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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this text sounds as if someone is trying to place blame on me?

111 replies

merlinsway · 20/05/2022 21:36

My son A (8) runs plays with another little boy B on the street who is also 8. B is in my house a lot, has had a sleepover and stays for full days/dinner frequently. I'm friendly enough with his mum, but it is very much just because our kids are friends.

The other night B came for dinner here then went home, afterwards I received a text from him mum saying that he is grounded for swearing at her twice and that she's really struggling with his behaviour, in her text she said 'please don't send A for B until I text you'. I said I understood and that was that.

Yesterday I received a message saying 'Hi Merlin. Hope you are well. B is wanting to play with A but I am not allowing him to watch tik tok or certain YouTube videos. Not sure if he is free to play and if you are OK with that?'

I just text back that was fine and that YouTube and TikTok wouldn't be on when he was at my house however my son wasn't free to play today. After speaking to my friend she said the text sounds pretty accusatory. As if she's saying it's my fault that her son swore at her due to what he is watching here.

To be honest, they don't sit and watch TV here, they are usually playing however at the sleepover they were watching YouTube at night but it was Norris nuts and everleigh etc. all age appropriate.

I admit I do let my son watch tik tok (don't need a lecture) and I understand not everyone will agree so I understand her point there's but I've had her son loads during the past year and she's never said to me that he isn't allowed to watch this.

The more I read the text the more I do think she's kind of putting blame on me? AIBU?

OP posts:
Sally872 · 20/05/2022 22:40

If she was blaming you she probably wouldn't be keen for them to play together for a bit. I definitely didn't read any blame/accusatory tone in that message.

dumdumduuuummmmm · 20/05/2022 22:42

So she didn't write it exactly as you would have so you have taken the position that she is accusing you of something even though the vast majority of people in here say they think the message was fine. God help everyone you know if they have to use exactly the language you would have or be damned for it.

twntho · 20/05/2022 22:48

@GayParis YouTube is full of videos that go from child friendly to not in an instant
My DS was watching minecraft videos the other day (supervised) and it was fine and out of nowhere they said 'shit'
It's stuff like that, that worries me
Even the kid version YouTube bad videos slip by

Pickabearanybear · 20/05/2022 22:50

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

SolasAnla · 20/05/2022 22:51

GayParis · 20/05/2022 22:22

My 8 yo DD watches YouTube unsupervised because I trust her and have told her what is acceptable/unacceptable Confused

Show quote history

Whos ID is she using to watch?
If it is an adult ID it can prompt off the ID history so even if your DD is careful she may end up with adult 🤔 grownup content.

OP i would read that as a blunt note as he is still being semi-grounded.

Original poster
merlinsway · 20/05/2022 22:54

@SolasAnla that's the thing, I don't need a blunt note - I am an adult, I don't need to be scolded or made to feel like I'm doing something wrong in my own house by another adult.

OP posts:
ClearButtons · 20/05/2022 22:56

Did you think it's was accusing before your friend mentioned it? I think it sounds fine tbh, which you also thought at first.

Jalepenojello · 20/05/2022 22:57

You’re overthinking it.

I’m on TikTok and would never allow my 8 year old on it so it is a fair comment on their part. It’s wildly inappropriate

saraclara · 20/05/2022 23:00

You didn't scolded.

For goodness' sake, you are only dwelling on this because your shit stirring friend suggested a tone and a back story to the message that hadn't even occurred to you. And it hadn't occurred to you because it wasn't accusatory.

People have different messaging styles, that's all. Your friend has just encouraged you to read the message in a tone that was never intended and that for some reason you now are not prepared to let go of.

saraclara · 20/05/2022 23:01

Typo. You WEREN'T scolded, not "didn't". Sorry.

hedgehogger1 · 20/05/2022 23:04

YouTube and TikTok are not suitable for young children no matter how trustworthy they are.

BonnesVacances · 20/05/2022 23:04

I think the text was fine tbh

BatshitBanshee · 20/05/2022 23:04

Paranoia's catching. She sounds like a mother who is setting boundaries and ground rules for her son inside and outside the home and reads more like an FYI rather than blame on anyone.

BatshitBanshee · 20/05/2022 23:06

And FYI Op, no one can make you feel any kind of way. We're responsible for our emotions and responses. Maybe you actually know yourself that your 8 year old shouldn't be watching TikTok, supervised or not.

Karwomannghia · 20/05/2022 23:09

Your version sounds just the same level as accusatory as hers if you read it with that in mind. There’s no easy way to say she doesn’t want him watching it without mentioning that he might so so at your house.

WonderingWanda · 20/05/2022 23:12

GayParis · 20/05/2022 22:22

My 8 yo DD watches YouTube unsupervised because I trust her and have told her what is acceptable/unacceptable Confused

Show quote history

Really, you explained all the dangers on the internet to her and she understood?

It's not about trust it's about the fact that an 8 year old doesn't have the ability to judge whether what they are watching is appropriate or not because they don't have a clue what it is or it has been targetted to look like a kids programme but is totally inappropriate....a good example of of this was the roadman peppa pig videos someone mentioned in a thread yesterday. Take a look at this link which explains it a bit better than I am. Safety Detectives

SolasAnla · 20/05/2022 23:15

merlinsway · 20/05/2022 22:54

@SolasAnla that's the thing, I don't need a blunt note - I am an adult, I don't need to be scolded or made to feel like I'm doing something wrong in my own house by another adult.

I would write a blunt note like that.

You took my reply to suggest that the note was about you and your house rules?

I read the bluntness as being about her son and what he has been told he is allowed to do at yours.
Eg
B is still in trouble, but can he play with A without using your son to access stuff he now knows he should not.

Or

B is still in trouble, and banned from SM. But can he please play under your supervision with A without using your son's hospitality as a way to access stuff he now knows he should not. Thanks.

Sometimes text is a poor way to communicate, but ask yourself if you had a problem with the message before your friend made the comment?
(Ps you now know that if your friend sends you that type of text she will definitely be blaming you🤷🏼‍♀️)

KettrickenSmiled · 20/05/2022 23:17

GayParis · 20/05/2022 22:22

My 8 yo DD watches YouTube unsupervised because I trust her and have told her what is acceptable/unacceptable Confused

Show quote history

Sure.

I let my 8 year old drive my car on the motorway, because I have taught her the highway code.

KettrickenSmiled · 20/05/2022 23:30

I must have misinterpreted

@LutherRalph1 reading back, I think I may have, actually.
So - apologies for my intemperate tone. It was wrong of me.

I'm amazed anyone interprets a parent ensuring their 8 year old child doesn't go on unsupervised social media trawls as a personal attack on them.

(don't need a lecture)
I don't need to be scolded or made to feel like I'm doing something wrong in my own house by another adult.
The defensiveness says more about OP's suppressed guilt than she has maybe considered. It's the same defensiveness that allowed her to be baited by her friend into suddenly interpreting a perfectly reasonable request as an attack.

Lavenderlast · 20/05/2022 23:30

If you’re letting your 8 yr old watch tiktok unsupervised then he’ll be learning swearwords and probably has passed some onto his friend. I don’t think she’s accusing you, more trying to fix an unacceptable situation so the boys can continue to play together.

ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave · 20/05/2022 23:33

merlinsway · 20/05/2022 22:14

I just think there is a way to say things. For instance, 'hi merlin, hope you are well. B is allowed out now however, I'm not letting him watch YouTube or tik tok. Not sure if it's ever on at your house but if so could you do me a favour and not let B watch it? Want to see if his behaviour improves'

That's a bunch of unnecessary words to say the same thing she did. You're being MUCH too sensitive.

GayParis · 20/05/2022 23:46

twntho · 20/05/2022 22:48

@GayParis YouTube is full of videos that go from child friendly to not in an instant
My DS was watching minecraft videos the other day (supervised) and it was fine and out of nowhere they said 'shit'
It's stuff like that, that worries me
Even the kid version YouTube bad videos slip by

Good god not "shit" Hmm

She's in her bedroom with her door open, so I could hear anything wildly inappropriate.

I don't mind what she watches as long as it's still based on gaming - really couldn't care if they swear! She's 8, not 4. She knows fine well not to swear outside the house so again, I trust her.

maddy68 · 20/05/2022 23:49

You are over thinking this. She is setting groundrules for HER son. She has said he can play our bit only if he doesn't access those things there as well as home

saraclara · 20/05/2022 23:57

You seem incredibly easily influenced, OP. And your 'friend' is a piece of work.

This boy's mum is parenting well. He behaved badly, she punished him, and she is gradually bringing things back, but with restrictions. He can play with his friend again, but he's not to take advantage and try to find ways around her ban. She's asking for your support in that, that's all. And good for her.

She's been focusing on her boy, not on you. If she thought you or your child were the problem, she wouldn't be encouraging the next play date. She's just not releasing all her DS's restrictions just yet.

Triffid1 · 21/05/2022 00:13

Total non issue. She knows you allow certain types of screen time. She doesn't want that screen time. She's asking you to respect her boundaries. Seems fine to me.

At that age we had lots of similar conversations on play dates - can they play Fortnite? Can they eat certain treats? Can they watch YouTube. It's normal. You are massively over thinking.

Her first message just sounds like a woman expressing some difficulties to someone she thinks will understand.