.

I find both my ds's lazy and entitled. Dh and I keep plugging away....eg prompting them, insisting on politeness, that they do their jobs (ds2 has to pair socks and take piles of washing to peoples bedrooms - so hardly energy zapping. Seems to make little difference. Everyone I know says their dc are he same.

My 17 year old ds was utterly vile 90% of the time. Belligerent, argumentative, no idea of the value of money, anti-authority, fairly rude to us and about our values.

Ten years on he's charming, diligent, ambitious, decent and thoroughly nice.

Just keep doing what you are doing. This too shall pass.

The fact he is wanting to go to uni is good as my 13 year d has already told me he won't be!!!

i think he sounds normal .. but understand the worry as that's what mothers do!

He sounds very similar to mine. He has actually dropped out of his A-levels and is doing an apprenticeship now because he wants more money (to spend on things like expensive trainers and £300 jackets, it seems).

He is generally entitled with a bit of an attitude problem though and I do despair as I didn’t think I’d brought him up to be like this.

He did have a part-time job, which was evenings, but he was indignant about being expected to work on some Friday and Saturday nights as “that is when I go out”. I’m not quite sure who he thinks he is a lot of the time!

Maybe the apprenticeship will be a good thing as he will be putting in physical effort, but he is already moaning about this.. He seems offended by the idea that he will have to work to earn a living.

Reading your post actually gives me some comfort, as the other teenagers we know are much more motivated than this!

Knowing what you want to do, at 17, presumably doesn't happen to many/most/the majority?

Pup, no mocks are over. The actual proper exams started this week and go for the next few weeks/ month or so.

Sounds like my ds at 17, except he didn’t have a job

He is now 22 with his own flat and working in a responsible job with prospects. He never did pull his finger out re. Uni courses because he didn’t want to go. His A level results were as predicted (mediocre). No amount of nagging and reminding made a jot of difference. Don’t waste your time and energy. They find their own way.

I'd say he's doing pretty well he's doing his A levels , has a job, a girlfriend and a driving licence. Although my standards are pretty low and I'd be happy aslong as he wasn't doing crack or in prison.

He sounds like a typical teenager. My older one wouldn't even get himself a Saturday job.

Fkin hell he has college, a job, a girlfriend and has already passed his driving test at 17. What more do you bloody want from him? That he saves a house deposit to move out and stand on his own two feet at 18?

At 17 my DS had just failed his first year of A levels. He had also struggled to get a part time job (how much that was lack of availability, how much lack of trying I'm not sure.

Anyway - he obtained a modern apprenticeship scheme (like the old YTS) and got into the workplace . 3 years later he is still there, having been promoted, was one of the people kept on during Covid when others were furloughed and has recently had a huge profit share.

He is living independently with his girlfriend .

What I'm saying is that sometimes A levels and university aren't always right for everyone. A boy who was lazy in school as he didn't enjoy the work can excel at other things .

My 3rd 17yr old is about to turn 18. They were all different.
I don't think OP should feel bad.

I recommend STOP NAGGING. It's harming you more than it helps him. You can still encourage, ask "how can I help?" and point out the bleeding obvious "If you don't study you won't get the grades you want" but rest is his decision. You can't make the horse drink no matter how nice the water looks.

DS... the 6th form teachers say they never saw any kid turn around so much. From no engagement with Uni planning & expected bad final grades in yr12 to 4 offers & potential AAA* now (much more likely ABB). I did heck all except encourage engagement. Return to in-person education helped. His only Uni visits were as offer-holder. He first drafted his PS about 6 days before it was due.

Sounds normal to me. My 17 year old seems to game, cycle and push weights but just got A*BB in mocks so I am leaving him to it. He wants to work in computing so will spend the rest of his life on a screen. He got as far as aSainsburys interview recently but then realized he had to commit to 22 hours fixed pattern weekly so back to scratch on job front.

Sounds normal tbh. At that age my dds both worked, one did 4 hours a week and the other about 12 hours a week. I gave them £20 pm a week on top and their money was theirs to spend however they please. They both went to uni but both knew what they want to study from the start.

Driving, girlfriend and job would thrill me. Mine is also 17, also August born about to do Alevels.. He is brainy but still hasn't knuckled down to revision. He games far too much. Had a summer job last year and hated it so isnt working at the moment. We don't know if he will go to uni this time and I don't know what will happen with him. I worry too and get exasperated but I keep trying to be gentle with him. It is a very unsettling time for them I think

He does practically nothing to help around the house without being asked.

nobody does.

17yo DS was hard work, I felt that I was always nagging and he was rude and entitled. If it’s any consolation he’s now 19 and is sooooo much better, kind, funny and has gone to uni. He’s not perfect but I think 17 was a weird old age, he really needed some space from us to make his own mistakes if you see what I mean.

I also think he was a bit stressed by A’levels and school pressure and that stress sometimes came out as grumpiness.

Good luck.

OP I have 4 sons all fully formed adults, all intelligent, all capable, all nightmares in their own way as teens, don't worry about your DS he sounds pretty normal.
Re Uni, 3 of mine went and baled out for different reasons.
The ones who left Uni are all doing jobs they enjoy, are all well paid and own their own homes in the SE.
I know that a lot of employers take the view that an A level student with passes, is a better bet than a graduate, they can pay them less as they are younger and they take to in house training better than a graduate!
Obviously a lot of careers require a degree, but there is nothing to stop your DS taking his time to decide what exactly he wants to do, he is more likely to make the right decision, and if he goes to Uni he is going to study something relevent to his future.
He sounds pretty okay to me, stop worrying!