DD15 dropped from football team

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DD15 has played football for 4 years. She's been with the same team for the whole time although a number of girls have come and go. Their coach has been trying to find out who will be resigning for next season. He pulled me aside this week to say that he is considering dropping my DD from the team to allow a new player in who plays the same position, but she is welcome to stay as train only if she wanted to.

She's not the strongest player on the pitch but she's definitely also not the worst, has had a really good season and got player of the match on a couple of occasions.

When I asked for the reasoning behind this I was told that although she is good on the ball, her brain just isn't 'quick enough' for football and it takes her too long to make decisions on the pitch. DD15 is autistic (Asperger's) and one of her biggest issues is indecisiveness. I can see during her matches that sometimes she may take a little longer to make a decision but it doesn't seem to affect the game (she doesn't stand there for minutes deciding what to do, it's a matter of seconds!).

In a nutshell, the coach wants to sign this new player but can't unless he drops someone and although he has said he knows that DD can't help being autistic, it's going to be an issue for the next season as it is much more competitive (although this is still grassroots!).

Would I be unreasonable to talk to the club about this? My DD has been with the team the longest out of all the current players and is extremely upset.

God I’d be so upset for my DD if I were you. Then again football is a competitive sport and they will obviously want the strongest places on their team, so there’s not much you can do I guess other than help your DD navigate her disappointment and find ways to keep her self esteem high.

OP this man is appalling - but he is not dropping her because she is autistic. And I say that as someone who is also neurodiverse. He’s dropping her because she is not making quick enough decisions. What he should have done is raised this ages ago and given her advice on how to be quicker and a chance to be quicker with decisions. Quite frankly I think it’s worth moving to a team where the coach is better.

The whole campaign of trying to get women back to sport is the exact opposite of the coaches behaviour. Unless the team and some of its players are destined for great things and on a path to win championships, then this is ridiculous. The coach needs to get over themselves.

poor DD. As she’s good at and still enjoys football would look at her options.

The coach’s decisions might or might not work out well, or change. If she stays and trains she may well be picked for the team, or she might prefer to try another team.

It's competitive sport. She can't think quickly enough to keep her place in the team. Someone else might not have the stamina to keep their place in the team. Someone else might not be able to cover the ground fast enough to keep their place in the team.
The reasons behind those failings are completely irrelevant. You might as well say that someone with a limp should be on the team because they can't help it. That I should be in the England netball team because I can't help being in my 60s.
The coach's job is to create a team that will win. To field the best players available to him. It's not about who's been there longest, who works hardest, who's the nicer person. They're teenagers in a competitive league, and it's not just about having fun.

I know it hurts for your DD and for you. But this is the nature of competitive sport. Up and down the country every week, kids lose their spot on sports teams. And all their parents can do is sympathise, encourage, and help their teenagers pick themselves up.

It would be unfair for a better player to be denied the opportunity just because they've not been there as long. What you're asking for is favouritism and THAT is the kind of attitude that puts kids off participating.

Both NT and ND kids need to learn that they will not always be good enough, and it's often for reasons beyond their control, and how to deal with the associated disappointment. It is your job to help support her to handle this/ find another team.

Has he done anything in the past 4 years (where she's been playing, they have scored well and seemingly this hasn't been raised before?)- or is it an easy out for him now? I agree that teams want the best players, but it's also the case that people are far too quick to throw people who are ND on the scrap heap as they can't be arsed to try and help them (as evidenced by this thread). I'd try and find another team, or one that plays more for fun so she can keep the flame of enjoying it alight hopefully. I have played on adult teams with people who have similar and they have been welcomed and form a vital part of the team as anyone else.

She's been good enough plenty of times before- winning woman of the match etc. Pulling a parent aside and saying that doesn't seem as fair as holding trials or sessions to observe and select that way, seems like an easy out to me.

In rugby any junior (up to U18s) who turns up to training gets to play at least half the match. Seems to make a lot of sense to me.

Ask him directly why one of the other players isn't being dropped who gets subbed. Ask if she can try a different position for ine of those players potentially.

However in regards to your comment about how her brain works, yes she can't help it. Equally people with no coordination can't help it and may be desperate to play too. Sadly that's life. Same with school team sports, you don't always get picked for the team. That's life and it's how it is, so she will need to harden to that if she wants to do competitive sport.

If above doesn't work go find her a more friendly team to play in.

FYI I got kicked out if ballet because I have a funny leg. I was 6! Life is harsh sometimes.

I really do feel for your daughter, but this is life in competitive team sports - you need the best players to win. Players get dropped all the time so that better players get a chance to shine.

I would look at some of the lower league teams. Not just because it would be easier to get in but because they have a much better ethos. Some of the guys running the more competitive teams do it as an ego boost and think they're running a Premier League team. I've had grown men not allow lads onto the pitch for five minutes at the end of games because of the league table. It's ridiculous.

Your local league page may have a list of teams looking for players. I get wanting to win, and there's nothing wrong with adopting a conscientious approach. But win at all cost, including dropping long-standing team players is a bit much. Often these new star players are a bit flakey as they're trying to get into professional academy teams, so they leave after a while leaving the coach in the poo.

It's worth persevering because once you've got a nice team, they make longstanding friends. My son still bumps into his old football team and really likes them all. He was actually a pretty good player but his happiest experience was in the last year when he played for fun with a less good team but a really nice coach who encouraged them but didn't mind if they lost and didnt ever square up to an opposing manager/ref/linesmen like I've seen some managers/parents do! One parent actually squared up to my teenaged son! Ludicrous for a grown man to do that just because a teen is a bit mouthy (not excusing the mouthiness, as I told him, but he was only questioning his football decision!!!

I can sympathise up to a point. I was always the last to be picked for teams at school as my severe myopia coupled with beer bottle bottom glasses meant my depth perception was rubbish so I could never catch or hit a ball. I still loved sports though and regularly trained with the netball team and hockey team but I didn't expect to be in the team for matches though because my visual difficulties would have held the team back. It wasn't my fault, I couldn't help not being able to judge distances but the reality was that this made me a less good player than other people who trained less but could see better.

I wasn't picked for athletics either but I couldn't blame my vision for that. That was just because I can't run fast or jump high. I did make the swimming team, not because anyone felt sorry for me or wanted to make allowances for me, but because I was good at it and could win sometimes. I valued my place because I knew I deserved it.

it's tough on your daughter that her Aspergers is preventing her shining at the game she loves but the coach is being realistic. It's a competitive sport. The whole point of a match is that the best team on the day wins. He needs to pick the team that has the best chance of doing that. Anything else isn't fair to the other 10 members of the team or to their opponents or the league. It's not fair to your daughter either to give her an unrealistic idea of her capabilities.

Yes I'd find it upsetting, but this is just the nature of the game.
Whether she's been good in the past or not, he has told you she's lacking for whatever reason now. I'd definitely look into a lower league team, she shouldn't feel put off because of it if she enjoys it xx

If it’s come to the competitive stage it’s understandable. One of my kids sports we had to start doing that at 15yo. It sucks when the kid has been with the club for the past decade but it’s now about winning the flag. They have come third, they need a stronger team to come first. Most sports are no longer played for leisure at 15yo unfortunately, it’s pretty cut-throat.

It's tricky because it's not your DD's fault, but at the end of the day it's competitive sport.

I'm in a competitive field of the performing arts, and this is how it gets once you hit 12/14 yo and start auditioning for various projects. The UK takes this a step further and starts at 7 (too early even for me).

Regular auditioning is compulsory for everyone. You could have been top of your section for three years running, but then one year you go up against a very strong group of candidates and you're suddenly bottom of the list. It's sad but it happens, and now that I'm on the other side I sadly have to 100% agree with this method because it's what it takes to turn these kids into professionals (those who choose that path).

There are amateur groups and productions though, so kids who just want to do it for fun, can. Is there a lower category club nearby she could join? Or would she be interested in volunteering to help coach the little ones at this club, or another? It would be a shame if she stopped doing an activity she loves.

I'm surprised you didn't see this coming tbh. You need to help her to find a less competitive team.

@justfiveminutes I didn't see it coming because DD started every match this season, over the same 4 girls who always sat on the sub bench. She got player of the match a few times and also set up numerous goals. Those girls who have spent the season sat on the bench are being resigned, whilst DD is not. There is a girl in the squad who is noticeably worse than DD and she is also getting resigned!

She’s 15. At that age group level, competitive team sports are supposed to be just that : competitive. It’s no longer just about participation, inclusiveness and fun, it’s also about winning. Also, by that age football should be becoming quite tactical with emphasis on speed of decision making, positional discipline in defence and moving the ball quickly and accurately in possession.

Consider also the position of the other 10 players on the team, who want to compete & want to win. They will want the strongest possible team on the pitch to enable that. Allowing your daughter to continue training with the team but not picking her for games seems the best way the coach can deal with the situation for everyone’s benefit.

My ds is autistic so I do understand.

But if a disability led to her being slower or not good enough on the ball, would you be ok with it? You seem to be believing these things are the only 2 things that count.

They are getting to an age where it’s really competitive. As far as I know, there’s no stipulation you have to keep a player because of their disability. But it doesn’t stop it being any less upsetting for the kids.

But even if she was NT it’s not haute tees this is something she could work harder at and fix.

I am sorry this has happened. I don’t know what the right answer is.

Thanks for giving us a coach’s perspective. What’s surprising to me is how many people continue to give up their time to coach kids when faced with the sort of nonsense you describe!

Some of the posts on this thread took me aback.

• Describing the OP’s daughter’s football coach as “appalling”.
• Suggesting that the OP “writes a stinking letter to the club chairman”.
• Suggesting that the OP threatens the coach with a disability discrimination case in order to get the outcome she wants.
• Complaining that, er, choosing the best players for a team is contrary to the aim of getting more women and girls playing sport.

I agree with this.

Find a team that plays for fun.

Your daughter having autism doesn't mean the team can lose out. It's unfortunate for her but you can find more inclusive groups. You admit yourself that she isn't on the ball- pardon the pun.

What does the coach say when you say this to him?