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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this text sounds as if someone is trying to place blame on me?

111 replies

merlinsway · 20/05/2022 21:36

My son A (8) runs plays with another little boy B on the street who is also 8. B is in my house a lot, has had a sleepover and stays for full days/dinner frequently. I'm friendly enough with his mum, but it is very much just because our kids are friends.

The other night B came for dinner here then went home, afterwards I received a text from him mum saying that he is grounded for swearing at her twice and that she's really struggling with his behaviour, in her text she said 'please don't send A for B until I text you'. I said I understood and that was that.

Yesterday I received a message saying 'Hi Merlin. Hope you are well. B is wanting to play with A but I am not allowing him to watch tik tok or certain YouTube videos. Not sure if he is free to play and if you are OK with that?'

I just text back that was fine and that YouTube and TikTok wouldn't be on when he was at my house however my son wasn't free to play today. After speaking to my friend she said the text sounds pretty accusatory. As if she's saying it's my fault that her son swore at her due to what he is watching here.

To be honest, they don't sit and watch TV here, they are usually playing however at the sleepover they were watching YouTube at night but it was Norris nuts and everleigh etc. all age appropriate.

I admit I do let my son watch tik tok (don't need a lecture) and I understand not everyone will agree so I understand her point there's but I've had her son loads during the past year and she's never said to me that he isn't allowed to watch this.

The more I read the text the more I do think she's kind of putting blame on me? AIBU?

OP posts:

HandScreen · 20/05/2022 21:39

No, you're reading way too much into it.

Georgieporgie29 · 20/05/2022 21:40

I honestly don’t think it sounds accusatory. It sounds like she’s just letting you know so that he doesn’t sneak off to yours to watch stuff that he’s banned from doing.

LutherRalph1 · 20/05/2022 21:40

To me it seems like she is just asking you to help her stick to his punishment, and that he can't slope off to yours todo what she's banned

Freddiefox · 20/05/2022 21:41

Don’t apologise for letting your son watch tik tok. If she’s doesn’t want her son to watch it then she can have her fair share of the children round hers.

yes the text is coming across as blaming you, but texts are hard to read the tone sometimes. I would just back off for a bit, and let your son be less available.

Notimeforaname · 20/05/2022 21:42

She might be, she might not.

But no point wasting your time overthinking it. Either ask her out straight or move on

Morechocmorechoc · 20/05/2022 21:43

It sounds fine.

LIZS · 20/05/2022 21:44

No, you are overanalysing it. Kids that age shouldn't be watching them anyway. Maybe she did allow him occasionally but is realising her mistake.

KettrickenSmiled · 20/05/2022 21:45

Stop overthinking it. The text isn't accusatory - it's straightforward & upfront. She;d like her son to continue his friendship with yours, & is checking that you are happy with avoiding tiktok etc while he is with you.

If you're not happy to limit both boys' access to it, say no can do. That would be a shame because as you say, the boys enjoy actually playing in the real world, so it should be easy to say "no darling, we don't go on youtube when Jake is here" etc.

If your son enjoys his little pal's company, just let this glide past you. I imagine the mother likes having a playdate provider, so she's hardly going to kick off at you.

You don't need to analyse it, you don't need to lose any sleep over it, & you don't need to do anything but rerspond to her - either with -
"no sorry I am unable to guarantee the specific screen free time you require" or "no worries, we look forward to seeing him again, the boys don't ask for screens when they are together anyway, isn't it great!"

museumum · 20/05/2022 21:45

Nope. She’s just checking if her boundaries can be upheld at yours or not. Seems fair enough to ask?

Moonshine5 · 20/05/2022 21:47

Sounds like it is being implied.
Having said that she seems happy to continue playing together. Lots of parents feel need the need to shift accountability to others.
Not your problem.

iex · 20/05/2022 21:48

I didnt think it was, but its not sent to me. I probably would feel the same as you, but from the outside its fine

She probably spent ages trying to get the wording right

KettrickenSmiled · 20/05/2022 21:49

LutherRalph1 · 20/05/2022 21:40

To me it seems like she is just asking you to help her stick to his punishment, and that he can't slope off to yours todo what she's banned

What punishment, @LutherRalph1 ?

The mother isn't withholding access to tiktok & youtube as a punishment.
She simply doesn't allow her 8 year old child to access them unsupervised.

If you think preventing a young child from roaming free on youtube etc is a "punishment" you possibly need to do a course on parental boundary setting & safeguarding.

WhatNowwwww · 20/05/2022 21:50

LIZS · 20/05/2022 21:44

No, you are overanalysing it. Kids that age shouldn't be watching them anyway. Maybe she did allow him occasionally but is realising her mistake.

I think this is just as likely as it is that she’s trying to blame you. I’d try to forget it if it were me.

surreygirl1987 · 20/05/2022 21:57

It doesn't sound accusatory all. You're being really overdefensive. Plus you've admitted you let your son watch tiktok videos anyway...

Bournetilly · 20/05/2022 21:59

You are over thinking it. If she was blaming you she wouldn’t be wanting her son to play with yours either way.

IrishMama2015 · 20/05/2022 22:06

My DC is 8 and I do not allow them access to the internet. One of the things that worries me about play dates is that he will be exposed to the inappropriate online content at someone else's house. Sounds like this is the same for that mother. I would agonise on how to word that same text without offending anyone but basically I think she is asking if you can please not allow her DS internet access at your house. It's up to you if you want to agree or not

LutherRalph1 · 20/05/2022 22:07

@KettrickenSmiled to me it read as though this was "punishment" for him swearing etc, following the grounding. It was the phrasing of " I am not allowing him to watch" rather than "I do not allow" that made it seem temporary

I must have misinterpreted

easyday · 20/05/2022 22:12

Sounds perfectly fine to me.

Original poster

merlinsway · 20/05/2022 22:14

I just think there is a way to say things. For instance, 'hi merlin, hope you are well. B is allowed out now however, I'm not letting him watch YouTube or tik tok. Not sure if it's ever on at your house but if so could you do me a favour and not let B watch it? Want to see if his behaviour improves'

OP posts:

Rogue1001MNer · 20/05/2022 22:20

I don't think many parents of 8 yr olds would be happy letting their dc have unsupervised access to those sites

GayParis · 20/05/2022 22:21

You're adding 2 and 2 and getting bloody 300 here... absolutely nothing behind those texts except he's not getting his usual luxuries as he's being punished, she's just letting you know so you can stick to it for him too. Nothing remotely accusatory in the texts.

saraclara · 20/05/2022 22:21

merlinsway · 20/05/2022 22:14

Again, messaging is a crap way to communicate. Had the mum been in your presence you'd have had her tone of choice, her facial expression and her body language to make it clear what she meant.
You are putting the most negative spin on her words as you can. And messaging lets you do that.
Read that message again, but in a different tone of voice. Read it in an upbeat and friendly tone and you'll interpret it very differently.

Why your friend has encouraged you to read it in an accusatory tone of voice I don't know. She sounds a real shit stirrer.

GayParis · 20/05/2022 22:22

Rogue1001MNer · 20/05/2022 22:20

I don't think many parents of 8 yr olds would be happy letting their dc have unsupervised access to those sites

My 8 yo DD watches YouTube unsupervised because I trust her and have told her what is acceptable/unacceptable

godmum56 · 20/05/2022 22:28

I don't think it sounds accusatory at all. She has set some limits for her son and she is telling you about them.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 20/05/2022 22:37

I think you’re overthinking. There honestly isn’t much difference between the text you suggested and what she wrote. Your other friend is just trying to stir up drama where there really isn’t to; I’d be questioning her behaviour over the Mum of AB’s.

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