Money....

[usernamexxx86]

Do you and your OH share all money?

I ask this because... long term relationship, 2DC, I work part time due to childcare and partner works full time earning over 4 x my wage. However he puts about a third of his wage into the joint account and saves the rest in an individual account.

AIBU to be think both of our salaries should go to the joint account?

Why does he need to share all his money?

Are they married? Does that make any difference if they are or are not?

Is there a reason you are taking such a massive hit to your earning potential, pension, savings without being married to the man who is benefitting for all of that?

This is a rare post to see generally on MN and in comparison to other posts on this thread where there seems to be an entitlement to his hard earned money. I'm not sure they are married and have already asked whether that makes a difference.

We have a spreadsheet as our incomes fluctuate a bit month to month due to certain allowances. Essentially both incomes go in at the top, all bills are then deducted, and household outgoings groceries etc, including specified amounts for savings for us and for DS, as well as an emergency fund. That then leaves an amount left which is divided in two so we get exactly the same personal spends, we each pay our own mobile bills from this and any hobby costs. I also save some of mine independently of DH and wouldn't expect to share that with him unless it was an emergency, it's more in case I want any big ticket items, trips with friends etc. He saves less of his than I do, but spends more on his hobbies and less on socialising in other ways, trips etc.
It works for us because all family expenses are covered and there's no analysis or judgement of what the other spends on fun stuff, so some financial freedom.
However we are married so it's all irrelevant really as legally it's all joint money anyway.

I'm the only earner at the moment and yes, we share all money. When we were first married we kept our own accounts, more out of laziness than anything else, but as soon as DD was on the way we pooled everything and have done ever since. There have been periods when I've not been working and now DH isn't working but contributes in other ways - there's no way I'd restrict his access to what I earn. But then I trust him not do anything stupid or spend carelessly.

I'm a SAHM. DH's wage goes into a joint account which we both have full access to. Before I was a SAHM I earned much less than him and everything still went into our joint account. It works perfectly for us. We don't have our own, private accounts.

We also both work full time over 4 days and cover equal amounts of childcare, pick ups and drop offs. I wouldn't have had children with a man who didn't take responsibility for his children, but I also wouldn't expect to not work full time. Surely conversations like this happen before children.

If you are not married then it does sound like you are in a vulnerable position, as you are sacrificing your career and earning potential to be the primary child carer. What would happen if you broke up?
Assuming he’s not trying to control you and keep you in your box (in which case you have a bigger issue) I suggest talking it over, explaining how vulnerable it makes you feel, and for the two of you to go and see a financial advisor together to come up with a fairer solution that protects you in the long term.
You have a big earnings imbalance but you are doing the important job of raising the kids and looking after the home - therefore it is not ‘his’ money, it is your family’s money. As is your salary. It is not healthy to live such separate financial lives when you are one family unit.

I earn 4x DH .....we split bills 50/50 but I pay all childcare as it's more than our mortgage. He has a lot less spending than me. That's life. If he wants more than he should have gone out and got 2 degrees a professional qualification and worked for it like i did and do. I pay for all big expenditures like house repairs, cara, holidays. Not like he's short changed but I'm sure a shit not making up his spending money

As one of my friends would say, you need to sort your shit out.

• not married
• working part-time
• no (albeit) informal agreement on equitable finances

Why? MN is littered with these threads. It’s amazing after DC and going part-time you are NOW having a realisation this not equitable.

You need to get married or alternatively figure out if your lifestyle choice of being PT is worth being screwed over financially and go back FT. I’d ask why you are part-time and not him or better sharing of childcare etc. but if I read one more response about his career and I don’t earn enough etc. I might vomit.

I genuinely hope you resolve it with your DP.

Yes, baby due in 3 weeks and about to go totally joint (we share everything 50/50 already anyway just a nightmare sending money back & forth)!

You're a family. Its a shared pot.

There's 'Our money' and there's ' My money' 🧐

Yes, we're married. What's mine is his and all that. I don't understand people in long-term relationships, with children, that don't do this.

I think is you are picking up childcare, housework etc and his career is prioritised then he needs to recognise the benefit of that and not be so mean with money.

We do things slightly differently and I am the higher wage earner, despite now being part time. We pay a different proportion of our income into a joint account for all bills and costs (food, going out as a family, mortgage, childcare etc). So big payments in each per month. I think our split is 60/40.

that leaves us with a similar amount as individual spending/saving money over which the other has absolutely no right to say anything. This is partially to stop him from being controlling over my expenditure.

We need to open a joint savings account at some point but not a priority for right now. we have a general sense that our money is one pot and we transfer in top ups to the joint account as needed or as we buy something bigger.

we do sometimes clash on money - my husband was awful when I was in my first mat leave. He recognises he was quite shit and the plan for my next Mat leave is different and he has repaid me some money. His general attitude is better but he is effectively ‘on notice’ about being difficult with money.

I feel for you OP, it is hard when you are the one earning less as no-one wants to be perceived to be grabby.

We are married, all kids are 'ours', we pool everything and always have. We are a partnership. Yes, he earns a lot more than me, but I have been instrumental in his ability to do that and his success. We always work on a 'what's yours is mine' approach.

It is not black and white. We know nothing about the situation.. Is he 100% on board with you working part time, is he happy being the main breadwinner, do you have the same financial ambitions, do you have the same opinion on the investment plans, what are your financial spending habits.. So many things to consider. I would never assume a lower earning partner (not even a spouse) should automatically be entitled to joint access to a higher earning partner.

DC are his. I am also on the mortgage... I have always earned less and we have always put exactly to the same amount into the joint account... upon reflection we should have done It percentage as that would have been fairer..

Even if he were to put more in he would make me feel bad about it ...

He’s a peach isn’t he?

Let me guess - marriage is a waste of time and money? Just a piece of paper?

Presumably you run out of money a lot faster than him, so does he pick up a lot of the fun things like meals and days out etc? Will he pay for your hair and things like that?

It would be fairer if he kept a third for himself and put two thirds in.

Do you have any money you do not put in?

Sorry if this has already been asked.

How old are your children?

Maybe consider going back to work full time if you want your own savings or spending money

DH earns several times what I do so he puts several times as much into the joint account by direct debit. This covers all household and child related stuff.
The rest of our monies is then for us to spend or save individually as we wish. So if he wants to spend £90 on a shirt I couldn't care less.

But you work part time and do more childcare.

Do you also do more cleaning, cooking, laundry, appointments, general management of the household etc?

Because that's also a valuable contribution that he benefits from if he doesn't have to think about how his children will be looked after while he's at work or goes away for any reason.

What about the other stuff? Does he have to think about washing his clothes and his childrens clothes, taking his children to the dentist, for haircuts, to buy shoes and school uniforms etc etc.

Don't put yourself in a poorer financial position than him because you undervalue your non financial contribution to the household.

We have separate accounts and split the bills pretty evenly across them. I am the more financially savvy one in the relationship so DH gets me to manage his savings and I shop around for deals and mortgage rates etc. I have full access to DHs accounts, he knows how much I have across mine. Every few months (normally if I see a new or better product or at the end of the financial year when portfolios need to be balanced) we look at our finances and discuss where we can improve and changing goals.

I personally need complete transparency and honesty. I'm very lucky that DH has similar views, aspirations and spending habits to mine. We do view all our money as a joint pot for our future. Other people want to keep their finances completely separate and that is also fine, as long as both parties are happy with that.

There do seem to be far too many women on here who are taking career breaks, paycuts, working part-time etc so they can take on the bulk of the childcare and their partners are still expecting them to contribute equally financially. In my view equal financial contributions should mean equal childcare responsibility.