For forcing DS to go to Scouts?

[Belovedgi]

DS is 12, having problems making friends at secondary school. Some of the boys in his form go to the local Scouts. In fact there are a few boys from his old primary that go too.

DS has been twice now and is refusing to go back. Says it is boring and he feels awkward as everyone knows each other and are friends.

I told him he needs to go a few more times rather than just give up and the more times he goes the easier he will get. They do all sorts of fun activities like camping, going to the cinema and indoor wall climbing.

I NEED him to make more friends, get some confidence and ultimately leave the house to do stuff other than just going to school.

AIBU to force him to keep going? He says he hates it but I think in the end this would be good for him. I keep reading that joining clubs is the only way to make more friends.

Are there any clubs that HE wants to join? At 12 I knew quite clearly where I wanted or didn't want to spend my time.

Are there any activities he likes the look of, be it outside of school, during weekends etc? A sport, instrument, some other type of club? Does it HAVE to be Scouts?

Why do you think it'll be easier to make friends there when he's said he hates it and the other boys don't sound particularly interested?

Force him? Unreasonable.
Encourage him? Yes.

Not all kids like Scouts. Have a good look around, see what's on offer and let him choose.

I sort of agree with you op. The likelihood is that if he sticks it out he will make friends and enjoy it . Having friends outside school builds confidence and resilience

Is there anything else he would try ?

Why do you need him to make more friends? An introverted person can be perfectly happy and not lonely with a few good friends.

Besides, he’s gone twice and no one there is interesting in befriending him, so what is the point in continuing when he also finds the activities boring? Perhaps find something he’d be interested in doing so it’s about having a hobby for the love of it rather than as a way to make more friends.

I'd talk to the scout leader before the next meet if you can and take an assessment from them. Often they will know whether a particular group is difficult to get into as a newbie. And are used to helping kids fit in.

You're probably right about clubs being useful for friends but it doesn't have to be scouts (Appreciate sports and others are often prohibitively expensive though). Is there an air cadets or sea scouts or something similar in the area? Tough one.

I'm guessing he's yr7 so gone to secondary this year? It took my dd until mid Yr8 to find her crowd at secondary.

I NEED him to make more friends, get some confidence and ultimately leave the house to do stuff other than just going to school

I'm not sure that forcing him to go to scouts is going to be the magic bullet you think it is.

I keep reading that joining clubs is the only way to make more friends

You seem quite fixated on this "he needs to be popular, he needs to have friends, he needs to get out of the house and hang out with his friends and be confident".

First up: Love the kid you have, not the one you think they ought to be.

Secondly: Not everyone is a social butterfly with a wide circle of friends. That's fine. Nagging at your son to make friends and be confident is going to have the oposite effect.

Thirdly: model the behaviour you want to see. Why don't YOU join a group and make a load of new friends and be confident?

Scouts isn't for everyone. He may find another group that's more his thing, I don't think at 12 you can/should force him to take up something that he doesn't enjoy.

I have suggested so many other things and he says NO to everything. He hates sports, enjoys swimming but refuses to join local swimming club or any after school clubs.

it’s exhausting. I thought Scouts would be good because he actually knows boys there already so less scary. He is a shy quiet boy.

I’m just worried he’s going to spend his whole life in his bedroom playing Roblox.

If he's the type of kid that quits rather than try anything remotely difficult definitely make him go for a bit longer - maybe another four weeks?

If he's generally happy to try new things and willing to do other activities then I'd say he's tried, didn't like it and you should listen.

(I had the first type and made him go to Scouts for four weeks even though he moaned each week. He ended up staying for years and years - loved it!)

How do you force a 12 year old to go to a club? I’m not sure making him do something he really doesn’t want (or need) to do will help with his confidence building. I would be encouraging him to join clubs/take up hobbies but ultimately he should be afforded his free will. How would you like to be forced to join a club?

I don't think two sessions is long enough to make friends. Explain to him this is the uncomfortable bit but in a month he will feel differently

Could you ask the scout master to help him q bit maybe pair him up with someone without him realising. It might be painful if they all know each other

We say they have to try something for a term.

Thing is DS is desperate for friends, has a couple in school but tells me he is lonely. He had lots in primary and was a happy boy. Now he seems to be getting quieter and quieter. He tells me he feels sad about not having more friends. But yes if he was happy being alone I wouldn’t care, but it is because HE is lonely I’m trying to help him with the clubs.

DH picked DS up from scouts and said he was chatting away to a couple of other boys so it’s not like he was left on his own.

finewords do you deliberately mean to be so cruel. I have many friends Thankyou and am actually going to play badminton tonight not that I need to explain myself to you.

Find a Roblox (or other similar games) club if he likes Roblox.
Why does he have to join a club to go swimming.... can't he just go swimming.
What else does he enjoy? Reading, Lego, animals, the environment, trading card games? Often there are drop in activities around for things like this.
Sometimes it's better to just do stuff on a casual bases rather than join a club. Especially one like the scouts which is all rituals and uniform (enough of that in school surely)

I empathise hugely with your DS. I am somewhat introverted and didn't enjoy a lot of these types of activities as an older child and teen. If he's into Roblox, then maybe he'd prefer joining a coding course for his age group.

OK thanks for advice. Perhaps I should just let him make his own decision. Was just trying to help but can see what some of you mean about it being like school with all the uniform etc in fact DS actually referred to this weeks Scout session as “in class” 🤣

Don't force him. My mum forced me to go to guides. I hated every second of it.

Very unreasonable, I was forced to go to Guides and I bloody hated it.

I am not sure how forcing him to do something he hates will help?

What was so wrong with Guides? I went and really enjoyed it!

I’d say try for a half term at least.

Please don't force him into activities he doesn't want to do. Would you keep doing something you dread?

Those 'organised fun' activities in a big group were my worst nightmare at that age. Forcing me to go wouldn't have changed that.

Maybe find an activity that actually suits his interests and him? Gaming clubs?

I too was forced to go to guides. Back then it was literally wife and mother training. For example, we spent half a year getting Red across certified in infant CPR and babysitting. We went “camping” and it was a weekend sitting in a shed in a park learning to crochet Christmas ornaments. I hated it and wished I could be a Scout because the boys got to do all the fun stuff.