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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset by OH attitude towards our wedding

94 replies

Ladeeda23 · 19/05/2022 21:14

So we have been together 14 years engaged 7!

We have recently had 2 children and I feel now is the right time and that I'd like to get married to show our love and be a solid family unit... so have started making it tentative plans.

I asked OH today a few questions about the wedding and he just rolled his eyes, later on I asked if he was excited about it (as I am) and he said 'no'. It really upset me and I said do you want to actually get married and he said we basically are already and that a piece of paper doesn't make a difference.
I asked what's the point in being engaged then if you don't want to actually get married I may aswell not wear the engagement ring because every time I try and make plans he shuts them down.

Would anyone else feel this way or AIBU?

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 19/05/2022 21:30

SpaceMaaaaan · 19/05/2022 21:21

If he'd wanted to get married he'd have done it before the kids were on the scene tbh

So could she.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 19/05/2022 21:31

I don't think lack of excitement means he isn't committed or doesn't love you. Basically it is security, not a declaration of love. Its still worth doing but not majorly exciting unless you want a swanky, expensive wedding or you were still childless and in the romantic days of your relationship as opposed to a very settled family relationship iyswim

grapewines · 19/05/2022 21:34

He's clearly doing this because you want to, not because he does. Otherwise, he would have done it long ago. Seven years engaged should tell you that.

But hey, at least he'll do it.

gwenneh · 19/05/2022 21:36

Ladeeda23 · 19/05/2022 21:21

@gwenneh excuse my ignorance but rights specifically are you referring to out of interest?

There's a few. Some are in the event of a relationship breaking down, some are in the event of a health emergency:
Home rights (the right to stay in the marital home in the event of a split.)
Financial access in the event of a death (it is easier to access the finances of a deceased spouse than a cohabitor, rights to a joint account can be contested by a legal next of kin if you're not married, etc.) Pensions may or may not offer a benefit to a surviving partner, but that's dependent on the scheme - easier to be a spouse.
Inheritance, in the event of death -- cohabiting partners have fewer rights than a spouse to an estate. A will is necessary, but that's one of the other "pieces of paper" he seems so unconcerned about.
Property rights -- again, unless you specifically have arrangements on any property you own, then equity and ownership are complicated for cohabiting couples in the event of a split or a death.
Decision-making rights -- if you're cohabiting and one of you becomes seriously ill, you won't automatically have the right to make decisions. This is true regarding health care, finances, etc. Being recognised as next of kin makes your life immeasurably easier if you're in a worst-case scenario.

FinallyHere · 19/05/2022 21:42

that a piece of paper doesn't make a difference.

If you career has taken any sort of hit having had DC, smile and nod, and get married. Focus on being married, both the preparations.

He really doesn't have to get excited, that's what girl friends are for.

Now DH loves me I know and definitely wanted to get married. He really didn't care about any of the arrangements and I was happy that he left it all to me.

If he has been doing all the childcare and more than his share of housework, and you have substantial assets, bin him off and don't get married.

That piece by paper makes a hugh difference.

You can transfer assets between you without any impact on tax, so you can between you pass on £1M of assets to your DH with no inheritance tax to pay.

If your marriage lasts, your assets will be shared in the case that you decide to divorce him, or he you.

All the best.

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 19/05/2022 21:46

that a piece of paper doesn't make a difference

then why doesnt he want to do it, if it is just a piece of paper to him but an important legal ceremony with legal rights to you?

Onwards22 · 19/05/2022 21:47

I voted YABU as I would feel like him.

I don’t really see the point of getting married and especially in your situation when you always act like a married couple anyway.

What is the reason you want to get married?
It is obviously a big deal for you as you’re upset.

How do you want him to act?

bellac11 · 19/05/2022 21:50

I wouldnt be excited either. Ive never wanted to be married (and Im not)

coffeecupsandfairylights · 19/05/2022 21:54

I don't think he necessarily has to be excited but if you just want a registry office wedding, what's stopping you ringing up
tomorrow and booking it all?

DH and I had a tiny wedding (just us and our parents) and we booked everything over the phone in about thirty minutes. The guy we dealt with was really helpful and it was so easy to do.

AnotherAnxiousMess · 19/05/2022 21:55

Is it the wedding he’s not bothered about, or the marriage? Because wedding’s are kind of a farce… they cause stress, usually cost a ridiculous sum of money and it’s all for one day.

BadNomad · 19/05/2022 22:03

After 14 years together and two children, I can see why getting married is not really a big deal for him. It doesn't prove anything 14 years and two children doesn't with regard to showing love and commitment to family. If YOU want to get married, go ahead and make plans, but you'll likely be arranging it without much input or enthusiasm from him, unfortunately.

Testina · 19/05/2022 22:19

Ladeeda23 · 19/05/2022 21:22

@Spitescreen thank you for the input from the other side. A registry office and two witnesses is exactly our/my plan!

Tbf, I’m not sure how excited you expect him to be about that? What were the questions?

Eightiesfan · 19/05/2022 22:20

SpaceMaaaaan · 19/05/2022 21:21

If he'd wanted to get married he'd have done it before the kids were on the scene tbh

I’m sorry but I completely disagree, plenty of couples get married after they have children. I can see both points of view. I understand why you want to get married, but I can also see that your OH might not seem outwardly excited as he feels your commitment without a piece of paper that legally declares you husband and wife.

I’ve been with my DP for over 20 years, 2 DC and a joint mortgage, and we’ve never even seriously discussed marriage. As far as we’re concerned our commitment to each other are our children.

We may or may not get married in the future, but I suspect I will be like your OH if this happened, it does not mean I think any less of marriage to him or our commitment, just that we’ve been together for so long, that I would struggle to get excited.

So please do not take his reaction to heart, if he is like me, it is not a reflection of his feelings for you.

insomnia101 · 19/05/2022 22:26

I'm really not sure you know. My DP was very excited for our wedding and did all the planning. I wasn't excited, more nervous. I wasn't even bothered really about getting married. We've now been married 8 years and we're very happy. But my partner probably didn't think I was interested at the time.
I didn't like all the fuss of a wedding really. Do you think that could be it? I remember just wanting to nip to the registry office and then go for a meal but DP was having none of it.

Sortilege · 19/05/2022 22:31

Oh dear. Do you think he’s going to try to wriggle out of it? 7 years is a long time for an engagement, especially as you’d already been together for 7 years when you got engaged.

If it’s just lack of enthusiasm, is he aware of inheritance tax implications?

Aquamarine1029 · 19/05/2022 22:32

Who's the higher earner? Who has the the most savings/assets/ect?

DirectionToPerfection · 19/05/2022 22:33

The main thing is whether he's willing to get married in order to provide security to you and the children. Being excited about an actual wedding is a different thing (how many men are actually excited about that?).

Is he fine with a low key wedding, or is he dragging his feet on getting married?

It's totally reasonable to want marriage but if he doesn't you do have a decision to make.

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/05/2022 22:41

Eightiesfan · 19/05/2022 22:20

I’m sorry but I completely disagree, plenty of couples get married after they have children. I can see both points of view. I understand why you want to get married, but I can also see that your OH might not seem outwardly excited as he feels your commitment without a piece of paper that legally declares you husband and wife.

I’ve been with my DP for over 20 years, 2 DC and a joint mortgage, and we’ve never even seriously discussed marriage. As far as we’re concerned our commitment to each other are our children.

We may or may not get married in the future, but I suspect I will be like your OH if this happened, it does not mean I think any less of marriage to him or our commitment, just that we’ve been together for so long, that I would struggle to get excited.

So please do not take his reaction to heart, if he is like me, it is not a reflection of his feelings for you.

Show quote history

You didn’t get engaged before having your children. They did. That’s quite a big difference.

skodadoda · 19/05/2022 22:43

That piece of paper makes a huge difference in legal terms. As a wife you become his next of kin and would be protected should you split or in the event of his death.

skodadoda · 19/05/2022 22:46

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/05/2022 22:41

You didn’t get engaged before having your children. They did. That’s quite a big difference.

Show quote history

If you are not married you are in a very vulnerable place if you were to splurge or if he died

Shinyandnew1 · 19/05/2022 22:50

I think splurging would make anyone vulnerable.

DitzyBluebells · 19/05/2022 22:50

You don't have an engagement ring. You have a shut-you-up ring, which has worked upto now. 💐

Thepossibility · 19/05/2022 23:06

Meh, I wasn't excited about the wedding and we didn't even have kids yet. Didn't mean I didn't want to get married it just seemed like hard work. We were already living together. You ARE living like a married couple, so it would feel like just a bit of paper to him. Don't let it stop you being excited though.

AngelinaFibres · 19/05/2022 23:08

Ladeeda23 · 19/05/2022 21:21

@gwenneh excuse my ignorance but rights specifically are you referring to out of interest?

A 2 second Google search will tell you all you need to know