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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this text sounds as if someone is trying to place blame on me?

111 replies

merlinsway · 20/05/2022 21:36

My son A (8) runs plays with another little boy B on the street who is also 8. B is in my house a lot, has had a sleepover and stays for full days/dinner frequently. I'm friendly enough with his mum, but it is very much just because our kids are friends.

The other night B came for dinner here then went home, afterwards I received a text from him mum saying that he is grounded for swearing at her twice and that she's really struggling with his behaviour, in her text she said 'please don't send A for B until I text you'. I said I understood and that was that.

Yesterday I received a message saying 'Hi Merlin. Hope you are well. B is wanting to play with A but I am not allowing him to watch tik tok or certain YouTube videos. Not sure if he is free to play and if you are OK with that?'

I just text back that was fine and that YouTube and TikTok wouldn't be on when he was at my house however my son wasn't free to play today. After speaking to my friend she said the text sounds pretty accusatory. As if she's saying it's my fault that her son swore at her due to what he is watching here.

To be honest, they don't sit and watch TV here, they are usually playing however at the sleepover they were watching YouTube at night but it was Norris nuts and everleigh etc. all age appropriate.

I admit I do let my son watch tik tok (don't need a lecture) and I understand not everyone will agree so I understand her point there's but I've had her son loads during the past year and she's never said to me that he isn't allowed to watch this.

The more I read the text the more I do think she's kind of putting blame on me? AIBU?

OP posts:
YetAnotherNameChange111 · 21/05/2022 00:42

My 8 yo DD watches YouTube unsupervised because I trust her and have told her what is acceptable/unacceptable
She's 8, not 4. She knows fine well not to swear outside the house so again, I trust her

Poor kid. I despair. She is 8, not 18. Protect her ffs

Aubriella · 21/05/2022 00:49

I really like her text. The way she says ‘Not sure if he is free to play and if you are OK with that?'’ is so nice and considerate. She hasn’t assumed you will be ok with anything.

thevanilla · 21/05/2022 00:57

GayParis · 20/05/2022 22:22

My 8 yo DD watches YouTube unsupervised because I trust her and have told her what is acceptable/unacceptable Confused

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yikes

AntiHop · 21/05/2022 01:06

GayParis · 20/05/2022 23:46

Good god not "shit" Hmm

She's in her bedroom with her door open, so I could hear anything wildly inappropriate.

I don't mind what she watches as long as it's still based on gaming - really couldn't care if they swear! She's 8, not 4. She knows fine well not to swear outside the house so again, I trust her.

Show quote history

You are very naive. You trust your child, I don't dispute that. But the point is she could accidentally be exposed to inappropriate content.

My dd is 7. We have agreed YouTube channels that she can watch unsupervised, that I've checked out. She is not allowed any other channels.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 21/05/2022 01:18

I don't think there was anything wrong with her message and you're overthinking purely because your friend decided it was accusatory.

ThePoorWeeDonkey · 21/05/2022 01:48

I just read it as she's not letting him. Not being accusatory to you.

Earlydancing · 21/05/2022 01:59

merlinsway · 20/05/2022 22:14

I just think there is a way to say things. For instance, 'hi merlin, hope you are well. B is allowed out now however, I'm not letting him watch YouTube or tik tok. Not sure if it's ever on at your house but if so could you do me a favour and not let B watch it? Want to see if his behaviour improves'

Hi Merlin. Hope you are well. B is wanting to play with A but I am not allowing him to watch tik tok or certain YouTube videos. Not sure if he is free to play and if you are OK with that?'

I don't really see the difference between the two messages, except for "could you do me a favour". And you're writing your text with the idea that there was an accusatory motive behind her text. So you're giving it extra thought.

And until your friend hadn't stuck her shit-stirring oar in, you weren't bothered by her text. Dump your friend and don't read so much into texts.

cutebutscary · 21/05/2022 02:31

No I think she's just being direct, but at the same time is getting LOTS of free childcare from you which doesn't really put her in the position to be placing any kind of demands like that . I would probably say , they are together so much that I can't possibly supervise what they are watching every second of the day. I presume you are also running a house and will be doing all the tasks associated with that so how can you possibly supervise 24/7 it's a tricky one as it is a bit of a cheeky request, but at the same time, you don't want to spoil things for your son either

Blarting · 21/05/2022 04:34

merlinsway · 20/05/2022 22:14

I just think there is a way to say things. For instance, 'hi merlin, hope you are well. B is allowed out now however, I'm not letting him watch YouTube or tik tok. Not sure if it's ever on at your house but if so could you do me a favour and not let B watch it? Want to see if his behaviour improves'

But it is on at your house abs she knows it is, so why would she make out she didn't know if it was on or not?

Nancydrawn · 21/05/2022 04:46

Surely if she included the line 'Want to see if his behaviour improves' it could be taken as a sign that she thinks TikTok causes poor behaviour and your friend would say:

she says tiktok causes bad behaviour + you use tiktok = she thinks you're causing bad behaviour.

All of which is to say, she's made a reasonable request, politely and without accusation, and you're being unreasonable.

PickySlackTastic · 21/05/2022 04:55

I think her text is really good. Clearly worded and simple. Not at all accusatory. I prefer her text to your suggestion as hers feels more straight and direct.

You are reading too much into this. In general, do you have different boundaries/parenting styles? Its easy to feel defensive when you are the more relaxed parent.

MRex · 21/05/2022 05:23

No, not accusatory, enforcing a plan for her own DS.

I just think there is a way to say things
Text messages are short and simple communications. If you aren't able to use them without turning each phrase into drama, then let friends know to talk with you in person. Even then, be aware that people speak differently than each other, taking offence at random will upset your life more than anyone else's.

MRex · 21/05/2022 05:26

merlinsway · 20/05/2022 22:54

@SolasAnla that's the thing, I don't need a blunt note - I am an adult, I don't need to be scolded or made to feel like I'm doing something wrong in my own house by another adult.

You weren't scolded by your friend, you made that up in your own head. It isn't fair to blame her for you making stuff up.

Billandben444 · 21/05/2022 06:35

She has set her son boundaries and wants to know if you are OK supporting them when he's at your house. If you're not then say so and suggest your son comes to her instead for a bit. You have different ground rules to her but I don't see her text as accusatory - she's telling you where she thinks he gets his bad language/behaviour from so either agree with her or knock the visits on the head. My 14yr old GS has no access to tiktok as his mum still thinks it has unsuitable content even at his age and he's fine with it so it's not an essential part of growing up.

Somuddled · 21/05/2022 06:39

merlinsway · 20/05/2022 22:14

I just think there is a way to say things. For instance, 'hi merlin, hope you are well. B is allowed out now however, I'm not letting him watch YouTube or tik tok. Not sure if it's ever on at your house but if so could you do me a favour and not let B watch it? Want to see if his behaviour improves'

This message is WAY worse than hers. In hers she told you a fact about a rules she has set in place for her child. In your one, there is a suggestion that an action that might happen at your house had an impact on the child behaviour. With hers, your response could be an easy, 'Sure we can easily uphold that rule as we have the same one' without and defence. You text required the person to have to defend themselves and say 'No we haven't contributed to your child's bad behaviour'.

carefullycourageous · 21/05/2022 06:44

merlinsway · 20/05/2022 22:14

I just think there is a way to say things. For instance, 'hi merlin, hope you are well. B is allowed out now however, I'm not letting him watch YouTube or tik tok. Not sure if it's ever on at your house but if so could you do me a favour and not let B watch it? Want to see if his behaviour improves'

You are being rather petty - do you want to invent this argument for some reason?

I think you need to give your head a shake.

carefullycourageous · 21/05/2022 06:55

GayParis · 20/05/2022 22:22

My 8 yo DD watches YouTube unsupervised because I trust her and have told her what is acceptable/unacceptable Confused

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Oh wow, talk about abdicating responsibility!

Original poster
merlinsway · 21/05/2022 07:08

Lavenderlast · 20/05/2022 23:30

If you’re letting your 8 yr old watch tiktok unsupervised then he’ll be learning swearwords and probably has passed some onto his friend. I don’t think she’s accusing you, more trying to fix an unacceptable situation so the boys can continue to play together.

You honestly don't think 8 year olds are hearing swear words in the school playground? I certainly was.

OP posts:
Sally090807 · 21/05/2022 07:10

8 year olds shouldn’t be watching TikTok, some of the stuff on there is extremely dodgy.

Anonnnnnnm · 21/05/2022 07:13

She's probably not sure who to blame firstly, but ultimately I think she's just asking you to help her stick with her new rules. She obviously feels tiktok/ YouTube are contributing to behaviour (I can deffo say it does teach some bad habits / language / behaviour!!) and is trying to make she he's not exposed to it when she's not around.

Original poster
merlinsway · 21/05/2022 07:14

PickySlackTastic · 21/05/2022 04:55

I think her text is really good. Clearly worded and simple. Not at all accusatory. I prefer her text to your suggestion as hers feels more straight and direct.

You are reading too much into this. In general, do you have different boundaries/parenting styles? Its easy to feel defensive when you are the more relaxed parent.

Oh 100 percent I am a very relaxed parent so perhaps I am feeling defensive.

OP posts:
carefullycourageous · 21/05/2022 07:14

You are missing the point.
Of course kids hear things, that is completely different to it being an accepted part of their experience, endorsed by their parents' decisions to not supervise their viewing.

Letting a kid have unsupervised access to tiktok is self-evidently a suboptimal parenting choice. Everyone is at liberty to bring their kids up how they want, unless it is abusive/damaging, but don't kid yourself about the choices you are making.

Anonnnnnnm · 21/05/2022 07:16

@GayParis have you seen YouTube?! I'd not be trusting a child to vet their own content. They won't purposely view inappropriate stuff but rest assured, they will come across it.

Pottedpalm · 21/05/2022 07:16

GayParis · 20/05/2022 22:22

My 8 yo DD watches YouTube unsupervised because I trust her and have told her what is acceptable/unacceptable Confused

Show quote history

You expect a 8 year old to decide what is acceptable. She will be seeing a lot of dodgy stuff while she decides. Very bad strategy in my opinion.

Sally090807 · 21/05/2022 07:17

Would you be happy with your 8 year old watching this kind of thing on tiktok

www.tiktok.com/@davidneves021/video/7056834744452959493?lang=en