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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH wants to do everything together all the time

78 replies

justwantaliein · 20/05/2022 11:42

Me and DH use to have lots of friends but I guess years deep and three kids we are all each other have. We do everything together and sometimes it's tricky as we want to do different things with different people.

Example I planned to go for dinner with mum tonight but he's working so I've had to cancel for tomorrow. Now his mum and dad have said they are coming to visit tomorrow so he wants me to cancel my mum again until Sunday.

I have said it's fine me and mum can go shopping tomorrow with the kids and go for lunch and you go see your family but he is saying no as he wants to go shopping aswell and why can't I just do it Sunday.

I love him to pieces but it's so frustrating sometimes I don't know how he would cope if I have lots of friends. I would love for him to start seeing his friends again but he says he doesn't have the time.

AIBU? I feel a bit trapped

OP posts:
dottiedodah · 20/05/2022 13:02

I think this is a dangerous road to take.Everyone needs some time to themselves .Its fine to see Mum on your own .You have lots more to talk about as well! We see our friends separately .Works fine .Obv see others together as well .

Smartiepants79 · 20/05/2022 13:06

Find some friends, get a hobby, do you work??
This would drive me nuts.
It is occasionally ok to ask that plans be changed so the he can come along.
It is not healthy at all to never go anywhere without each other.
This will only get more annoying. Start trying to fix it now!

Youaremysunshine14 · 20/05/2022 13:10

The big group of friends you had before the kids came along – were they yours first, or his?

Honestly though, this sounds so suffocating. Why on earth would he be so desperate to go shopping with you and your mum that you cancelled seeing her today?

PinkSyCo · 20/05/2022 13:11

You may not think he’s controlling. Your DH himself may not even realise he’s controlling, but you not feeling able to do things without him is you, albeit subtlety, being controlled. Do not let him come between you and your mum. Think how awful she would feel if you blew her out for his parents, especially when she is the one who is always there for you. Start making it a regular thing where you meet up with her alone, and maybe join a club in order to hopefully make friends with like minded people. Encourage your DH to do the same. It’s so unhealthy for the both of you to be so dependant on each other.

Imhereforthememes · 20/05/2022 13:15

It sounds hardwork.

DH and I have the opposite problem. Both work full time, two kids and both fiercely protective of our time to be individuals. We probably spend about three nights a week together.

It works for us though and we're both happy with the arrangement.

AnneElliott · 20/05/2022 13:27

I agree he sounds controlling. My H moans about how many friends I have and how often I see them. But it's tough - I cultivated those friends when he was 'working' when DS was small and a bit of a handful. Now DS is a teen I go out just with my friends and we can leave the kids at home!

Don't cancel on your DM. H can take the kids or go alone to see his parents.

ViaRia · 20/05/2022 13:27

If OP says he’s not controlling, then he’s not controlling. Let’s all have a bit of faith in her and stop trying to persuade her that her feelings are wrong.

We don’t even know the bloke.

An unpopular opinion on MN but not every woman is under the control of their husband.

Clearly there is some issue or OP would not be here asking for advice. I get that. I agree with others though, that you should go along to your mums even if he can’t come. It’s also sometimes fine to adapt plans to fit around your husband if it’s convenient (that doesn’t necessarily mean he’s controlling) but it sounds as though it isn’t going to be convenient this time so just stick with plan A and have a nice time.

nearlyspringyay · 20/05/2022 13:32

That sounds suffocating. What if you went away with your mates for a night or holiday would he 'allow' that, dinner with your girlfriends?

billy1966 · 20/05/2022 13:35

You are feeling trapped for a reason.

Start pushing back or it will get a lot worse.

He is controlling, because he is focused on what he wants and is not considerate of what you want.

Start doing stuff on your own or you will get the Ick.

Once you have it, it is hard to come back from.

Mysisterlivesinbicester · 20/05/2022 13:40

Just the thought of this makes me feel suffocated. I see my adult children all the time without their partners. Their partners are fine, but I have no particular interest in them. I am, however, interested in my children. I also see my mum without my dad or DP being present. Sometimes I see my dad on his own. This is normal. Doing everything together is very, very claustrophobic and can cause problems if one person can't say "not this time, thanks".

ChateauxNeufDePoop · 20/05/2022 13:41

ViaRia · 20/05/2022 13:27

If OP says he’s not controlling, then he’s not controlling. Let’s all have a bit of faith in her and stop trying to persuade her that her feelings are wrong.

We don’t even know the bloke.

An unpopular opinion on MN but not every woman is under the control of their husband.

Clearly there is some issue or OP would not be here asking for advice. I get that. I agree with others though, that you should go along to your mums even if he can’t come. It’s also sometimes fine to adapt plans to fit around your husband if it’s convenient (that doesn’t necessarily mean he’s controlling) but it sounds as though it isn’t going to be convenient this time so just stick with plan A and have a nice time.

If OP says he’s not controlling, then he’s not controlling

He may not be, I get your point about the full picture, but that's a really dumb sentence.

A recurring theme on this board is helping women (and the occasional man) realise they're in an unhealthy relationship by piecing small things or patterns of behaviour together. A lot of people don't understand they have a bad partner just because they don't shout or punch.

icelolly12 · 20/05/2022 13:42

Surely you want some time just you and your Mum alone, not him there all the time. How stifling

whynotwhatknot · 20/05/2022 14:21

not that its the same but i cant ever see my dad on my own his wife has to be there-i feel its suffocating but i either see them together or i dont see them

maybe your mum feels the same way

ViaRia · 20/05/2022 14:29

@ChateauxNeufDePoop Although I object to you describing me (or my sentence) as dumb, I understand what you’re saying. I wouldn’t have said it on a post where the OP was listing various issues (big or small) that were associated with control or abuse.

But in the context of this thread, where the OP has described a particular issue and already states that she doesn’t think her husband is controlling, given that she knows him and I don’t, I’m inclined to respect her enough to believe her.

I know what you mean about the running theme on here and I’ve often thought that the general reaction of ‘has he always been this controlling?’ Or ‘LTB’ can be over the top. Of course, I’ve also read others which sound like the OP is in serious trouble… I’m not saying that controlling partners don’t exist at all.

MsMarch · 20/05/2022 14:30

whynotwhatknot · 20/05/2022 14:21

not that its the same but i cant ever see my dad on my own his wife has to be there-i feel its suffocating but i either see them together or i dont see them

maybe your mum feels the same way

Certainly that's how MIL felt when she wasn't allowed to ever see SIL unless it was with baby and BIL.

Rewis · 20/05/2022 14:35

Let me get this straight. You had plans with your mom, but you cancelled (willingly?) Because your husband is working and knew he wanted to join you. Then you re-arrainged for tomorrow. But his parents (that you don't see a lot?) Are coming into town and he is asking you to reschedule for Sunday.

Based on this scenario it doesn't come across too bad. Did he ask you to cancell going with your mom today or did you just do it? Does he want you to join in laws cause you don't meet up too often or is it because he doesn't want you to go alone with your mom? If you do it anywya, what happens?

billy1966 · 20/05/2022 14:59

AnneElliott · 20/05/2022 13:27

I agree he sounds controlling. My H moans about how many friends I have and how often I see them. But it's tough - I cultivated those friends when he was 'working' when DS was small and a bit of a handful. Now DS is a teen I go out just with my friends and we can leave the kids at home!

Don't cancel on your DM. H can take the kids or go alone to see his parents.

Good for you.

Many women posted on MN asking a question and by the end of the thread, a few posts later, realise that there IS a pattern of behaviour that is controlling, unkind, abusive, gaslighting.

How many posters mention amazing dads in the same breath as being controlled, belittled and abused.

Just because he WANTS to spend all HIS time with the OP, doesn't mean he gets to.

She has agency over her own life.
SHE gets to decide what is best for her.

She should go out with her mother tomorrow night and he should spend the evening with HIS parents.

She needs to push back hard on this, before it spoils her marriage and he needs it explained to him, firmly.

orwellwasright · 20/05/2022 15:04

ViaRia · 20/05/2022 13:27

If OP says he’s not controlling, then he’s not controlling. Let’s all have a bit of faith in her and stop trying to persuade her that her feelings are wrong.

We don’t even know the bloke.

An unpopular opinion on MN but not every woman is under the control of their husband.

Clearly there is some issue or OP would not be here asking for advice. I get that. I agree with others though, that you should go along to your mums even if he can’t come. It’s also sometimes fine to adapt plans to fit around your husband if it’s convenient (that doesn’t necessarily mean he’s controlling) but it sounds as though it isn’t going to be convenient this time so just stick with plan A and have a nice time.

Lol. Ok then. All the women in hospital with broken ribs and cheekbones insisting they 'fell down the stairs' or 'walked into a cupboard' aren't being abused. We don't even know the blokes! I'm sure they're lovely and we must never look beyond what a woman is saying.

Lolllllllllllll · 20/05/2022 15:12

Retirement going to be fun for you 😳
The kids will have left home and your husband will want to spend all his time with you!

Aghhhhhhhhhhhh!

Bunty55 · 20/05/2022 15:13

Gosh it sounds tedious OP !
Take control back because he is doing the very same. Start saying a firm 'No' to him when it does not suit you. Put boundaries up. If you go along with everything he won't get the message and it will always be like this

ViaRia · 20/05/2022 15:23

@orwellwasright thats not what the OP said though. I’m not sure how that’s at all relevant here.

orwellwasright · 20/05/2022 16:10

ViaRia · 20/05/2022 15:23

@orwellwasright thats not what the OP said though. I’m not sure how that’s at all relevant here.

Well, she did really.

She said that we should take women at their word when they say their partners are not controlling.

Abuse is difficult to spot and women are often poor judges of their own situations. We do them a disservice if we don't look deeper.

orwellwasright · 20/05/2022 16:11

orwellwasright · 20/05/2022 16:10

Well, she did really.

She said that we should take women at their word when they say their partners are not controlling.

Abuse is difficult to spot and women are often poor judges of their own situations. We do them a disservice if we don't look deeper.

Show quote history

Sorry. I misread your post.

No. I know the OP didn't say that but my point still stands.

It's the behaviour that's the relevant part, not how a woman interprets it.

ViaRia · 20/05/2022 19:29

@orwellwasright again, I do hear what you’re saying to some extent but what I don’t understand is why your interpretation of his behaviour is more valid than the OP’s interpretation.

I agree that the behaviour described in the OP COULD be a result of a controlling husband but I can also see that it might be something else, much less sinister.

Either way it’s still causing OP an issue and she needs to decide how to respond to improve her situation. None of this tangent is especially helpful to OP though so I’m happy to just agree to disagree.

SeedyBloomer · 20/05/2022 21:14

This is truly weird behaviour from him. He does not get to tag along on your dinner with your own mum and insist that you cancel if he can’t come! She is your mum, not a mutual friend. Shouldn’t even need pointing out. He sounds absolutely suffocating.