DD15 dropped from football team

[lookatallthisspace]

DD15 has played football for 4 years. She's been with the same team for the whole time although a number of girls have come and go. Their coach has been trying to find out who will be resigning for next season. He pulled me aside this week to say that he is considering dropping my DD from the team to allow a new player in who plays the same position, but she is welcome to stay as train only if she wanted to.

She's not the strongest player on the pitch but she's definitely also not the worst, has had a really good season and got player of the match on a couple of occasions.

When I asked for the reasoning behind this I was told that although she is good on the ball, her brain just isn't 'quick enough' for football and it takes her too long to make decisions on the pitch. DD15 is autistic (Asperger's) and one of her biggest issues is indecisiveness. I can see during her matches that sometimes she may take a little longer to make a decision but it doesn't seem to affect the game (she doesn't stand there for minutes deciding what to do, it's a matter of seconds!).

In a nutshell, the coach wants to sign this new player but can't unless he drops someone and although he has said he knows that DD can't help being autistic, it's going to be an issue for the next season as it is much more competitive (although this is still grassroots!).

Would I be unreasonable to talk to the club about this? My DD has been with the team the longest out of all the current players and is extremely upset.

But she likes and is good at football

one of her biggest issues is indecisiveness. I can see during her matches that sometimes she may take a little longer to make a decision but it doesn't seem to affect the game (she doesn't stand there for minutes deciding what to do, it's a matter of seconds!).

Slow processing speed is common in many neurodiverse conditions. It looks like indecisiveness to an observer. Not all autism assessments include it, but it's possible it may be in her diagnostic report(s). It's important she knows it's not her fault.

Is this not something that is trainable? Perhaps you have already tried, but I would have thought that with specific, targeted training this is an opportunity to improve rather than an excuse to drop someone from the team.

That said, finding another team might be a good idea if your DD is a good player but the coach has already turned against her.

But she's not being discriminated due to being a girl?

My DS plays in a competitive team. All players have to re-trial every season along with the new players looking for a spot on the team. That's how the team gets the best players.

@lookatallthisspace This is the nature of competitive sport. Your daughter has some choices to make, she can either stay in the squad work hard and try to improve her skill set and see how good this new signing is.
She could decide to look for a less competitive team with a more recreational ethos which she may prefer and thrive in.
Every competitive sports person will probably have experienced the position your daughter is in ,it could be viewed as one of the life lessons that sport teaches us.
Your daughter is stronger and more resilient than you think, support her in whatever she decides .

A mixture of feelings and thoughts about this, the outcome of which is I think you may have to find another team for your DD. The club at least could be looking for a place for your DD at another club or in another team they run.

Football both for women and men has changed and become much faster over the last 20 years or so (developments in sports science, change in the offside rule and to an extent other laws of the game). So a second or two is not trivial in a competitive environment, and even at grassroots level at the under 16 age, I can see why a coach could bring in a new player who is slightly quicker.

The coach is not hiding behind some made up reason, is prepared to talk about autism, and there seems no nepotism or other reason except for the ability of another player in the same position. I don't know but doubt if your DD could train and play in a different position in the team (plenty of instances where that has transformed a player), but it may be worth exploring.

Have you looked to see if there’s any inclusive clubs where you live. My son is autistic and plays for an inclusive team, they have inclusive tournaments once a month and he absolutely loves it. There’s a few girls your daughters age who have moved from mainstream teams. You don’t get all the shit that comes with mainstream football

Its awful isnt it op? I dont think there is much you can do though. I remember getting dropped from the county hockey team in my early teens due to my epilepsy, and I was distraught. It was a massive blow to my confidence. I eventually got over it, and joined a local social team who were really supportive, and I had a lot of fun.

Its all very well to argue disability discrimination, however at the end of the day she's not good enough and its unfair to her other team mates if she stays on.

I think if you live with a disability (physical / intellectual) you have to accept that you necessairly cannot do the same as abled body people, yes its shitty but that is life sadly, and you have to make the most of what you can do.

This is a classic example of a grass route coach forgetting what it's all meant to be about.
At u15s he can have a squad of 20 and rotate. And as a pp said having one person. Per position(unless she is the goalie) isnt wise.
You say he is the club welfare officer? You could go to the league child welfare officer and ask him /her to deal with it.

But overall do you want to be with a club that would treat your daughter so badly and who could technically just bench her out of spite anyway.

I think with her experience she would be snapped up quickly by another local team, who valued her more.

It’s hard, but at 15 football players aren’t selected on how long they’ve been in the club and on loyalty, but on how good they are. It’s harsh, but that’s competitive sport I’m afraid.

My daughter plays football and I can see something like this happening in the future with the weaker players moving to the lower team. Can you ask him that given there are halves or quarters in the game he can still include her in training and play in a quarter (or a half) so both her and the new player get match time. Whilst I am probably of a dog eat dog mindset and put forward your strongest players I do think inclusion is something all players can be mindful of and he should keep her in the team. If that fails find another team where she will be welcomed with her skills

It's about who's best at football. If she broke her leg you wouldn't expect her to play 'because she's been there four years and can't help it' would you?

I’d find a new team. It may be better, the coaching may be better. She may learn new skills by playing in a new team. And get new friends.

Thats awful. I would find another team, but write a stinking letter to the club chairman.

However, sports clubs are often run by volunteers which I think always makes the situation more tricky. The coach is giving up his time to run the team.and is not obligated to it.

This is the way football is. The manager is always going to want the best player they can get. You don’t get a place just because you’ve been there longer.

It is cut throat at that age - they want the best players. It’s not discrimination. I would try and find another club if she wants to continue.

Why is it in any worse to be being dropped because of "how your brain works" than because of how fast your feet move?

In her case her autism may affect it, but there will be other NT players for whom the mental side is what let's them down too - the strategic side etc.

Its competitive sport. It's a hard lesson in life but I'm sorry, at 15 it will get more cutthroat. There will be other less competitive clubs who may appreciate her skills more or where she may be the right fit for the rest of the team.

I coach a couple of school teams and am constantly challenged by parents who want their child to play despite being weaker than others. It's competitive, the aim is to win, the strongest players are chosen. There are teams where anyone can play, and teams that play competitively.

Last week I ran trials for a cross country event. I asked them all to run the distance and chose the fastest runners. I don't think it could have been fairer but still got four complaints from parents who can't accept their child hearing the word no.

OP, if you yourself can see that she hesitates and is one of the weaker players, then you must know in your heart that this is a reasonable decision even if it has upset your dd.

DH coaches sport and gets this all the time. The bottom line is that your DD is playing a competitive sport. The coach says it will become more competitive next year. The coach is going to choose the best players. If your daughter is the best player she will be selected. If another player is better, she will be selected. Your DD’s autism is irrelevant in this context as any other disability would be. A girl who is slower, or less fit, or has poorer ball skills will not be selected either. It is different in younger age groups where some coaches will play mixed ability teams - but not at 15. All the other players will have been selected because they are the best in that position at that time - and they will not thank the coach for including a weaker player in preference to a stronger one.

It sounds as if you are happy with the idea of selection if your DD is selected in - but not if she is selected out. Presumably you have been happy with the selection principle to date? What about the other girl who is a better player? Why should she be excluded?

If you do talk to the club, I would focus on the need for a second team for girls who want to play but are not good enough to make the first team. If this club can not accommodate that then perhaps look around for one that plays at a less competitive level?

As a wife of my DH managing both my sons football teams for over 14 years, I see it both sides. I would ask coach what the other girls feel should happen, if they are happy with your daughter’s ability to play, then this should be considered. I agree with previous posts, tell coach you would be happy for DD to share the position.

It's possible someone has come along looking for a place who is a colleague or friend of the coach. Or the coach sees her problem with decision making as something which will not improve over time. If this is so then she will fall behind as the others improve.
Is there no other sport she would thrive at. Is there no other team she could join.

Unfortunately this is competitive sport. I used to play in my teens and as a student and my dyspraxia meant that super competitive teams were just not where I belonged. I found teams that valued fun over winning at all costs. It wasn’t so much the coaches I had issues with, the other girls would get frustrated and yell at me for mistakes on the pitch. I really wanted to play and enjoyed playing, but the harsh reality was that my disability made me not skilled/quick enough to play in a very competitive team that wanted to win over having fun and being inclusive. That is, unfortunately, the reality of competitive sport. I gravitated more towards individual sports in adulthood as team sports are just too much pressure. This of course means fewer neurodivergent kids and adults play team sports, as many of us aren’t great when put under pressure to make snap decisions. It isn’t fair on your DD right enough, but it also isn’t fair to other players not to make the squad as good as it can be. Competitive sport just isn’t always fair and that’s a reality.

Unfortunately your DD may need to find another team that’s more inclusive, plays in a lower or “just for fun” type league where there isn’t so much emphasis on winning at all costs.

Slow processing speed is common in many neurodiverse conditions. It looks like indecisiveness to an observer. Not all autism assessments include it, but it's possible it may be in her diagnostic report(s). It's important she knows it's not her fault.

My DS slow running speed isnt his fault either. No ones lower ability is their "fault". Once you get to teens it's not enough to try hard, you need effort and ability.

Slow processing speed isnt unusual among NT either. Everyone is focussing on the autism here but I think it's a bit of a red flag, an NT teenager could be dropped for similar reasons if they are weaker on the strategic/decision making side of the game.

We can't all be good at everything.

The martial arts suggestion is very good. My husband teaches autistic students martial arts . It's great at teaching independence confidence and for the social aspects of it. You go at your own pace and the testing is based on your own ability and less reliant on team based progession my daughter loves it and her confidence and resilience is through the roof