Would you put yourself in a precarious financial position…

[Merryoldgoat]

…to privately educate your child.

I work at a private school and deal with the school finances.

We have a few parents who seem to be completely unable to afford the fees. We assist and are understanding and offer payment plans etc.

But there are a few who fail to pay on time every single term.

I just couldn’t cope with the stress.

We have some of the best state schools in the country in the same area so it’s not that there aren’t other options.

Is anyone here in this situation? Why do you put yourself through it?

And this isn’t Covid related btw. This has been going on long before Covid for the parents I’m talking about and we offered assistance to all who needed it (and continue to) when earnings were affected by Covid.

No.

We thought very hard about it but despite a six-figure household income (c. 180k), with three DC it would have left us absolutely no wriggle room AT ALL. As it is, we are relatively well cushioned from financial shocks (I am very, very grateful for this) and can save for retirement and to give the kids a helping hand when they are young adults. Paying school fees would have meant budgeting every penny for the next two decades with nothing to spare.

The reality for me is that if the NHS was in a better state I might have been more willing to take the gamble. But we have recently had to find £1000s to pay for private therapy (thankfully which has been brilliant) to help one of our DC following a mental health crisis for which there was absolutely no help whatsoever available from CAHMS. I was/am very thankful we didn't have the double whammy of school fees to pay.

exactly. We have a family member who has a very good professional job but for years we have wondered how they live the lifestyle they do with just one excellent salary. four kids in private school, one parents staying home, live in help, extended language learning trips abroad, skiing every year, holiday abroad every year, long trip to South America for over a month, beautiful huge house, designer clothes, holiday home, etc etc. We recently discovered that they are deeply deeply in debt and most likely have no equity in their home - at a stage of life most people have paid off a significant chunk. And yet I would say this person is the most serene unbothered person - no stress whatsoever. I suspect their spouse doesn't know about the debt.

I sent mine to private school when we could easily afford it. No way would I do it if it caused a strain or if it was beyond our means. It isn't worth it.

To put it another way, if I had a crystal ball that told me we wouldn't lose our jobs and that we would all stay healthy until retirement, then I think I would have been willing to make the sacrifice of living very frugally in order to give them the best possible education. But in the real world, it felt that the risks were too high.

Some people are hyper focused on securing a privileged peer group for their DC. I think I’ve seen that as much among wealthy friends as choosing private education for the educational standards. I suppose if you have that mindset, and you’re struggling financially yourself, then securing a social leg up for the DC feels even more important? I couldn’t stand the stress of overstretch going myself.

There are always people who will get in debt for cars, holidays so not sure private school fees are much different. I think some people are head in sand when it comes to finances or are completely unrealistic.

@pastaandpesto I’m so glad you were able to get you child the help they needed.

@Pallisers your post has honestly made me feel a bit panicky. We carry a bit of debt - car loan - but it’s manageable and short term. No way could I face more.

We have very good schools in my area both primary & secondary, public & private. We always had reasonable incomes I remember being gobsmacked when I found out a significant proportion of people were only paying the interest on their mortgages. No wonder they could afford all these wonderful holidays.
I came to the conclusion for some it is all about image, don’t get me wrong there are also some very wealthy people but you don’t have to travel many miles for the other end of the spectrum

Family expectations?

tbh merryoldgoat, it makes us panicky to think about it too.

when I was pregnant Ds dad left. I spent a bloody ridiculous amount of time researching the outcomes from kids from single parent households / low income households and I terrified myself. When Ds was a baby I agreed to have no maintenance so long as he paid school fees, and I chose an amazing school which he attended from age 2.

I chose private because I was utterly paranoid I had already ruined my child’s life because he came from a single parent household, I made sacrifices to send him because I felt so scared I was letting him down if I didn’t. I was sometimes late paying fees because my ex obviously stopped paying fees and then I had to use my wages to do so. I didn’t want to move Ds because I was scared anything different was ‘less’.

im more confident now, I wish I had chose different, but at the time I was so paranoid I was letting my child down that I went above and beyond to try and equalise that - and now it’s hard to go back on that. Soooooo, that is why I struggle and make sacrifices anyway.

@UggyPow

I suspect you’re absolutely correct.

@Jamdaisy

That must’ve been very hard for so many reasons.

We have completely stretched ourselves to send ours to private. We are never late with payments and pay by dd , however we do have to budget to the very last £ to afford it- we have literal spreadsheets accounting for every £ spent. For us the sacrifices feel worth it.

Never, but I'm not a fan of private education anyway.

Some wealthy people think their children are entitled to a private education.

But since they also feel entitled to a big house in a nice area, holidays, cars, clothes, meals out etc, they end up spending their income and not putting anything by for school fees.

My son goes to a pretty rough school but he is very clever and works hard.

The advantage for him is that if he goes to University, he will be more rounded than some private school kids who have been raised in a cosseted bubble of privilege and entitlement.

I am glad my kids won't grow up with some of the hideous views some people have about people in poverty/on benefits.

They are his people and I hope he will always be proud of his achievements. No private education, tutoring, extra curricular activities. Just him, an Ofsted 'Needs Improvement' secondary school, his brain and his work ethic.

No, but I'm not sure I would send them even if I could afford it. Yes the education would be good, probably, but I think it's generally good for children to mix with a range of other children from all sorts of backgrounds.

The only children I know who went to private school were a bit brattish and not that pleasant to be around.

I agree with a lot of what you are written but wealthy people are 'entitled' to private education as they pay for it!

And whilst your DS is clever and studious and has done well at a not so great state school, other less academic kids will not thrive.

If I had money, I would 100% send my kids to private school.

However, in the OP's case, I suspect a lot of the late payers pay late not because they are not wealthy and can't afford it but because they are tight and enjoy the power of withholding money from others.

No but then our last school closed because by the end I would say a least a 1/3 of kids had a discount because they were teachers kids or on bursaries of some sort. That combined with a very tight attitude towards fundraising and people were still surprised when the school was driven into the ground. The anger in fact that no one else could continue to pick up the slack was astonishing. So when it came to the bit, about 50% went into the state sector.

Don’t do it if you can’t afford it. Luckily we can.

We have just moved my son from state to private in yr2 of infants. He was so lost in state school and falling more and more behind. In his 4 weeks in his new school, he has come on leaps and bounds. Reading with the teacher everyday. Engaging homework that makes sense and is all linked. Online maths work that he enjoys. Amazing school trips. But if we send our daughter as well it will be a little less comfortable

YANBU

At one stage my employer would have paid school fees but I knew we wouldnt have been able to pay for it ourselves so we sent DCs to the local school.

It would be cruel to DCs to have to take them away from a settled environment, friends etc if it all went wrong.

One of the sadder threads I have read here was of a DD who was being forced out of her private school just before GCSEs because of non payment of fees. Every line of credit had been exhausted.

Whether you agree with PE or not, kids who have PE do better in life than more intelligent kids who attended state schools irrespective of grades/qualifications.

It sounds like these parents kniw that.

Would I put myself in tgat situ? No. We could have funded PE for our kids, I wanted to, but my DH was absolutely anti PE, so we just holidayed a lot more, lol!!! In a way I'm glad we did that cos he died young, and we all have great memories of family holidays to look back on.

No private schools near us then DD got in to a grammar school so not on my high horse at all.

BUT I do find it unfair that these parents have enrolled into a private school clearly not financially able to manage this comfortably and are given so much assistance to help them including having fee’s wavered? Surely If some parents knew this they would just take the risk.

Kinda defeats the object of sending a child to a private school then not paying?

I remember when my stepDB asked my opinion on this when the older of his kids were small. I don’t care what choices people make, as long as it doesn’t have a wider affect on their lives if that makes sense? He’s put multiple children through PE and I don’t understand how he’s done it. But equally I’m not sure if their life would have been much different/less chaotic without PE. My DD is in PE, but we’re in a strong position. I would never in a million years have done it if we were in even a potentially unstable situation, and DH on the same page.

I disagree with PE really do it would never be an option for me anyway regardless of cost and affordability but I think you've got to be comfortable with the finance side, if it's a struggle then don't do it.
There is 1 fee paying school near here and the results are worse than the state alternatives
The facilities are amazing tho and the holiday clubs and ability to board some nights if parents are away on business so if someone needs that to be an option it's ideal

My friends daughter was in PE her exh had a
Gambling habit he went bankrupt and lost the house and everything and her daughter was in year 9 at the time just about to go into year 10 and she'd never been to a state school.
My friends Mum basically came out of early retirement and got another job (she was early 60's had been in the police) and basically went to work to help pay this for years 10, 11, 12 and 13

The girl decided she didn't want to go to university she works in a job she could have done without all this - and the grandparent and mother basically stressed so much as she was upset to be loosing her friends - not to mention all the fundraising expectations, school trips etc....

@DingDongBing So would you say that some of those paying full fees feel like they are subsidising those on teacher discounts and bursaries, and resent it?