To be upset by OH attitude towards our wedding

[Ladeeda23]

So we have been together 14 years engaged 7!

We have recently had 2 children and I feel now is the right time and that I'd like to get married to show our love and be a solid family unit... so have started making it tentative plans.

I asked OH today a few questions about the wedding and he just rolled his eyes, later on I asked if he was excited about it (as I am) and he said 'no'. It really upset me and I said do you want to actually get married and he said we basically are already and that a piece of paper doesn't make a difference.
I asked what's the point in being engaged then if you don't want to actually get married I may aswell not wear the engagement ring because every time I try and make plans he shuts them down.

Would anyone else feel this way or AIBU?

How so? I work, I own half our house which is almost paid for, I have my own as well as a joint bank account with my DP, I have my own savings and I have always paid into a private pension so I’ll be okay regardless if DP leaves or not. If he pops his clogs, we have a will which we set up as soon as DS was born which leaves the surviving partner everything.

I am in no way in a vulnerable position, yes there are possible tax implications to not being married, but nothing that’s going to have me running down the aisle!

I'd take the ring off, give it away, to a charity shop if you had no one to give it to or give it back if I knew he would accept it and cry. A wedding is a celebration, if hes too thick to see that let alone want that I'd wonder what was on his mind all the time. You? Then I would stop asking to marry and if he asked I would refuse and never do it. Does he tend to be so careless about your happiness or even happiness together

Also it's nice to be able to call each other husband and wife. Otherwise it's a bit like being with someone and them "not seeing" why you should be official.

If you’ve been engaged for seven years and haven’t got married, you’re never getting married. Ditch this ‘relationship’ and accept that you’ll never get what you want.

@Eightiesfan - there are widows benefits you would be entitled to if you were married and your DH died while you had dependent children.

You can't claim those if you're not married at the time of death.

@Eightiesfan - there are widows benefits you would be entitled to if you were married and your DH died while you had dependent children

not since 2001 in the uk.

o/p “rights” and “protection” from marriage is often talked about, but it assumes the woman is the lower earner with fewer assets.

if you are the higher earner, or have more assets, then you will lose out on divorce as everything is split 50:50. So if that’s the case better protection is not getting married.

nok, inheritance, death benefits from employment etc can be arranged easily enough.

I know they do but they have been engaged for years before the kids were there. Kids change a relationship and if he sees them as more of a commitment than marriage (a lot of people do) then he probably can't see the point of being married.

Why has it taken you so long between engagement to start planning it? Took a long time to get engaged too really. He’s not that bothered op

Is he otherwise a good partner ?

The fact that you've been engaged for seven years says a lot!

This.

@FinallyHere
He really doesn't have to get excited, that's what girl friends are for.

Women need to stop dumping these things on their friends.
Get the emotional support from your man or find a new one!

‘Split’ Blimmin’ predictive text 🤣🤣

Well weddings are hard work to plan, and expensive, and often one partner is less excited than the other about event planning (usually the man but not always).

But I would still be expecting some enthusiasm and willingness to help out, and especially an excitement to be married. Does he actually want to be married to you? What does it mean to him to be married? Maybe you need to ask these questions. If he's really not bothered or unresponsve then you might be flogging a dead horse here - are you sure you want to stay with him when he is much less excited about the prospect of long term commitment than you are?

You are talking about entering into a partnership for life. Whilst you've been together 14 years, the rest of your lives is hopefully a lot longer than that.

Does that mean anything to him?

It all sounds like hard work to me. It's one thing to not be enthusiastic about a wedding, but if he's not enthusiastic about the actual marriage and you are, that is a problem. A lifelong promise is something that you both really have to be on the same page about.

Why do you want to be married?
Youve been together for 14 years. And have 2 kids. That's the ultimate commitment

I think most of us have read posts on here where a couple have split up and the woman (usually the lower earner) reveals that they are unmarried and she has very little in the way of savings, earning potential, career and its only his name on the house. Being unmarried can make you very financially vulnerable. Not always.

So I would disagree that having kids with with someone is the ultimate commitment.

Oh but i guess there is legal benefits
Maybe just present it to him from that perspective . Make it a business proposal. He is obs not into the romantic side of it...

You need to tell him about the protections marries affords you and HIS CHILDREN. Next of kin, medical decisions, funeral planning, financial stability. He is being selfish and risking the security of you and your children. HE might 'feel married' but to you, it is important. And if he loves you, what is important to you should feel important to him.

If contracts are just a piece of paper, when you bought your property, did he bother with them or just hand over the cash and hope for the best?

Marriage isn’t a piece of paper and he knows it.

There’s a difference between wanting to be married and wanting a wedding, though. Many men are extremely happy to get married but have no interest at all in cakes, balloons, flower arrangements, invitation cards and paying for food and drink for tens of people that they barely know and don’t like.

Ask him would he rather a basic registry office, if he is not fussed about a wedding it’s a lot of expense. Would a civil partnership be an option? The only point of getting married is the legal protection, the point of a wedding is declaring your love in front of family/friends and celebrating. It’s completely reasonable for him not to want a wedding but he shouldn’t have issue with a marriage if he is already in a committed long term relationship with you.

Is it the marriage he’s not interested in or the wedding?

yes I would be upset but I’d rather have honesty than faux excitement…. at least you know where he stands and can talk about it.

Sounds like he’s happy to be married to you but not excited about the wedding. I totally understand you being disappointed with this, he could at least see your enthusiasm and make a bit of an effort, but ultimately a wedding is just one day and a marriage is what matters, sounds to me like he feels he’s already made the commitment, I’d focus on that and find someone else to talk to about wedding plans x

I adore my DP with every fibre of my being, and we’ve been together 20 years. If we were getting married, I wouldn’t be ‘excited’ either. I’m just not interested in weddings in the slightest and would just want to get it over with.

It really isn't.