To be upset by OH attitude towards our wedding

[Ladeeda23]

So we have been together 14 years engaged 7!

We have recently had 2 children and I feel now is the right time and that I'd like to get married to show our love and be a solid family unit... so have started making it tentative plans.

I asked OH today a few questions about the wedding and he just rolled his eyes, later on I asked if he was excited about it (as I am) and he said 'no'. It really upset me and I said do you want to actually get married and he said we basically are already and that a piece of paper doesn't make a difference.
I asked what's the point in being engaged then if you don't want to actually get married I may aswell not wear the engagement ring because every time I try and make plans he shuts them down.

Would anyone else feel this way or AIBU?

He can change his will without telling you and as you're not married you'd really struggle to contest it successfully in England. Same with death in service at work and pensions.

Also, if one if you is critically ill, the other cannot make decisions because they are not next of kin. You can resolve this by signing over power of attorney, there are two types - money and health.

And yes, there are tax implications in terms of inheritance tax limits.

And if he leaves you, he simply takes what's his and potentially provides support for the kids, but nothing to you. He then marries someone else and the kids are written out of his will. And same for you if you leave him of course.

I'm no fan of marriage, never been married, but these things are important to know and ensure you're comfortable with them all.

hshahaha at the idea of having children together being the ultimate commitment. A trip to the relationship board will show that men regularly fuck off or behave in ways that show they don’t give a monkeys about the “ultimate commitment” they’ve made by pro creating with someone

OP I get why you’re disappointed but the important thing is being married and from what you’ve said that’s what’s important to you rather than having a wedding circus

Being pragmatic, I think you need to press ahead with your simple wedding plans OP.

It is NOT just a piece of paper and he is probably well aware of this.

And if he leaves you, he simply takes what's his and potentially provides support for the kids, but nothing to you. He then marries someone else and the kids are written out of his will. And same for you if you leave him of course

he can write the kids out of his will whether you were married or not. Even if you are married. And it’s rare to get spousal support post divorce as well.

the best way for a woman to “protect” herself is to not give up work and make herself vulnerable after having kids. Keep up the pension, keep up the earning potential, buy her own house. We’ve all seen how someone can get shafted in divorce- be financially independent then it doesn’t matter what he does.

he can write the kids out of his will whether you were married or not. Even if you are married. And it’s rare to get spousal support post divorce as well.

Yes, of course, I didn't say he couldn't. It was just a scenario.

Spousal support may be rare - except it's not. Ongoing spousal support is rare, but often a woman is the lower earner or home maker and a settlement is put in place which includes a lump sum to "buy out" spousal support. Or even an order to stay in the house until the kids are 18. The sexes can, of course, be reversed.

The rights to the home are different if it's not a marital asset just jointly owned.

Men, usually, only want to get married if they are worried the relationship will end if they don't marry.

A man who loves his kids will, usually, want to stay living with them whether or not he is married to their mother.

That's a massive generalisation. There are plenty of men who know what they want and who choose to propose to their partners without being nudged.

I also got married after 12 years and 2 DC. We had no engagement, no ring, no proposal, they are not legally required. I said to get it sorted as he would save thousands in tax, he was about to start earning much more from his own company and in Germany being married saves the self employed lots of money. We did the Rathaus ceremony, 2 guests (the PIL), grabbed a takeaway on the way home. Spent the money we saved on home improvements.

This is such bollocks.

I’ve never yet met a man who’s interested in wedding planning. I expect there are some men like that, but I have never met one. DH was basically a guest at ours, and pleasantly surprised by the various things I’d arranged 🙄 🤣

He just can’t be arsed with the fuss OP and would rather spend the money on something else. (I had a head start on that as I was the sole earner back then so I just paid for our wedding myself 🤷‍♀️)

Suggest you reassure him that you aren’t going to spend lots of £ but you are excited to be his wife and there is no reason to wait, so here is the plan. Then go for a minimalist wedding. If he likes drinking / has lots of mates, perhaps start talking about whether or not he’d like a stag do, men often seem more interested in that (although my DH couldn’t be arsed with that either.)

Yanbu to be upset that your groom has no interest in his wedding, but please don’t feel that this is unusual - it’s pretty standard.

Have you talked to him about the legalities? I presume that's behind his lack of enthusiasm.

I’d imagine it’s the opposite, that he has no objection to getting married but has no interest in a wedding.

It seems to be a very common trait that it’s the bride who is more excited by the day itself.

Slightly but OP is saying it's just a registry office and 2 witnesses.

Weddings are romantic when they are about two people starting a new life together. In your situation it's mostly a legal formality and I don't think it's weird that he isn't excited about it, tbf. Your should definitely do it, though. If he died or left you, you could be left in dire financial trouble on top of everything else. Just do it!!!

I’ve never yet met a man who’s interested in wedding planning. I expect there are some men like that, but I have never met one. DH was basically a guest at ours, and pleasantly surprised by the various things I’d arranged

generally a wedding is all about what the bride wants, so men tend to defer to her and her family. I’ve yet to meet a bride who didn’t want to be involved in every step of the planning.

dh has been married twice. First one was a big one- he hated it as he felt he got no say, it was the brides day, and he felt pretty much an afterthought. It was just a case of turning up when told, while everyone oohed over the bride. Also he saw his life savings go down the pan in one single day. Cost thousands.

second we eloped. I told him I wanted to just fuck off to gretna or vegas, he sorted it. He actually felt like part of it and not just some add on to the day.

social pressure. Maybe if men were socialised to dream of their wedding day rather than have everyone tell them they’re being “tied down”, ball and chain digs etc.

I don’t think that it’s the men’s view which we should work to change. The idea of someone of normal means saving up or borrowing tens of thousands of pounds to show off to everyone how special their big day is is ludicrous.

When I was growing up it seemed much more sensible. A nice church or registry office ceremony, possibly with a posh dress, followed by the function room of a pub for a roast lunch and / or buffet.

Really "Also he saw his life savings go down the pan in one single day"

I don't understand how anyone could do this, let alone someone who is saying they didn't want it.

"First one was a big one- he hated it as he felt he got no say, it was the brides day, and he felt pretty much an afterthought. It was just a case of turning up when told, while everyone oohed over the bride. Also he saw his life savings go down the pan in one single day. Cost thousands."

Jesus. I hope he's developed something of a spine since then.

You need a proper chat about this OP, which should include him finding out that you are in no way basically married already and that 'the piece of paper' ie the legal contract very much makes a difference.

Basically though, it's hard to call. We do see a lot of posts on here from women whose partners have strung them along with promises of marriage they don't intend to honour, and this only becomes clear a mortgage and couple of kids later. It's a very regular occurence. OTOH his phrasing doesn't necessarily mean that's what happened here, he could still mean he isn't bothered but also not unwilling. You're going to need to talk to him to find out which category this falls into.