Money....

[usernamexxx86]

Do you and your OH share all money?

I ask this because... long term relationship, 2DC, I work part time due to childcare and partner works full time earning over 4 x my wage. However he puts about a third of his wage into the joint account and saves the rest in an individual account.

AIBU to be think both of our salaries should go to the joint account?

Funnily enough we had this conversation this morning. We share all money, DH is a high earner, I took a long career break to look after the children, and now they are a bit older I work part time - could work full time but we both like me having free time to keep on top of things so our weekends aren't under the washing basket

I appreciate that other couples do it, I don't really understand why but I'm sure they have their reasons. The reason we were talking about it, is we have a friend who's struggling in her very manual tough job working now (in her 50's). She's had a bit of Ill health recently and is desperate to cut her hours. Her DH is a high earner, but the set up is her wages pay for what the children need and anything she wants, so she personally can't afford to reduce her wage. Personally I think that's a real shame and I'm a bit disappointed her DH isn't seeing how much she's struggling and finding a way to make life a bit easier for her (I know he isn't helping, as she's told me!)
I just can't imagine not helping your spouse? In the same way, it DH wanted to cut back for whatever reason, I'd work more hours to balance that out.

Totally depends on the circumstances. If you have two kids under 5, work 26 hours a week and this was a joint decision, the situation is not right.

If your kids are over 10 years old, you work 16 hours or less and he has stated he thinks you should up your hours but you don't want to, that's a different matter.

Why is it always 'you sacrificed your career'
and never 'he sacrificed time with his children'

?

And the car is for use of the family in that it gets him to work and takes you on days out?

And how else would he save for a car, exactly?

You want it in a joint account, but if it's savings then why would you need access if they are to be saved instead of spent?

What about your savings? What about your pension?
You are on lower income due to providing childcare... yet put the same amount in to join expenses... so that he can put a whopping 2/3 of his salary into his personal savings account.
Completely unfair.

I'm 61 and the DC are grown.
We have never had a joint account. When we got married I earnt more than DH who was at the start of his career. I also owned my own home so we had a pre-nup. We had our first dc at 34/35. I gave up work because ds1 was ill as a baby.

I was a SAHM for 7/8 years. DH paid all the bills. I bought the food, paid for dc outgoings, stuff for the house, etc, oh and haircuts and dentist and so on. At the end of the month I gave him the receipts and a bill and he wrote me a cheque.

When I went back to work I earnt very little, as I opted to combine it with taking professional quals. He never asked for a penny contribution but gradually I took over the DC's extra curricular stuff, bought mine and the DC's clothes and started paying the bills on my car. He bought my cars until 2019 (2) when I bought my own.

Our earnings are more equal now. He pays the council tax, insurances and utilities, pays the gardener and cleaner and I buy our food, fund my car and pay for the odd holiday.

I have a rough idea of what he has and he has a rough idea of what I have. We have never ever had an argument about money because we have similar tastes and I never felt short changed because if I'd have wanted something he wouldn't have demurrage. Although an eyebrow was raised when he bought a very expensive sports car without consultation except for "I really fancy one of those". But it was his money and I have never wanted for anything.

@andtheycalledthewindmoriah
I agree. Sacrificing your career is a decision as is being a SAHM.

But specifically I'm wondering how come the narrative on here is always not having a career is this huge sacrifice, but not seeing your children that much is just assumed as normal. Why is that not also a sacrifice?

When we were both working full time we both put the same percentage of our wage into our joint I think it was like 70% then anything left over in joint went to treats and joint savings. So we paid different amounts but the same percentage of that makes sense? However since I’ve been on maternity my husband puts his entire wage into joint account apart from about £100 to cover personal DD like subscriptions he has.

It appears to me that many men don't even think about the changes that will happen when they become parents.

That their children will need looking after, collecting from nursery, school etc within working hours on a planned and unplanned basis.

Some seem to think that they are doing the mothers of their children a huge favour by agreeing to them being a SAHM or work part time and don't see that the alternative is that their partners could choose to continue to full time, then they'd need to be paying half of childcare bills and doing half of everything at home as well as the unplanned sick days etc.

But these types of men want their cake and eat it, their wives continue to earn a full time wage and do everything on the home front, leaving them free to continue on work without any home responsibilities impeding on their time or headspace.

• Why is it always 'you sacrificed your career' and never 'he sacrificed time with his children' *

For the simple reason that the career is what gives you a chance of earning the way he does. And building up savings and making pension contributions. Like he does for himself. But not for you.

Inside marriage this can be negotiated.

Outside marriage, the lower earner has no protection in the event of divorce and only reversible protection in the event of his death.

That's not a good place to be, for the partner who has not been in a position to build savings and pension.

It's shameful that so many men are still allowed to even encouraged to treat the mother of their child in this way.

@BarbaraofSeville I don't entirely agree. Neither DH or I have ever cleaned. Even when I was a SAHM he paid the cleaner. Also, I was able to be a SAHM principally due to the 15 year highly paid career I had before we had the children, much of it before I met him. I was financially independent in my own right upon marriage. That so many women aren't and are not encouraged to be, or at least they weren't in 1981 when I bought my first property, is the issue.

DH has always regarded me as his equal and we have always been a team. I became a SAHM because I wanted to and had set things up so I could be.

We both put a set amount into joint for bills. He has more left after this but puts more into savings. We're married and think of the money as joint wherever it is. We had an extension recently which was paid from savings that technically only he had paid into. I have enough disposable to buy the things I want and save some. If I didn't then we'd have to rethink.

We always have the same amount of ‘pocket money’ I don’t understand couples who do percentages of their incomes, are you each doing a percentage of the child rearing/housework/house admin on top of your job. It shouldn’t matter that you earn differing amounts, if you love and respect one another then you should want each other to have the same amount of money. One person shouldn’t have to be scrabbling around for cash.

So basically he gets free childcare through you and pays half the bills split with you ? And you're earning a PT wage whilst his FT... ? He's taking advantage of you and this is beyond selfish and unreasonable

Together 16 years, married 8. 2 kids in childcare.

We get paid in to individual accounts. We pay a portion of this in to the joint account where all bills are paid from except individual bills (now TV and phone for him, phone & gym for me). We pay proportionate to our income -60/40 currently.

The rest is split:

Joint savings
Joint stocks & shares
Kids accounts
Individual stocks and shares
Individual savings
Monthly spends (coffee, take away, drinks out, clothes, phone, gym etc).

I think if you're paying bills equitably, where you get paid in to doesn't particularly matter.

Yes exactly - do people expect the higher earner to be able to live a more luxurious lifestyle and the lower earner to scrimp and save? It doesn’t make sense - it’s supposed to be a partnership.

We have always broadly earned the same. Both out same amount in bills account and both have same about for own spending.

This has always worked as it has always been equal. But I do wonder what would have happened if one of us had higher or lower earning capacity how we would approach it.

@Merryclaire no but when our dc were small and I was a SAHM, DH's profession dictated that he had to be very well dressed whilst I spent the best part of five years pg or on the floor with the children. I barely needed more than leggings, jeans and tops.

@RosesAndHellebores fair point, but that’s just more like practicality dictating clothes budget. What would be weird is if you had a wedding to go to and having to get your outfit from a budget store while DH shopped designer - because you weren’t ‘earning’!
You might rather do that anyway, but I don’t understand how there can be a lifestyle imbalance in a real partnership.
If one person is taking the mick and using their partner’s high income as an excuse to lie around the house internet shopping, then that’s another matter that points to deeper issues in the relationship.

I suppose that's why our system worked for us op. DH would never have done that and in fact once asked me if I was OK about the fact that he had just been north of a grand on a suit, pair of shoes and two work shirts (about 96) when I'd bought a pair of jeans, a pair of leggings and a couple of jerseys from M&S for the winter. I was perfectly fine about it when the dc were using my clothes to wipe their snot. He also didn't have an issue with me buying a nice frock for christening or wedding but there again, I had my own money to do that. To be fair he always bought me a frock for his annual work do. But that had everything to do with his ego.

I agree with this.

These conversations need to happen before children.

We do bills and savings as a % of our income because it means we get equal pocket money because I contribute less to the costs of child care and mortgage.

Either split up and make sure he supports the children properly or get married. Quickly. At least that way you'll have more chance of benefiting from all the money he's squirrelled away, ably enabled by your providing a free domestic service for him.

Do you put a third of your salary into the joint account?