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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH wants to do everything together all the time

78 replies

justwantaliein · 20/05/2022 11:42

Me and DH use to have lots of friends but I guess years deep and three kids we are all each other have. We do everything together and sometimes it's tricky as we want to do different things with different people.

Example I planned to go for dinner with mum tonight but he's working so I've had to cancel for tomorrow. Now his mum and dad have said they are coming to visit tomorrow so he wants me to cancel my mum again until Sunday.

I have said it's fine me and mum can go shopping tomorrow with the kids and go for lunch and you go see your family but he is saying no as he wants to go shopping aswell and why can't I just do it Sunday.

I love him to pieces but it's so frustrating sometimes I don't know how he would cope if I have lots of friends. I would love for him to start seeing his friends again but he says he doesn't have the time.

AIBU? I feel a bit trapped

OP posts:

Gensola · 20/05/2022 11:43

Just say no I want to see my mum on my own? Totally normal for mother and daughter to have time together without the son in law

TheYearOfSmallThings · 20/05/2022 11:45

I feel trapped just reading this. You don't need his permission to see your mum or anyone else - just say "No, I want to see her tomorrow."

Blossomtoes · 20/05/2022 11:45

It must feel suffocating. I feel for you, it would absolutely do my head in.

IncompleteSenten · 20/05/2022 11:46

You say no and you stick to your plans.

Maray1967 · 20/05/2022 11:46

Yes, absolutely this. You need to make your view clear now - and firmly. He can want what he wants, but it does not mean he gets his own way. I would not cancel a meet up with my family if DH family have just said they’re coming. Either they put their visit off or it goes ahead without me.
Get yourself some friends and go out. This would suffocate me.

Topgub · 20/05/2022 11:46

Why are you cancelling seeing your mum?

I dont get it.

MagicTurtle · 20/05/2022 11:47

How come he gets to decide OP? If you'd prefer to see your mum on your own, or if you don't want to cancel her again, you need to be a bit more assertive.

If you don't mind cancelling, that's fine. But if you do, say so!

Scabbyknackers · 20/05/2022 11:49

Absolutely be firm.here. it's not just the wanting to do everything together, it's the prioritising his wishes at the expense of you and your family. Are you able to reconnect with any old friends and start rebuilding your social life?

Shinyandnew1 · 20/05/2022 11:50

Did you cancel seeing your mum because his working meant you had no childcare or because he wanted to come?

If it’s because you had no childcare as he was working, can’t your mum come to you and you get a takeaway?

I find your post so sad. Why did you used to have friends but now don’t? We have all the same friends we had before having kids.

namechange30455 · 20/05/2022 11:50

Why did you "have to" cancel having dinner with your mum? It reads like it's just because he couldn't come rather than he needs to be at home to look after the kids or whatever? Is that right? If so that's insane. Why did you cancel?!

Original poster

justwantaliein · 20/05/2022 11:52

He doesn't get to decide it's all the umming and arring I can't stand all the back and fourth before we actually decide what we are doing. I cancelled tonight because he's working overtime and I know he would have wanted to come.

OP posts:

Topgub · 20/05/2022 11:54

@justwantaliein

Did he know you had plans when he took on the overtime?

I still don't get it. Why are you altering your plans based on what he is doing?

Youve made plans, its fuck all to do with him. Go and see your mum!

Topseyt123 · 20/05/2022 11:54

Why the hell are you cancelling seeing your mum? I wouldn't. Just go out with her on your own.

Why does he get to dictate? He shouldn't be. Tell him you are going, and if he questions it or tries to say you cannot go without him then tell him to bugger off.

abigailsnan · 20/05/2022 11:54

He does seem a wee bit controlling to me why does he not want you to see your mum on your own ?
I don't know what he would do regarding the relationship my DD & I have we go out for lunch 3/4 times a month on our own and go away to Majorca together for a week every June we are just getting ready to have our first week away since 2019 my OH was happy for us to go away together in fact he always paid for it when he was alive as part of our B'day presents.

Ebony69 · 20/05/2022 11:55

This sounds quite controlling of how you conduct your relationships with your respective families Is he controlling in any other way?

zafferana · 20/05/2022 11:56

I honestly have no idea how some posters on MN manage to function in life.

FGS OP just say no! Why does his family visit take precedence over yours? Why are you putting up with him being so clingy and inadequate? Just tell him that you're seeing your DM and you're not cancelling because it doesn't suit him.

If he's so desperate to go shopping he can go with you another time. No doubt dripping along behind you while you look at underwear, like the pathetic husbands I saw trailing round after their wives in M&S yesterday.

Alovelydayatlast · 20/05/2022 11:56

So surely he sees his dps and you see your dm?

Madmog · 20/05/2022 11:57

Tonight is your free time, so you should be able to do anything you want. If it's a case that he'd like to see your Mum and do something similar with her, then surely he can do it with you both another time. However, it seems there's more to this, he might not be doing it intentionally, but he's messing you around. If you've changed when you're seeing your Mum until tomorrow, you can't change it again. He has to decide if he wants to go shopping with you both or see his parents - another option is he goes shopping tomorrow and sees his parents Sunday!!

Topseyt123 · 20/05/2022 11:59

justwantaliein · 20/05/2022 11:52

Still no need to cancel. You could have had some lovely mum and daughter time with a nice meal too. He will see her another time.

I often go to see my elderly mother on my own. She lives some way away and I go by train. DH and the DDs might come with me once or twice a year. It really doesn't matter at all and I don't plan it around anyone's working hours.

Original poster

justwantaliein · 20/05/2022 11:59

His argument now is that we don't see his parents much anymore and he wants the baby to see them. But his parents don't seem to make much effort anymore, my mum is always calling checking up on us helping out with the kids etc.

I'm going with mum tomorrow anyway if he wants to take the kids with him he can. He isn't controlling I just think we're so use to being together. I've only recently started feel like I want to make some new friends and breakaway abit.

OP posts:

TruffleShuffles · 20/05/2022 11:59

I don’t like how you just casually brush off previously having a big group of friends and now have none, marriage and kids are something that a lot of people do and they can maintain friendships. It all sounds and bit suffocating and controlling.

Topgub · 20/05/2022 12:06

He sounds controlling

He's taken on overtime knowing you had plans and expected you to cancel them because it doesn't suit him. If he wants his parents to see his kids thats up to him to sort out.

I dont understand how this is even an issue?

I'm going out

Oh, well I wanted you not to/to do something else

Tough shit.

The end

Topseyt123 · 20/05/2022 12:06

Also, you are surely not obliged to stick around for when his parents are coming over at the expense of seeing your own mum! It wouldn't feel nice if she is constantly being cancelled or postponed because a royal visit from DH's family takes precedence!

Grow a backbone, and a thicker skin. See your mum. On your own if needed. Stop the cancelling because of him. Fuck that shit.

You seeing your mum doesn't preclude him from seeing his parents. The two are not mutually exclusive.

orwellwasright · 20/05/2022 12:09

He is controlling, OP. You're just not ready to see it yet.

Swayingpalmtrees · 20/05/2022 12:10

'Dh, you can either take the children to see your parents, or they can reschedule another time when I will be at home, but I will be honouring the arrangement I have with my mother this weekend'

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