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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset by OH attitude towards our wedding

94 replies

Ladeeda23 · 19/05/2022 21:14

So we have been together 14 years engaged 7!

We have recently had 2 children and I feel now is the right time and that I'd like to get married to show our love and be a solid family unit... so have started making it tentative plans.

I asked OH today a few questions about the wedding and he just rolled his eyes, later on I asked if he was excited about it (as I am) and he said 'no'. It really upset me and I said do you want to actually get married and he said we basically are already and that a piece of paper doesn't make a difference.
I asked what's the point in being engaged then if you don't want to actually get married I may aswell not wear the engagement ring because every time I try and make plans he shuts them down.

Would anyone else feel this way or AIBU?

OP posts:
RedSoloCup · 19/05/2022 21:15

Have you set a date yet?

cigarettesNalcohol · 19/05/2022 21:16

Yanbu. He should want to get married too. Definitely not normal for you to be the only one pushing this. It would make me question a big part of the relationship for sure...

Merryoldgoat · 19/05/2022 21:17

Every. Single. Day.

What’s your financial position OP? Do you own a house together?

gwenneh · 19/05/2022 21:19

Marriage certainly does make a difference in terms of legal protections and if he's a functioning adult he knows that as well.

So I'd be asking questions -- not about the wedding, but why he doesn't want to make sure you & the children have those legal rights.

Vikinga · 19/05/2022 21:19

Get married op. If you have children it is pretty important. If it is just a piece of paper, he won't mind getting married then, eh?

Original poster
Ladeeda23 · 19/05/2022 21:20

@RedSoloCup not yet. Just made initial enquiries.

@Merryoldgoat yes we own two properties jointly.

OP posts:
KangarooKenny · 19/05/2022 21:20

Oh dear. This isn’t going to end well.

Original poster
Ladeeda23 · 19/05/2022 21:21

@gwenneh excuse my ignorance but rights specifically are you referring to out of interest?

OP posts:
SpaceMaaaaan · 19/05/2022 21:21

If he'd wanted to get married he'd have done it before the kids were on the scene tbh

Spitescreen · 19/05/2022 21:21

I didn’t in the least want to marry my longterm partner, whom I adored — I did so only on condition we just took two witnesses down to the register office. If he’d asked me whether I was ‘excited’, I’d have done a damn sight more than roll my eyes. On the day he was pleased I actually showed. Look, you have a committed longterm relationship, and children — presumably you love one another. This is just a useful legality.

Original poster
Ladeeda23 · 19/05/2022 21:21

@KangarooKenny this thread or our relationship?!

OP posts:
SpaceMaaaaan · 19/05/2022 21:22

If he dies you could be in trouble unless his will is water tight

Original poster
Ladeeda23 · 19/05/2022 21:22

@Spitescreen thank you for the input from the other side. A registry office and two witnesses is exactly our/my plan!

OP posts:
thistimelastweek · 19/05/2022 21:24

Sounds like he's on board with the getting married, he's just not excited about the big day/party.

chickenninja · 19/05/2022 21:24

Why does he need to be excited? Not much will change day to day. And the wedding day is a bit of a faff to be honest. And a lot of money.

Merryoldgoat · 19/05/2022 21:24

Ladeeda23 · 19/05/2022 21:21

@gwenneh excuse my ignorance but rights specifically are you referring to out of interest?

Is this a joke? Are you new round here?!

SaveMePlease · 19/05/2022 21:24

I've been married for 8 years and still say that up until we had kids, there was no difference between going out, being engaged and being married. You've done the kid step already but I'm probably more aligned with your OH on the whole 'marriage is just a piece of paper' thing.

My DW was way more excited about our wedding than I was. I'm very introverted, don't like attention and hate even celebrating my own birthday so I saw the wedding as an event that had to be done for the sake of marriage but also softened it by appreciating that it was a good way for family and friends to come together. Are there any reasons why your OH might not be looking forward to an actual wedding day (e.g. anxiety, financial?)

Thatswhyimacat · 19/05/2022 21:25

Hmmm, your OP doesn't say to me that he doesn't want to - just that he's not excited about it, which I can see after kids and commitment already why he maybe wouldn't care so much. Unless he's not actually prepared to marry you, I'd view it as a natural consequence of you already having done the 'big bit' in his eyes.

notanothertakeaway · 19/05/2022 21:25

Sorry to say it, but if he wanted to marry you, you'd be married by now

So, he doesn't want to marry you. And that's ok. Bo one should get married against their wishes

Question is, what are you going to do?

Not an easy situation for you

Gettingthereslowly2020 · 19/05/2022 21:26

If he really wanted to marry you, he'd have married you years ago. He probably doesn't see the point now when you already live together and have children together. He'll probably go ahead with the wedding if you keep nagging him about it but it's unlikely he'll be excited and enthusiastic about it.

Getting married is exciting when you're first starting your lives together and making a commitment to each other. In your case, you're already committed with the children, you're only really getting married for the legal benefits and to make sure you don't get screwed over if he leaves you in the future.

I'm sure you can still have a lovely wedding day though and celebrate your relationship with family and friends.

SpaceMaaaaan · 19/05/2022 21:27

Ladeeda23 · 19/05/2022 21:22

@Spitescreen thank you for the input from the other side. A registry office and two witnesses is exactly our/my plan!

Sounds good now just book it for the nearest date you can and get on with it

KangarooKenny · 19/05/2022 21:27

Ladeeda23 · 19/05/2022 21:21

@KangarooKenny this thread or our relationship?!

The relationship. How many threads do you think have been on here with women strung along by men ?
I truly hope you make this marriage happen.

Notimeforaname · 19/05/2022 21:27

Hes just not bothered about getting married/the planning of a wedding.

I get that's disappointing but many people arent that interested and cant really force themselves to pretend to be.

I think if you really want to marry him then accept he isnt going to be excited or even that interested in the planning, you can plan it and he'll show up.

Or you can have it out with him...tell him your expectations and what youd like him to do towards the planning, but you cant make him be interested in it if he's just not.

meditrina · 19/05/2022 21:28

he said we basically are already and that a piece of paper doesn't make a difference

Well, he couldn't be more wrong on that one, could he?

Notimeforaname · 19/05/2022 21:29

I don't think hes stringing you along either. He isnt refusing to marry you, he's just not very Interested in the actual event or planning..

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