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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH wants to do everything together all the time

78 replies

justwantaliein · 20/05/2022 11:42

Me and DH use to have lots of friends but I guess years deep and three kids we are all each other have. We do everything together and sometimes it's tricky as we want to do different things with different people.

Example I planned to go for dinner with mum tonight but he's working so I've had to cancel for tomorrow. Now his mum and dad have said they are coming to visit tomorrow so he wants me to cancel my mum again until Sunday.

I have said it's fine me and mum can go shopping tomorrow with the kids and go for lunch and you go see your family but he is saying no as he wants to go shopping aswell and why can't I just do it Sunday.

I love him to pieces but it's so frustrating sometimes I don't know how he would cope if I have lots of friends. I would love for him to start seeing his friends again but he says he doesn't have the time.

AIBU? I feel a bit trapped

OP posts:
Topseyt123 · 20/05/2022 12:11

justwantaliein · 20/05/2022 11:59

His argument now is that we don't see his parents much anymore and he wants the baby to see them. But his parents don't seem to make much effort anymore, my mum is always calling checking up on us helping out with the kids etc.

I'm going with mum tomorrow anyway if he wants to take the kids with him he can. He isn't controlling I just think we're so use to being together. I've only recently started feel like I want to make some new friends and breakaway abit.

Maybe his parents don't particularly want to be involved grandparents.

As you say though, if he wants to take the kids to see them then he can do so. You and your mum can go and enjoy some mother and daughter time unencumbered.

Swayingpalmtrees · 20/05/2022 12:11

Secondly, start building the life YOU want. Lots of friends and fun, start going to clubs or exercise classes and rebuild your friendships.
You are allowed a life of your own. Even when you are married!

Shoxfordian · 20/05/2022 12:12

He sounds controlling
Stop asking for permission and start organising your own life

Swayingpalmtrees · 20/05/2022 12:12

Your life sounds suffocating if I am honest.

prettyteapotsplease · 20/05/2022 12:14

Tell him it's making you feel trapped and resentful. I assume he loves you and wants you to be happy so if you communicate your feelings to him it should make him back off a bit. Many of us need a bit of space and your marriage will be healthier for it. If he's a proper grown-up rather than a petulant schoolboy it shouldn't put his nose out of joint.

Seeingadistance · 20/05/2022 12:17

Have I got this right?

if he can’t come with you, then you just have to stay in on your own?

Snoken · 20/05/2022 12:20

What a miserable life. Why have you neglected all your friends to the point that you no longer have any? Your friends are the ones who will be there for you all of your life, husbands don't always. If anything were to happen between you, you would be entirely alone except for possibly your mum it sounds like. To add to that, your husband also sounds unreasonably suffocating and clingy. No wonder you are starting to see that maybe having friends isn't such a bad idea after all. Not that he will ever allow you to see them on your own. You need to break this habit of doing everything together now, or you won't make any friends.

DontLookBackInAnger1 · 20/05/2022 12:22

What does your mum think? Does she ever say she'd like to see you alone?

We're a close family and my partner spends a lot of time with my family, but I think my mum would be upset if she never got to spend alone time with me.

If you prioritise your partner's feelings over your own and your family's (who will always be there, husband's aren't always) then you may find people step away.

How would you feel if, when your children are grown up, they only saw you if and when their partners could be there? Would you think that's ok? Would you want better for your daughter's?

ReadyToMoveIt · 20/05/2022 12:22

Bloody hell this is making me feel claustrophobic just reading it. You can’t see your mum on your own for dinner because he wants to come too?!
I am married with 3 children and both DH and I have plenty of friends, both mutual friends and individual. We both see our friends fairly regularly on our own. My family live abroad so we fly over to see them as a family but once there we’ll still do things separately.

Alovelydayatlast · 20/05/2022 12:24

I bet he actually invited his dps deliberately on the night you had planned to see your dm.

NewandNotImproved · 20/05/2022 12:32

‘His argument is’- nah.

So many threads lately by women who picked controlling males. There’s no excuse for it. Tell him ‘no.’ and if he continues to be controlling, divorce him and enjoy life.

hoomaeyya · 20/05/2022 12:35

Go and see people on your own. Your Mum is probably desperate to see you on your own rather than with your partner all the time.

As others have said, it is controlling.

Why do you have to be attached at hip? I wonder how he would react if you just said no, you will go on your own and actually carried it out? Would he go in a mood and be "off" with you?

If he does then it proves the controlling thing.

Classica · 20/05/2022 12:35

Put your foot down and nip this in the bud.

I feel stifled just reading it.

10HailMarys · 20/05/2022 12:37

justwantaliein · 20/05/2022 11:52

He doesn't get to decide it's all the umming and arring I can't stand all the back and fourth before we actually decide what we are doing. I cancelled tonight because he's working overtime and I know he would have wanted to come.

If you cancelled 'because you knew he'd want to come' then I'm afraid that's on you. You shouldn't have cancelled. He's going to be at work. What difference does it make to him where you go when he's not around?

Shinyandnew1 · 20/05/2022 12:41

If you cancelled 'because you knew he'd want to come' then I'm afraid that's on you. You shouldn't have cancelled. He's going to be at work. What difference does it make to him where you go when he's not around?

this x 100

cstaff · 20/05/2022 12:42

You need to have your own life also - both of you. Nights out with your friends and family and him with his. That is insane.

What happens if everything goes to shit - your marriage that is. Who do you have to turn to to confide in. I know you have your mum but you need more - friends you can tell anything to and know you can trust. I tell my mam plenty but there are certain things that I just don't go there with her.

This is a crazy set up OP. You need to start telling him what you are doing and just do it.

georgarina · 20/05/2022 12:42

justwantaliein · 20/05/2022 11:52

He doesn't get to decide it's all the umming and arring I can't stand all the back and fourth before we actually decide what we are doing. I cancelled tonight because he's working overtime and I know he would have wanted to come.

I really don't get this! Would you not have an ice cream when he's not there because he would have wanted one too?? Why does it matter what you do or who you see when he's not there? Surely your mum can come again?

SexyLittleNosferatu · 20/05/2022 12:43

I can't get my head around why you would cancel just so he could be there. How completely stifling. Let him uhm and ahh until he turns blue in the face! Make a plan, do what you want to do, leave him to it.

Shinyandnew1 · 20/05/2022 12:44

Fast forward a few years and you have dinner plans with your daughter, but she blows you out because her boyfriend wanted to come. How would you feel?

You are setting a terrible example to your kids here. And treating your mum really badly.

LuckySantangelo35 · 20/05/2022 12:45

justwantaliein · 20/05/2022 11:59

His argument now is that we don't see his parents much anymore and he wants the baby to see them. But his parents don't seem to make much effort anymore, my mum is always calling checking up on us helping out with the kids etc.

I'm going with mum tomorrow anyway if he wants to take the kids with him he can. He isn't controlling I just think we're so use to being together. I've only recently started feel like I want to make some new friends and breakaway abit.

He absolutely IS controlling

I could not be doing this.

get some friends and a life of your own away from him and pronto OP

Carrotmum · 20/05/2022 12:48

Has he got all a bit insular during Covid? Surely one of the best things about the end of restrictions is being able to go and mix with friends / family / randoms enjoying freely socialising again. Reach out to friends you haven’t seen for a while, I’m sure some of them will be receptive. Join a hobby group alone. If you work do you have a colleague you get on with if so suggest a night out, similar if you are a SAHM speak to one of the other parents and arrange something, kick start your social life ( away from your husband) get a family planner up on the wall and put stuff on it some things on your own some things with your husband. Let him know once it’s on the planner it’s staying ( unless it’s an emergency) encourage him to make solo plans as well, maybe if he had more going on himself he wouldn’t feel the need to super glue himself to you all the time.
My mum loves my DH but sometimes she just wants to spend time with me on our own.

Youseethethingis1 · 20/05/2022 12:51

Why do his parents get to just announce they will be visiting and all other plans have to go out the window? I don't get it.

Triffid1 · 20/05/2022 12:55

SOOOO many red flags:

  1. You don't have any other friends any more? How the F* did that happen? Controlling and isolating you.
  2. You aren't allowed to see your mum unless he's there? Controlling and isolating you
  3. He has no issues with very rudely constantly cancelling or rearranging your mum.So many things wrong with that one.
  4. He doesn't want you shopping alone? Financially controlling.
Being controlling doesn't mean that he's consciously and specifically doing it and manipulating you. I think too often the suggestion is that men like this are "BAD" or whatever and that makes it very hard for the person being abused to accept it because they don't and can't see their partner in that light. But the reality is that it doesn't matter if he's doing it unconsciously or due to insecurities or just a desperate attempt to remain close to you - the behaviour is still not okay.
Alovelydayatlast · 20/05/2022 12:57

My dh huffs if I do stuff without him. Like take dc for ice cream or get fish and chips... So now I send pics of our outings... He doesn't get to run my life...

fossilsmorefossils · 20/05/2022 13:01

As a mum I'd hate it if I could never see my daughter alone. It's not okay OP, it really isn't. He is slowly isolating you and you fon't even see it. If he's not controlling then he will let you take back control over your social life. Try it. Meet with your mum and with old friends. Go out for lunch with someone. It's okay if you haven't seen then for a couple of years, just blame the pandemic.

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