Money....

[usernamexxx86]

Do you and your OH share all money?

I ask this because... long term relationship, 2DC, I work part time due to childcare and partner works full time earning over 4 x my wage. However he puts about a third of his wage into the joint account and saves the rest in an individual account.

AIBU to be think both of our salaries should go to the joint account?

We've been married 23 years and have 4 kids , never had a joint account. We each pay some bills, he earns more so pays the higher ones. If i need topping up he just transfers some over. The only think I don't like is that he has access to savings ( his inheritance) wheras I don't.

Fair is 80% - 20%

@MakingItHappen123 yeah exactly that... I've never thought anything of it since recently

We are not yet married, engaged but due to covid couldn't book wedding, been together 13 years

Covid was only since 2020 what about before then?

Have you thought of your pension provision at all? Does he contribute to yours to equalize these all important savings?

You are making yourself very vulnerable, and the fact that he seems to think only of feathering his own nest is deeply concerning. As in planning to buy property and an expensive car for himself...

Covid is a red herring. Don't confuse getting married with having a wedding. The two of you could have got married if he wanted to.

It might be too late for you, but incase anyone else is reading this , the time to decide these arrangements is before you bother parenting responsibilities which, oh look, always seem to impact more on the woman's career, salary and pension, hence on her overall standard of living.

Please, don't do this. Get agreement about how it's going to work upfront.

Sorry 'bout that. I had hoped people in my generation would have learned this. I'm in my sixties and very sorry to keep reading about women in this precarious position.

It makes me want to weep.

@FlowerArranger i know, but i am under the impression that if he wants to get a nice car he works for it etc so he should be able too ... then I'm tied with it should all be family money etc which makes me feel like I'm a bad person ( which I know it should not )

Sorry I'm not making much sense I just don't know what to do

What do you mean individual account?

My husband and I have individual accounts. No joint account. And he has a savings account in HIS name only, but it's for US as a family.

What does your partner say about this savings account? What's it for? Who's it for?

No, you're right; if he works at a job and earns money, then he is entitled to treat himself from that.

As you are with your money.

Treating oneself is obviously done after all family expenses are taken care of.

@andtheycalledthewindmoriah he has said he likes to just save maybe for investing one day and if he wanted to buy a new car

We put x amount each into joint account for all household bills, family days out etc, I end up with more spending money each month, but my DD lives with us 90% of the time, so this extra pays mainly for her bits (oh maintenance for his 2 comes out of the joint account and he pays for anything else for his 2 out of his own spending money), Xmas/birthday, we generally pay for our own children's presents. We don't have any children together.
I'm the higher earner and do more hours than OH, so he's the one who does more of the cooking, school runs etc for my dd and is about more for my DD when I'm working late.
This works for our family, but know it wouldn't work for others!!

Well that isn't very fair at all.
My partner earns a lot less than me. Probably about £2,000 less per month so I will always transfer a few hundred pounds more to the joint account each month. I will also pay for holidays, the car, etc as I know my partner doesn't earn as much.

You definitely could do with having a conversation about this, because what you've described doesn't sound fair or equal at all. Especially when you have children together and you're working less due to childcare.

We pay proportionally into the joint account, so we both have the same disposable income left, which is ours to do with as we please.

If you pay proportionally into the join account, only if you earn exactly the same are you left with the same disposable income.

If your incomes are uneasily, you will have the same proportion of your income going in bills and left over to use as you like.

That is not the same as the same disposable income. I'm sure you realise this, but I've added this explanation just incase anyone else benefits from it.

@usernamexxx86

Your career is taking the hit for childcare for his DC. And he expects you to pay 50% bills.

Tell me this isn't true.

I think both should put in 50% of their wage into the joint account and then have 50% in their individual accounts.

That would mean he’s got more in his individual account. But he’s also putting more in the joint account and paying more towards the mortgage that you’ll benefit from.

Why is the default to go full-time? Sounds like cutting your nose off to spite your face to me. I'd rather die than work full-time again.

I can see why men complain about this site. The mothers of their children turning round demanding they hand over their paypackets out of nowhere.

Why is it that everyone whose a STAHM or part time always believe they are instrumental to their partners careers and so should get financial recompense for that?

The implication is that the woman is the one whose career has taken the hit on childcare, including all those time when you couldn't work late. When you had to leave early in order to pick up the children.

Show me the man who shares this and the housework 50:50 and I'll take back my words.

Within our extended family, we have a couple who work in the same practice. They have had four children. She had done most of the childcare including emergencies when one child or another is ill. Her career has stagnated, she has effectively gone contract so can work only her hours with the hit on pension.

Meanwhile he has been promoted and is very well thought of. Is that fair?

And he has a savings account in HIS name only, but it's for US as a family.

@andtheycalledthewindmoriah

How does that work ? Do you have access to those funds or does he control them? What would happen if you separated. Or even if you just had a difference of opinion about how to use them or even how to invest them ?

We have a 5 year old DD, not married. Been together 11 years.

I earn double my partners salary. We both work full time. Him £30k, me £60k.

We both pay proportionate amounts to the household bills, for example, bills come to 2k, I pay £1200, he pays £800 (pays his own phone, car, insurance etc).

Whatever is left is mine and he keeps his. Like fuck is he having unfettered access to my earnings after bills. I didn't get to where I am now to hand the majority of my salary over otherwise where's the incentive to better my earning potential. I put a lot in savings but that's for me and my daughter should things go tits up. If things work out over the course of our life then great, he's in for a nice retirement with me.

If he worked part time due to looking after our DD or whatever then it would be a different scenario, but as it stands we pay for childcare (childminder after school).

This won't be a popular opinion on here but we prefer it, if we want to buy something for ourselves we don't have to discuss it with each other, holidays we both contribute to.

@FinallyHere

Sorry but this statement is bollocks and is because women allow men get away with it. My DP did 50% childcare because he had to and I’m not presenting him as some martyr perfect partner because he’s not. But he’s not a dickhead and I had expectations.

Show me the man who shares this and the housework 50:50 and I'll take back my words.

It's not fair for you to pay 50/50 on bills. It needs to be proportionate to your earnings.

Whilst I don't agree that all his disposable should be shared, I do agree that you shouldn't be paying an equal % of the outgoings.

Childcare should be included in the joint outgoings as that's not just your burden to pay, then you could work full time and increase your own earning potential.

I’d be getting married asap

How does that work ? He earned it, he saves it. I don't want a joint account.

Do you have access to those funds or does he control them? What would happen if you separated. -I think, and he's said, that he would continue to support our child via myself, but I would probably do more work and get more money, especially when he had our daughter, and bring my earnings up from what they are now.

Or even if you just had a difference of opinion about how to use them or even how to invest them ? We would discuss it as a married couple and reach a joint decision. But it's primarily for a mortgage.

Currently I earn very little self-employed, and I like it that way because I would rather be at home with my family than out working.

He pays for all big things like holidays and parties.

Same as Kite22