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Original poster

DD15 dropped from football team

111 replies

lookatallthisspace · 20/05/2022 19:05

DD15 has played football for 4 years. She's been with the same team for the whole time although a number of girls have come and go. Their coach has been trying to find out who will be resigning for next season. He pulled me aside this week to say that he is considering dropping my DD from the team to allow a new player in who plays the same position, but she is welcome to stay as train only if she wanted to.

She's not the strongest player on the pitch but she's definitely also not the worst, has had a really good season and got player of the match on a couple of occasions.

When I asked for the reasoning behind this I was told that although she is good on the ball, her brain just isn't 'quick enough' for football and it takes her too long to make decisions on the pitch. DD15 is autistic (Asperger's) and one of her biggest issues is indecisiveness. I can see during her matches that sometimes she may take a little longer to make a decision but it doesn't seem to affect the game (she doesn't stand there for minutes deciding what to do, it's a matter of seconds!).

In a nutshell, the coach wants to sign this new player but can't unless he drops someone and although he has said he knows that DD can't help being autistic, it's going to be an issue for the next season as it is much more competitive (although this is still grassroots!).

Would I be unreasonable to talk to the club about this? My DD has been with the team the longest out of all the current players and is extremely upset.

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 20/05/2022 19:20

If she still trains could she still be in the squad, just not always going to be picked for matches?

iRun2eatCake · 20/05/2022 19:30

So he is discriminating her for her disability... which is a protected characteristic in law.

I would speak to the Safeguarding Officer and ask their opinion

stayathomer · 20/05/2022 19:32

They wonder why kids drop sports, sorry to hear this OP, even aside from her as it’s wrong

Original poster
lookatallthisspace · 20/05/2022 19:35

@RedHelenB Unfortunately train only aren't registered with the FA so can't play in matches.

@iRun2eatCake Her coach is the clubs safeguarding officer 🤦‍♀️

OP posts:
TeenPlusCat · 20/05/2022 19:37

I'm in two minds about this.

If she was 8 I'd say the coach was being unreasonable as it should be more about the fun at that age.

But at 15, isn't competitive sport meant to be competitive? Presumably he would be equally likely to drop someone who wasn't as fast, or as accurate passing etc.

However she is still only 15 and has been with the team a while, so it doesn't seem too fair to drop her either.

TeenPlusCat · 20/05/2022 19:38

Could she move to a more fun based club?

ItsSnowJokes · 20/05/2022 19:38

I would be kicking up merry hell! Speak to the club, the local press anyone that would listen. They say they want girls and woman to play in more sports and then you have discriminative arseholes like this.

alanabennett · 20/05/2022 19:41

She's being dropped because she's a weaker player, which is a tough but valuable lesson for her to learn. I've been in your shoes and it doesn't feel good but you'd be doing her a disservice if you intervene. It might not be a super-high standard but it's still a competitive league.

SeemsSoUnfair · 20/05/2022 19:45

😱 You can't talk to the club about the saintly coaches, don't you know they are volunteers! He thinks he has found someone better and doesn't care about loyalty or if he breaks a 15 year old childs, who has shown commitment to the team, heart.

How an adult can bring in a complete stranger (I assume!) to replace a child he had known for 4 years without feeling guilty is unfathomable to me.

It happens in teams at this age group all the time. Some volunteers have egos, and the need to win, bigger than their hearts.

Honestly talk to her and advise her to walk away with her head held high (and a🖕) instead of spending weeks being pitied by the rest of the team and feeling more and more shit about herself. Been there.

SpeedofaSloth · 20/05/2022 19:46

Grassroots football can be cutthroat TBH, it sounds pretty much standard pre-season discussions to me.
My DS was dropped last year, he found another team quickly.

Original poster
lookatallthisspace · 20/05/2022 19:48

I think what's hard for DD is that she's basically being told she's the weaker player due to her autism - it's not like she is too slow or not good enough on the ball. She was in tears last night saying she can't help how her brain works.

And yes, it doesn't help that she's been with this coach for 4 years and he's only just met this player he wants to bring in.

OP posts:
Kite22 · 20/05/2022 19:55

The thing is though, it is a competitive league, so it is to the Team's advantage to build the Team with the most competitive players. As a pp said, this isn't U8s, games are very competitive at this age.
I mean, I would question why the Manager isn't keeping a 'squad' of players and rotating them. Sounds very short sighted to only have one player signed to each position, but that is a different question.
In anything that is competitive, it isn't discrimination to select the best at whatever it is that is being competed, that is exactly how competition works.

Knittingchamp · 20/05/2022 19:56

I think this isn't him discriminating against your DD as a protected characteristic, it's sport and unfortunately you just need to react quickly. It's a team sport and you have to think of everyone.

Saying that, It totally sucks being dropped but that's one thing sport teaches you - to handle those disappointments. I can really understand why it's upsetting for your DD though. I think he could have handled it better...since when in grassroots sport do you have to drop one kid to let another in? There's always reserves bench, cycling players in and out of matched, substitutes and so on. Noone has to feel like they're not part of the team anymore. And at junior grassroots age it should be focused on taking part as the main thing. I'd definitely encourage your DD to keep going. Do not give up!

Original poster
lookatallthisspace · 20/05/2022 19:59

I think DD is also confused as they've come third in their league (out of 15), started every match and played most of each match. There have been subs on the bench each time, never her, and some of those subs are being resigned but she's not.

OP posts:
Soberfutures · 20/05/2022 20:20

Have you looked into any local "ability" teams. They are fully inclusive and FA registered. My son is in u10 and has asd teams go up to u18

lassof · 20/05/2022 20:24

This is competitive football. Move her to a lower league if she wants to play, or keep her there as train only if she likes it. Help her deal with the disappointment, that's a great life skill to have. She could even stay and aim to be so good at training she is picked again the following year. There's a place for everyone in football, but the entire point of leagues is that players are streamed by ability.

tillytown · 20/05/2022 20:25

It sucks for daughter, but you said yourself that you can see her holding up the game due to decision making. My nephew is autistic, he loves sports but there isn't many he can play because he has the same issue, it's not fair to exclude him based on something he can't control but it's also not fair on the rest of the team to be held back because of him.
Are there any teams for people with disabilities near you? They are just as competitive, the players are just as talented, but they are more understanding

ancientgran · 20/05/2022 20:26

Surely in competitive sport you do discriminate based on how good a player you are. I always say I'd like to be captain of the England football team but unfortunately I'm too old, too slow and I couldn't even kick a ball when I was young and fit. Perfectly reasonable for them not to pick me.

It is hard but that is competitive sport.

RobertaFirmino · 20/05/2022 20:48

Same thing happened to Jose Mourinho. Dropped from his team at 15 yo because he wasn't quick enough. He became a PE teacher instead and it was his shit-hot school team that got him noticed.
You'll often hear Premier League players talking about 'side before self' and this is how things are in competitive leagues. Winning matches is what matters, not tiptoeing around other people's feelings.
Perhaps another side would be more suited? @Soberfutures mentioned 'ability' sides (the ones round my way are called 'inclusive' teams and are attached to the Championship club in this city) and they can be fantastic environments.
Obviously this is an unpleasant and upsetting life lesson for your DD but I'm afraid it is just that - life, and life is rarely easy. Maybe this is an appropriate time to discuss coping strategies, decision making and the move towards adulthood.

Livercool · 20/05/2022 20:49

I think it is ok as long as they don't expect her to sit on the bench every match and waste her time. I like that she is still welcome to train. Unfortunately if there is only 1 team they will use the best players. I would try to get her into a less competitive team or one of slightly lower ability where she would be a valued member. Football should be fun.

SellFridges · 20/05/2022 20:54

I’m really surprised at this. The number one aim for a coach in junior football is supposed to be to help the kids fall in love with football. Even when it becomes competitive it’s supposed to be about enjoyment. He’s handled it badly.

Fluval · 20/05/2022 21:02

I got dropped by my original team when I was about 11, having been with them for about 4 years. Previously teams were allowed to have as many as they wanted in their squad, but at the next age group there was a limit and I didn’t make the cut.

I played for another team for a couple of years, got much, much better and ended up back with my original team.

It sucked being dropped, but its part of competitive sport, and more so at older age groups.

Fluval · 21/05/2022 01:39

Kite22 · 20/05/2022 19:55

The thing is though, it is a competitive league, so it is to the Team's advantage to build the Team with the most competitive players. As a pp said, this isn't U8s, games are very competitive at this age.
I mean, I would question why the Manager isn't keeping a 'squad' of players and rotating them. Sounds very short sighted to only have one player signed to each position, but that is a different question.
In anything that is competitive, it isn't discrimination to select the best at whatever it is that is being competed, that is exactly how competition works.

He will have a squad, but there’ll be a rule limiting its size.

BlankTimes · 21/05/2022 02:21

Team sports can be very difficult for neurodiverse kids. Could you introduce her to sport where she'd compete as an individual, like horse riding, martial arts (loads to choose from) archery, shooting, swimming, some athletics, basically anything that holds her interest but also gives her the opportunity to excel as an individual as opposed to being in a team?

Thirdsummerofourdiscontent · 21/05/2022 02:25

by the time competitive sports get to that age group you usually have to try out to make the team so this seems normal to me.