To think this text sounds as if someone is trying to place blame on me?

[merlinsway]

My son A (8) runs plays with another little boy B on the street who is also 8. B is in my house a lot, has had a sleepover and stays for full days/dinner frequently. I'm friendly enough with his mum, but it is very much just because our kids are friends.

The other night B came for dinner here then went home, afterwards I received a text from him mum saying that he is grounded for swearing at her twice and that she's really struggling with his behaviour, in her text she said 'please don't send A for B until I text you'. I said I understood and that was that.

Yesterday I received a message saying 'Hi Merlin. Hope you are well. B is wanting to play with A but I am not allowing him to watch tik tok or certain YouTube videos. Not sure if he is free to play and if you are OK with that?'

I just text back that was fine and that YouTube and TikTok wouldn't be on when he was at my house however my son wasn't free to play today. After speaking to my friend she said the text sounds pretty accusatory. As if she's saying it's my fault that her son swore at her due to what he is watching here.

To be honest, they don't sit and watch TV here, they are usually playing however at the sleepover they were watching YouTube at night but it was Norris nuts and everleigh etc. all age appropriate.

I admit I do let my son watch tik tok (don't need a lecture) and I understand not everyone will agree so I understand her point there's but I've had her son loads during the past year and she's never said to me that he isn't allowed to watch this.

The more I read the text the more I do think she's kind of putting blame on me? AIBU?

In your opinion

No, not my personal opinion - it is widely explained by psychologists, child development experts and educationalists why it is not a good idea to leave young kids with unsupervised access to things such as tiktok.

I don't think that's what she meant. And it seems you didn't think so either until your friend interfered

Well firstly TikTok can expose children to more than just swearing, there’s some extremely inappropriate content on there, same as Snapchat, Instagram and YouTube. There’s age ratings for a reason and children shouldn’t be allowed on anything like that unsupervised, it’s a massive safeguarding issue.
My 11 year old isn’t going anywhere near them for as long as I can prevent her, it’s my job to protect her, have people not realised a lot of young people are developing poor mental health due to social media?
Secondly you and your friend are overthinking her message, your neighbour was being polite and sensible, she is parenting her child responsibility and clearly just wants to ensure he doesn’t have access to these things so she can get on top of whatever may be causing his unwanted behaviour, you’ve taken it far to personally.

She’s just parenting her child. I don’t see anything wrong in the way she’s worded her text at all.

It’s so very easy to het caught out and see something Inappropriate. A few years back I got into school to find several of the department laughing at a you tube video featuring a funny take on the previous day’s A level maths paper. Someone commented ‘ we must show this to our tutor groups this morning!’
off I rushed, and while I called the register I put the video on, saying ‘you must see this, it’s so funny!’
unfortunately I had picked an alternate version of the video, with crude language and many swear words. To say the class were shocked is an understatement!

Your text and her text are virtually identical in content and tone.

You weren't bothered until your friend decided to start some drama (which was a really weird thing to do?). I'd stop thinking about it.

I don't think she was apportioning blame but simply asking for help keeping the boundaries she's set for her could. I think she could've though - her son's sworn at her after returning from a sleepover where he and another eight-year-old had unsupervised access to an app that has a 13 age limit for good reasons because it's known for having questionable content.

Not accusatory at all. YABU and looking for issues that aren’t there.

She started by complaining and then she became assertive.
Her second text reminds me assertive people are a right, royal pain in the butt.
Having a chat rather than sending a demanding text would have been far better, but assertive people like to lecture not listen.

Not really, the age requirement for TikTok is 13 years old so allowing a child unsupervised access is not the best really, fact.

Some good advice on keeping children safe online around YouTube, and what the dangers are:

www.anxioustoddlers.com/kids-youtube/#.YoiJt6TTUlQ

She’s not accusing you of anything, just making sure her son is safe at your house- which he absolutely isn’t if you’re allowing 8 year olds access to TikTok. Yes she is probably privately judging you too but that’s allowed.

We have had SO much trouble with 11yo DD desperately wanting to be on TikTok. She even created a secret account - I found it within a day but she already had boys messaging her telling her they were horny. Her friends are all on it unsupervised and posting all kinds of stuff that I can see myself. I do wonder what kind of parent is stupid enough to allow this but I focus on keeping my own DD safe.

Goodness even for MN there's a LOT of pearl clutching here.

It's YouTube... it's not the big bad internet. I draw the line at TikTok because it's nowhere near as specific with content as YouTube.

She has her own YouTube channel with her age on it so she can't go looking up porn or fucking beheading videos or anything else you lot seem to think she'll quite easily stumble across on YouTube.

Again, I don't have to "protect her" because I regularly dip in and out of her room and I see the stuff she watches and it's innocent gaming crap, it's annoying as shit as are most YouTubers, but it's normal stuff. I don't feel the need to supervise her because I know the crap she's interested in.

The way some of you are talking you're acting like I let her have complete free reign on a laptop to go on all kinds of websites and dodgy stuff 🤦🏻‍♀️

So instead you’d rather people tiptoe around you? 🤨 why would she send a messaging acting like she doesn’t know you have these things in in your home when your child will have told her you have these things in your home.

It's YouTube... it's not the big bad internet

WTAF? Have you no idea of the stuff that's out there on YouTube?

I think her message was okay. Text is only really useful for factual stuff otherwise things get read into it.

It sounds as though you have different rules at each others' houses (which is fine). If her child is not allowed to look at Tik Tok and you are happy enough not to have it on while he's around then that is okay.

It also sounds as though the boys spend a lot of time together. Does your child spend as much time at her house as her child spends at yours?

Ignore your friend, the text is fine.

You are overthinking this.

Your text is accusatory, hers is not. Just my pov.

Your interfering friend is the problem not parent of boy B.

Totally normal for parents to let you know of any bans or asks (food etc) ahead of playdates.

It's perfectly possible for her to want to parent differently without thinking badly of you. Different children need different things. You sound insecure in your own choices if you jump to being defensive over such a small request.

Christ sake

I don’t get the sense that she’s accusing, just wants to make sure he’s banned there as well as at home.

If the message didn’t bother you initially then why did you show your friend? Presumably you were a bit niggled. Why not have a quick chat with the other mum ?

Sounds like she’s blaming YouTube and TikTok. If she is suggesting anything, she’s suggesting that you don’t supervise them when they are online.Perhaps your kid’s lexicon has been extended as a result too, but he’s too smart to share with his mum. That’s why she’s asking you not to let him online.